Defending sleep training to mother-in-law

lexluthor7777

Hey there fellow moms/dads/parents,

So our baby is wonderful, EXCEPT for her sleeping habits. I tried being a gentle parent for the first 7 months and letting her run her own schedule. She slept when she was tired, we got her up when she cried, and I never knew what to tell anyone who watched her in terms of a routine/schedule. I assumed she'd fall into a routine and we could reinforce it. Well, that resulted in her only ever taking 20-40 minute naps and she'd still be waking up at least twice every night up until she was 7 months. My husband travels for work so this finally broke me (a full-time working remote mom) in addition to the holiday stress I was trying to manage with no nap breaks and still getting interrupted sleep at night.

My husband and I finally started sleep training (cry it out method) after the holidays when we were both home on a break. It went great and we finally started getting 1-2 hour naps in addition to mostly uninterrupted nights.

Well... Back to reality. My mother-in-law watches my baby two days a week. The first day back, I left a note with our new rules and routines. Not only did my MIL make fun of the fact that "I left INSTRUCTIONS for her grandchild", but I'm pretty sure she totally ignored all the rules the first day back. Since I had appointments, I wasn't there the first day back.

The second day, I worked from my MIL's house like I normally do. Sure enough, my daughter woke up from her nap at the 40-minute mark. My MIL was pacing around and groaning with every single cry. She tried to argue with me that it was an hour because she took the baby upstairs sooner than when I mentally started the clock on the nap. I said no and told her to let my daughter cry it out because she usually falls back asleep within 10-15 minutes. Parents... I kid you not, I was watching the clock. My MIL groaned for 7 minutes, than got dramatic and said "I can't stay here and listen to this! I have to take a walk!" She slams the door and leaves me there with my baby. I timed my daughter and sure enough, she was back asleep after crying for less than 15 minutes. My MIL was gone for like 30 minutes and then tried to come back like "oh, I had such a headache! I feel better now!"

I had no idea what to do with that, so I kind of just ignored her the rest of the day and then decided to take my baby home early when she showed signs of being tired for her second nap.

On our way out the door, my MIL made a comment about, "I hope she sleeps well for you! I know you won't kill her, but I just don't like that."

I know I'm the mom. I know I'm in charge. My husband is on the same page as I am that we are the parents and his mom is wrong to have done that. So there's no worry about my husband defending his mom's actions. He knows she's wrong in this situation.

My question for you is: how have you defended the cry it out method, especially to in-laws? I feel like my MIL was on the verge of accusing me of child abuse. I'm happy my daughter didn't fight the nap harder that day - there's been days when she's cried closer to 45 minutes before falling back asleep. I told my husband that I'm not trying to take the baby away from his mom, but I'm having a harder and harder time justifying her as a caregiver for two days a week. Especially if she's tapping out after 7 minutes of the baby crying. Have any of you navigated a similar situation? What would you recommend/not recommend?

Thank you.

knottie_knottie1

My MIL is naturally a very anxious person and acts in a similar manner. I've learned to try to write off her remarks because  I know they're more about her own anxiety rather than my husband's and my parenting

turtletaylor0522

My mom got three pages of notes the first time she kept my kid. And I always write the schedule out for her before she picks him up for weekends. We started sleep training early so he’s pretty solid on it now, but when he went over for a weekend at five months old I knew they’d lapsed on the schedule. We sat down and talked about it the next time they kept him because it threw him off for a few days. They kept him four days when he was seven months old and I think the length of time showed them how important the schedule is for him. 

As the post above said, too, it’s probably a lot about your MIL’s anxiety and not as much about “child abuse.” 

I would bring up what she said if it actually hurt you. Just address it like “when you said ___, I felt ___.” and see if she will apologize. If it’s something you weren’t hurt by just let it go. 

You could get her a book on sleep training and ask her to read it so she feels more involved in the process. You could also just set a boundary “this is how we are doing this right now, if you can’t let her cry, we will have to arrange other childcare until she is older.”

Good luck! I promise it’ll be so much better when your baby is sleep trained. 

knottie3feaf233e285c687

So I’m going to be honest. The absolutely cannot tolerate CIO- that said, hearing a baby hysterically cry can absolutely trigger others anxiety. It does mine and I have to leave my house when my BIL and SIL visit because they will let their child cry for over an hour and my anxiety cannot take it.

I won’t watch my nephew for this reason. I understand that they are the parents and that I parent differently- but you can’t expect someone to put their own mental health to the side just so you can have free child care.

j-redd222

One of the things my husband found in a parenting book is that when a baby cries, it raises blood pressure and causes a biological reaction instinctively. This is why it can be anxiety inducing and its main purpose is so that the baby can receive help. It may be that the actual cry is what was overwhelming for your MIL because of this. That being said, I have needed to let my kids cry it out before (mainly at bed time rather than naps just because they were good nappers) and found that it worked really well for me. My girls are fantastic sleepers now. We limited the time frame that we would let them cry so it didn’t get to the point where they may need something. 15-20 minutes was our waiting window and we would always make sure they were fed, burped, changed, etc. so we were assured their needs were met and they simply wanted our presence as the reason for their cry. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the method you’re using and if your MIL is willing to follow your lead, that says she respects your parenting choices. Instead of insisting she must go and get your child, she left the house temporarily so she could destabilize herself mentally. She was doing the best that she could to be respectful to you and take care of her own mental needs, in my opinion. 

As a side note, you mentioned trying to gentle parent as allowing your child to choose their own schedule but that’s permissive parenting. Gentle parenting methods instill boundaries in a gentle manner. I try to practice gentle parenting as well and there are many times my kids don’t want to go to bed but they have a bedtime and nightly routine that we stick to. When my children try to fight this bedtime I tell them, I know you really want to stay up and I’m glad you had a great day that you don’t want to end. We need to go to sleep now so you can be rested and have another great day tomorrow. I stand firm on this bedtime because it is what’s best for my kids and they do not get to disrespect the boundaries I set. I think the big difference in gentle parenting is taking the time to address and validate your child’s emotions and teach them why the rules are in place while explaining consequences for if they choose to do otherwise. I don’t want to discourage you at all by pointing this out but I thought this might help you in applying gentle parenting practices if that’s something you’re interested in. 

knottie7fd012b6c8abfc45

It can be tough when family members don't align with your parenting choices. When I faced a similar situation, I found that calmly explaining our approach and its benefits helped. I also shared some reading material on sleep training to involve my mother-in-law in the process.

It might help to gently explain that your method works for your family and that consistency is key. Maybe suggest a trial period where she follows your routine to see the positive changes. Communication and patience are vital here. Good luck!