FFFC

hitcj4687

How about a good old fashioned, flame free Friday confession? We are going to a water park this weekend for my son's jiu jitsu competition and we always book a weekend at a resort when we go. I'm looking forward to it, though I'm sad I can't do water slides or enjoy the hot tub. However I so do not want to even get into a swimsuit! I feel so self conscious right now in this awkward middle stage of a bump but not noticeably "definitely pregnant". And we will be going with my cousin and her family and she has this beautiful toned body (she works her ass off for it) and I hate comparing myself, but I totally do! Looking forward to watching my son compete though!!

thescarletmom

@hitcj4687 ugh I hate the stage of "I know I'm pregnant, but does random stranger no. 7 know I'm pregnant or do they just think I'm fat?" I hope you have a great weekend at the resort and have a relaxing time, even without the hot tub!

My FFFC is that I gave my husband a specific list of things I wanted him to choose from to get me for Christmas and he told me yesterday he picked out some things (that weren't from my list) and I'm kind of irrationally upset. He's truthfully not a very good gift giver and I always end up disappointed on Christmas after pouring my blood, sweat, and tears into picking out thoughtful, useful, and well loved gifts for our family when mine kind of suck. I know I'm a bit of a control freak, and he is coming from a good place and means well, and just wants to be able to "surprise" me with something. I would never tell him it upsets me. But ugh. It makes me feel ungrateful but at the same time it almost hurts my feelings that someone who loves me and should know me best of all can't buy me a single gift I've enjoyed. 

hitcj4687

@thescarletmom I could have written that post myself!!! I've gotten to the point where I'm done exchanging gifts with him for Christmas. We stuff each other's stocking every year for the sake of Santa Claus but it's things like toothpaste and Deodorant... every year for my birthday he never plans ahead and orders something random on Amazon at the last minute. This last year it was a knife sharpener... for him to use.. to keep my knives sharp for the dinners I cook. What kind of a gift is that!?! I've never used it! He uses it. And I put soooo much effort into gifts! Or planning nice dinners etc. 

thescarletmom

@hitcj4687 ugh! Ugh!! My husband thankfully doesn't buy things for me that are like, secretly a gift for him haha. But he has bought me things where I'm like?? Why is this a gift for me when this is basically just a household item?? I can't think of the exact thing off the top of my head, but something to the effect of like a bread baking pan. I never bake bread...? Or he'll get me some little tacky trinket or decor item that is exactly his style and not at all mine. I also really don't eat candy pretty much ever outside of the occasional reeses, and he'll buy me a ton of candy for my stocking that I eat 0 of and either he eats it instead or it sits in a basket on top of our fridge until next Christmas when I throw it away. It just bums me out because I feel like the holidays are magical for everybody but me

annemarie96

Aww! My husband does a pretty good job of sticking to the lists I give him. We don’t have extra money for anything unnecessary so we kind of save up those extra things for birthdays. He knows it’s important to me and I’ve probably been making that list since like a month after my last birthday. 🤣 
But my MIL?? Love her to pieces but she always wants to buy me clothes and I have hated almost every piece she’s gotten me. I hate wasting money or anything so it really upsets me but I don’t know how to address it honestly.  Slowly over time I’ve hinted that I really like to try out clothing first to make sure I like it in person, so maybe that’ll help. 😅 
Lists are where it’s AT. I always want to pick the absolute perfect gift for people and stress about it so I’m always thankful when they have a list! I know they’ll enjoy those items! 🙌🏻

thescarletmom

@annemarie96 the money part is a huge reason why it bothers me, I always feel like it's a waste of money to receive gifts I don't want and can't return, especially when the whole situation could have been avoided.

My mother loves to buy me and my kids the ugliest, gaudiest clothes and jewelry on planet earth. Half the time the thing isn't even the right size! She'll buy my VERY petite 6yr stuff in size 7-8, claiming he'll be able to wear it longer, but he genuinely will not fit in to for at least like 2-3 years. I'm not going to make him wear baggy, poor fitting clothes for the extra economy of it and I don't want to store this random (ugly) shirt for 2-3 years. Or for instance, I'm also very petite! I'm 5'2, small/xs in everything, size 26 pants. She will buy me things in any size EXCEPT those. Am I supposed to grow into these too, mom?? There is also the time she sewed an outfit for my kids out of fabric I know she bought in 1996 😂 not the cute kind of vintage. 

hitcj4687

This thread is making me laugh out loud 😂 "I dont even make bread" lmao yet he buys you a bread pan for goodness sake!! What is with that!? And whyyyy the gaudy clothing gifts!? We did a gift exchange thing a few years ago and I totally roasted the gift I got to my cousin only to find out it was her that purchased it 😅 I'll never ever not feel complete embarrassment over that! 

thescarletmom

@hitcj4687 genuinely 😂 Last year I definitely said something a little ruder than I meant to about how people kept getting DS2 gifts that weren't very good because he was way developmentally past them. The gift I specifically called out was something DHs grandma got him, and we were talking to her 💀

Speaking of gift exchanges, my aunt texted the other day asking if DH and I were okay with just the kids getting gifts at family Christmas and all the adults just bring something for a Dirty Santa exchange. The way my husband stopped dead in his tracks in the kitchen when I said "dirty Santa" was so funny, he was like "...how dirty?" 

francesgs

One year my husband bought me a memory foam pillow. It was hard as a rock and I never used it😑 Since that day he actually asks me what I want… 😂 I felt bad cause I know my face was like wtf.. but like I couldn’t help it. 😬

kalesix3

Oh wow I'm sorry to everyone here who gets money spent on them for totally awful or useless things. I've never made my partner a list but now I wonder if he would follow one of I did 👀 
He genuinely knows what I like though and a lot of times he just gives me gifts like $700 to buy clothes I love or something similar but I'm not into gifts so I usually protest lol.
My MIL though, I've hated every single thing she's ever got for me. She asks me for a list and then gets me nothing on it and it makes me so mad. I didn't want a gift but she went out of her way to get me something terrible and it's like why fucking bother lady. 
My partner did get me dice for Christmas that I've already opened lmao. I'll never use them because I don't play dice RPGs like him but they're mystical moons dice and they look like gemstones and he knew I had fallen in love with them, so it's completely useless and awful to waste money on but at least I loved them. 

My actual FFFC is that it's the time of year where my whole Facebook feed is full of Santa pictures of sobbing kids and the white knuckle grip a total stranger has on your children while you stand there laughing and taking a picture. 
I don't like judging other people's parenting but man I hate Santa pictures and some of them just make me cry. Who came up with a tradition of traumatizing kids for funny pictures? They should be fired lol 

thescarletmom

@kalesix3 I have many many dice from our board game/magic days that I never use anymore, but they're so pretty and you bet your sweet ass I would buy more in a heartbeat. I bet they're gorgeous!! 

I also don't love Santa photos 😬 or generally people posting photos of their kids crying, I think if it weren't for that aspect I wouldn't care. But I've also heard so many stories about how hard and awful it is to be a mall santa, *TW* when a child just asks if they can have more food for Christmas or for their relative to stop molesting them. I'd rather die, because I'd leave work everyday either having spent more than I earned on groceries for families or on my way to jail for assaulting someone.

kalesix3

@thescarletmom a sad lol about buying groceries or assaulting someone, because same. I couldn't do it. But how many Santa's are actually pedophiles anyways, that's what I always think, not to mention the whole idea of Santa just being so classist because those kids probably never get more food or think Santa cares and yeah they'll grow up and realize it was all a joke but the hurt that peppers their childhood isn't worth it. Idk my mega unpopular opinions dump there. 
To cheer the mood here are my beautiful dice! Sharp edge handmade resin and extra as heck lol 

potato3000

@kalesix3 @annemarie96 I have the same issue with my MIL! I'm positive her love language is giving gifts because she's always finding free stuff from the hall all year round to give us (usually clothes that are very much her style and not mine at all but don't fit her) and insists on giving every single person she knows a(n unnecessary and usually unwanted) gift on their birthday, gifts for the kids for every single holiday and gifts for every person at Christmas even though nobody else ever exchanges gifts (we just buy for the kids and there's been a couple years where we've just done a cheap little white elephant type gift exchange for the adults). It's such a massive waste of time and money IMO and she's really not good at choosing gifts 🥴 She always asks what the kids and I want for birthdays and Christmas and I used to give her ideas for the kids and tell her I really don't want or need anything but she never listens so now I just ignore those texts.

DH and I haven't exchanged gifts in forever and I definitely prefer it that way -- although he did give me some really great gifts at the start of our relationship when we were still exchanging gifts!

hitcj4687

We are almost to the resort and I just realized I forgot to pack myself socks 😂😂😂😂 I'm the worst. 

thescarletmom

@kalesix3 your dice are absolutely gorgeous 😍 

@hitcj4687 im a barefoot kinda gal and would rather never wear shoes or socks, so I wasn't thinking about it and forgot to pack socks for DH on a trip and he was so irritated lol. It was June so I was going to be wearing sandals, but we had to stop at a target to buy him socks.

kalesix3

@potato3000 the worst thing about mine is she's perfectly capable of buying her husband and son and her other relatives amazing thoughtful presents. I've gone Christmas shopping with her before and I know she knows how to, but when it comes to me and my son she doesn't give a crap and gets us the stupidest things. 
This year she's got her heart set on a KitchenAid for me, only because my partner put her onto the idea and I've told both of them I do not want one, I have no kitchen counter space left, we're in a 600 sqf home, I don't want it lol but I guarantee that's what she's going to get and ignore everything else I said I wanted like every year. At least it's not clothes that she tells me I'm too fat to wear like one year. I just wish she'd get nothing than make a big show of giving me something I hate lol. I don't need anything from her but some respect for boundaries lol 

annemarie96

@thescarletmom ooookay you just reminded me of the birthday when my husband bought me a pot. It was also like, the “big” gift. I mean, I know we were broke and yeah we needed a pot, but we weren’t so broke it had to be my birthday present! 

Also we were in China right then without family nearby so that was the main gift I received. 🤣 It was fiiiiine. Looking back I’m more annoyed than I was then. I did use the pot. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@kalesix3 I think the same thing about Santa possibly being pedos. 🤢🤢 No thank you. 

I love how all our MILs give clothing they’d like. That’s hilarious. I have to admit I have the most amazing MIL ever but she still manages to annoy the heck out of me sometimes. 😂 Like right now she decided to throw my husband a surprise birthday party 3 days in advance, invited like 60 people (only half of them were free though thankfully) and she’s serving only cake and icecream. Is it just me or do you always eat at a birthday party? I feel so awkward. 

It’s going to be amazing cake and icecream, I’ll give her that. I just feel so stressed that everyone will show up hungry! 

I know for a fact half of the guest list my husband will be excited to see, and the other half (her friends) could have been left off. Then we could have afforded to feed them! 

Anyhoo. She’s so excited it’s hard to be too annoyed. She’s sweet, just...hard to understand sometimes. 

annemarie96

@kalesix3 and dang! 600 sq ft? You can barely have dishes in your kitchen, she’s crazy! That is so stupid. 😅

bridgettetheboxer

@kalesix3 Omggg the dice😍

my sweet husband once bought me a bed frame for Christmas.. but not like a cute one with a head board. Just a base. Lol. I was like uhh thank you? Haha. He usually does pretty good with quite a bit of reminding lol. He actually surprised me with a super amazing trip and good and shopping (which is soooo my thing) for our latest anniversary and I loved it so much.

my fffc is about this tik tok I saw… a mom saying she was a low maintenance friend and then said that meant she basically never texts first, won’t follow up or check in and doesn’t expect people to do so either. She’s just too busy to keep up on it. And it made me so sad and mad. If women were ACTUALLY given support and a “village” were a real thing, we would have time and energy for real, fulfilling friendships and community. Ugh. I was so sad for that mom and all parents who don’t get community and all their support comes from paid childcare and services.

annemarie96

@bridgettetheboxer woah, that is so sad. I don’t know what people without a friend group and support system at a church do. I’m very close with my friends there and it gives us a built in part of our weekly routine where we see each other. Even if life is insane I know I’ll at least see their faces and have a chat with someone every Sunday. It really gives me a foundation. 

I’m curious, for any of you who don’t attend a church each week, what kinds of social routines are built into your weeks? 

One of the best things about it for me is that there’s also childcare. 

monkey_mcfee

@annemarie96, I grew up Catholic so I see what you're saying. As I've gotten away from religion, I've had to work to find groups, but there are plenty of community orgs that sustain me, as well as the community at the boarding school where I work, so I see people there. For folks like my wife who have never been religious, again there are plenty of community orgs, plus friends made in various times in life. It's not like I used to think, that all church-less people are friendless heathens haha.

peyts228

@annemarie I think most folks find community, just in different ways. My husband plays basketball with a group of friends every Saturday while I take my son to toddler gym class with a great group of parents. The rest of our weekend is spent with family and friends, plus my working mama community during the week.

I think it's wonderful that you have a supportive community at your church. For some families, like mine, church isn't a safe or comfortable space. Just a different perspective!

kalesix3

@peyts228 same, I'll never be comfortable taking myself or my kids to a place that's been nothing but traumatic for me my whole life, I fought so hard to get out and deconstruct, I could never force it on my children. 
@annemarie96
I do have quite a few really close internet communities I love and I have a few really good long distance mom friends that I used to live by but they or I moved away over the years. 
I don't have a community around me in person but I don't need one and I don't miss something I never had. I'm sure as my toddler grows we'll strike up more family friendships to have friends for him too though. 

@bridgettetheboxer in some ways I can be a friend like that too, but it's not that I'm low effort as much as I just have social anxiety so it can be hard for me to text first because I'm anxious the vibe is off and everyone is mad at me lol. I agree with you it's not a very fair take. It's hard to prioritize adult friendships when you already are overwhelmed and feel like a failure. 

annemarie96

@monkey_mcfee Aww, “friendless heathens” 🤣🤣 I hope I didn’t sound that way!! Not what I meant. 

That makes sense, my coworkers at one job I had I LOVED. They were amazing friends for me. My other jobs have all been nannying and cleaning so I haven’t had coworkers most of my adult life. I also grew up homeschooled and only left my house to go to church (do not recommend 🥴) so I have ALWAYS relayed most heavily on my church community for my close friends. 

I do really enjoy hearing a lot of different worldviews on the internet constantly, because otherwise I’m in a bubble. Never want that!
So my question was totally just genuine curiosity. 

I have a good friend who grew up in church with me who as an adult has just never learned how to find adult friendships. She doesn’t attend a church, which is obviously fine, but I’m concerned because it’s like she has no clue where else you can find friends. She’s so alone. 

annemarie96

@peyts228 Understandable! The church I grew up in was not safe or comfortable. It can sometimes be a really harmful experience. ❤️❤️❤️

monkey_mcfee

@annemarie96 you’re fine! I remember when I finally got sober that I would never had friends again! I didn’t attend church and now I didn’t have my bar “friends” anymore, so what was I to do?!? It was harder than I like to admit to make friends in my 30s, especially because I was/am living away from home and childhood friends. But I got their eventually. 

bridgettetheboxer

Yes to all of this. This year was a huge year of deconstruction and leaving a fairly high-demand religion and finding community has been challenging. It makes groups like this feel like such a huge gift to me!!❤️

hitcj4687

My main sense of community is my women's jiu jitsu group! it's been a real life changing experience to meet the people at the gym my son and I go to. Everyone is from a different walk of life yet so caring, considerate, kind, etc. It's been a really amazing experience for us! I also have the same friends I've had most of my life. I am close with specific relatives and especially my mom. I work with my mom and we also talk all the time. I see my siblings regularly, my husband's family, etc. Typically we are so burnt out on social activities that we need a break from socializing! 

annemarie96

@hitcj4687 ooo I didn’t even think of gym friends or friends you met in classes like that. That’s really fun! I can see how that really works because you see those people repeatedly each week. 

I love hearing all of you say that you have found the community you needed! Maybe my friend is in the minority. 

It’s crazy how our minds crave connection with people. It’s such a powerful instinct to NEED friendship. Really cool to me.