PGAL (pregnant after a loss) check in 10/27

ReadyForaB

This thread is for those who are pregnant after a previous loss(es). TW for entire thread due to discussion of MC, TFMR, CP, etc. 

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Weeks/EDD?

Previous loss(es) (share as much or as little as you like)?

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically?

Any appointment updates?

Any big milestones?

Rants/Raves/Questions?

ReadyForaB

Weeks/EDD? going by LMP, 7 weeks 5 days / June 10TH

Previous loss(es) (share as much or as little as you like)? 2 MMC occurring at 6w1d and 6w3d.

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically?  Emotionally, very relieved... for now.  I had a good scan on Monday showing baby measuring ahead three days at 7w5d and a strong HR.  The scan STILL hasn't been read by the radiologist but the tech told me that much. 

Any appointment updates?  Nope. waiting for my doctor to get my scan results and then I guess we will go from there 

Any big milestones?  Just happy baby is still growing and has a heartbeat. 

Rants/Raves/Questions?  Threw up my lunch at work today.  So that was cool. 

thescarletmom

Weeks/EDD? 7w1 / June 14

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically? I've shared my HG woes over on the symptoms thread, but I've had some cramping start up this week that makes me feel really nervous. I know it's so normal, and there's no spotting whatsoever either. So I'm just living in PGALland where everything is a reason to worry haha. Plus I've had a super irrational fear of a molar pregnancy this time? 

Any appointment updates? Literally cannot wait for my first appointment in a week and to finally get an ultrasound. Just want to see ONE, healthy, wiggling baby in there 😂

Rants/Raves/Questions? Anybody else have any gut feelings on baby's sex yet? With DS1 and 2, I had a dream that they were boys sometime in my first trimester and that was always an indicator to me of my mother's intuition on it, but I haven't dreamed about this baby at all yet!

ReadyForaB

@thescarletmom PGAL land is real.  I had some back paid yesterday (after sitting on a hard floor for 2 hours waiting for DS to finish wrestling practice) and I was freaking out.  It's gone now.  Ugh. 

As far as gut feeling, I just feel girl this time around.  Especially since I sent in my scan to the "Gender Experts" and they predicted girl base don the ramzi theory.  I did it with my son and they were right.  I know it's not 100% but my gut is definitely leaning toward girl. We shall see....

thescarletmom

@ReadyForaB so real. I'm glad your back pain went away! I get low back pain basically between my hips allll the time and I had some last week and was definitely on edge about it. 

Nothing but having your baby come out and show their genitals is 100%! I'm so jaded because my 16 and 20 week ultrasounds with DS1 both said girl lol. My sneak peek and u/s were both (accurately) boy for DS2, but I definitely find myself worrying that whatever we find out will be wrong. My husband feels girl (he did with DS2 as well) but I'm still not sure. His family is super weird about girls and his grandma especially wants us to have a girl and was actively disappointed when DS2 was a boy. So I feel nervous that if I were to say I lean boy that it would just be out of spite haha. I honestly don't think I have any inkling at all yet! Still waiting for my tried and true first dream haha.

kalesix3

@thescarletmom dreams are always %100 for me but the only ones I've gotten so far this time are of a baby who has no apparent gender which of course my pgal brain is struggling not to see a terrible sign in. I hope we both get an illuminating dream soon to put some stock in! 
I don't have any other intuition yet, I can't wait for it to show up, it's so exciting getting lost in wondering and daydreams. 

Weeks/EDD? 8w4d

Previous loss(es) (share as much or as little as you like)? Two early miscarriages, and one full term stillbirth. 

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically?

I thought my 8 week scan would help my anxiety more than it did, no shocker there. Physically I feel fine, I have a healthy amount of all day sickness to be relieved about. 

Any appointment updates? I have my first appointment with the new practice I'm transferring to after graduating from the RE on the 31st.

Any big milestones? No just anxious to have a living child in 7 months. 

Rants/Raves/Questions? 
I'm already dreading going to the new practice next week, if it weren't for my thyroid giving me so much anxiety I'd honestly never try this practice at all. I'm trying to remember that a terrible experience with the front desk doesn't mean the actual midwives will suck but I'm still dreading it. 
I'm just anxious to figure out where I'll be living at the end of this pregnancy so I can try to prepare and plan for the birth if I even get that far. 

isittwins-orbloat

Weeks/EDD? 6w4days 

Previous loss(es) one miscarriage in August.

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically? Emotionally, deff extra anxious. Physically literally fine

Any appointment updates? I had bloodwork on Wednesday and yesterday my doctor called because something came up with it. I'm super anxious about this aspect where my last pregnancy was a loss.. can't see the doctor until next Thursday. They only tested for RH, antibodies, RH, CBC, RUB, and HepB so not sure what could be up..

thescarletmom

@kalesix3 okay yes me too! I actually had a dream about genderless twins (💀) the other night, but it was just one aspect of an otherwise insane dream anyways haha. Still waiting for a sign! And I also have the constant "once x happens I'll feel better/calmer" then 10 minutes after x happens, I'm right back where I was lol.

kalesix3

@thescarletmom yess you get it! I hate that I'm like that, I can't be reassured in anything because it's right back to square 1 lol. Man what is up with genderless baby dreams?!? It's so strange! Well if it makes you feel any better I've had a few dreams about twins in the past and it's literally never been twins so hopefully it means nothing for you! 🤞🏻

annemarie96

  Weeks/EDD? 6 weeks and 5 days 

Previous loss(es) (share as much or as little as you like)? At least four early miscarriages-the latest one was at 9 weeks. And then DS2 was born at 27 weeks. So for me I don’t think I’ll relax until I’m 36-37 weeks. At the same time I feel like I’m celebrating every single week that I get to, and that’ll be true as long as this pregnancy lasts!

How are you feeling? Emotionally & physically? Feeling some solid symptoms, which is great. My losses at 7 and 9 weeks I didn’t really feel many symptoms at all, so I’m taking this as a really good sign. 

Any appointment updates? Had a consult with a midwife, no actual appt yet. Really looking forward to it!!

Any big milestones? Every single week is a milestone!! 

Rants/Raves/Questions? Idk if I have them you’ll hear them, haha. 

annemarie96

@thescarletmom @kalesix3 you guys are killing me with your dreams! 😂 
I had a pretty clear dream with DS1 of holding my baby and a strong feeling it was a boy, and he had TONS of dark hair just like my family always did. 

Then I had another dream of it being a girl way later, and I also had a “feeling” most of the pregnancy that it was a girl and we even started calling him Caroline. 

He was a bald little boy baby, and now has red hair. 😂

So now I put zero confidence in my dreams! I think it’s amazing other people are accurate! I’m so jealous. 

thescarletmom

@annemarie96 lol my dreams vague me hard. I have never once seen my children's face or features like hair color in my dreams (before they're born). I don't remember what my dream was exactly with DS2, but I know it was similar to DS1. My first dream with him involved me being outside of my mom's house, looking up and seeing her through the window holding my baby, who was wearing blue pants. The pants were 90% of what i could see of th3 baby's body, but got the inexplicable feeling that it was a boy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ because my ultrasounds said girl, I thought nothing of the dream. Until I had another dream 2 weeks to the day before he was born and I woke up and said to his dad, what if the baby is a boy? He goes "I just had the same dream. Crazy right?" And we both brushed it off until he came out with a penis 🤣 my very first dream *with the gender included* is like a religious event for me now, I trust it whole heartedly.

kalesix3

@annemarie96 I'm convinced my dreams are just my trauma brain. I've always vividly dreamed about all kinds of realistic things and situations so the baby dreams make sense but it's kind of a curse sometimes because the unfun part of it is that I have nightmares about my babies dying too, I wish it was only sweet baby things. The hair dreams and labor dreams ended up being true but I had a dream before my son was born that when he was born he was the size of a five year old and I started crying in dreamland and woke myself up lol. Glad that one wasn't realistic at all 🤣 

thescarletmom

Having some intense anxiety about my appointment tomorrow. Usually I can't wait to go and see the baby and have confirmation everything is okay. But now I'm terrified of going. Like if I don't go, I can't find out bad news? I still haven't really fully wrapped my mind around this pregnancy and it doesn't feel real. All these what ifs in my head... I can't help but feel like the rug will be pulled out from under me in some way. I have complete trust in my midwife and I adore her, I'm excited to see her again. If I didn't have such a great relationship with her I don't know if I'd be able to convince myself to go.

ReadyForaB

@thescarletmom I can so relate to this.  While I was being scanned last week the tech was so quiet I braced myself during the silent 10 minutes for the news.  She then turned the screen toward me and I started to cry because no one has done that in so long. I get teary just thinking about it.  But now it's 9 days later and I can't help but have these terrible intrusive thoughts. I have a doppler and have been searching every couple of days but no luck yet (I know, its early and totally normal to not find anything yet).  I almost wish I waited even later for my first scan. I don't know when I will have another one so I booked a private one for the Tuesday before Thanksgiving because we are thinking of sharing the news with our family then.  But same, I will be fearful going into it, not excited.  Especially since both of my miscarriages were missed miscarriages.  That is what PGAL does to you. 

thescarletmom

@ReadyForaB I hate it all so much. It's one big mind game in which I always lose. Either my baby dies or I spend my whole pregnancy terrified they will. Nothing can ever just be going well, there's never a moment of peace. I was so looking forward to this appointment to just be able to see baby, and ever since I woke up today I've been dreading walking in to her office tomorrow. I'm insanely grateful my DH will be with me.

sunny_native14

@ReadyForaB @thescarletmom I can so relate to this. With each pregnancy I'm always excited about appointments leading up to them, but then actually going in it's like extreme anxiety. I remember crying after one of my ultrasounds with my first pregnancy, not like tears of joy, but just like completely overwhelmed. I often reflect on how I'm constantly in a state of anxiety while pregnant, it just feels too vulnerable to be completely hopeful and carefree 

thescarletmom

@sunny_native14 ugh overwhelmed. That's exactly it. The constant onslaught of fear and feeling vulnerable completely overwhelms you. It's so draining and I would do anything to not experience it

thescarletmom

Through tears, I can tell you that baby is okay ❤️ had an ultrasound at my appointment today and for what felt like eternity, my midwife couldn't find the baby. I felt like I could see the spot where baby should be, but there was nothing there. Instantly I felt my body go cold. She moved the wand around for a while, probably 2-3 minutes total but felt like a lifetime. Then she asked me if I was still feeling sick. I said yes, but my panic had my mind racing. Finally, she said she saw the baby, but she was having trouble finding the heart neat. She asked how far along I was, 8w1. She said baby looked the right size, and that the heartbeat can still be tricky this early, but that she would look for it for me. I held my breath, certain that I would be leaving this appointment and waiting to miscarry. I think she could tell I was having a hard time, and turned the screen towards me. A minute later she said "there it is!" and I just burst into tears at seeing the little flickering heartbeat. I really thought all my worst fears were coming true, but baby is doing what they need to in there ❤️ I'm so exhausted after the emotional rollercoaster of it all.

sunny_native14

@thescarletmom I'm so happy you had a good appointment! That seriously sounds like an emotional rollercoaster!

kalesix3

@thescarletmom oh my goodness that is so heartbreaking and I got anxiety for you reading that, I'm so glad at last she found the heartbeat. Wow that's a lot to have to go through, I hope it's all downhill after this! I would definitely need a nap purely from the emotional exhaustion of it all, I hope you can get some rest today! 

thescarletmom

@sunny_native14 @kalesix3 thank you ❤️ It was one of the worst 10 minutes of my life, but it turned out okay. When I close my eyes I still see their little heartbeat flickering. I definitely took a nap earlier and am trying to bask in my gratefulness for now before anxiety sets back in.

ReadyForaB

@thescarletmom Great news.  But also "am trying to bask in my gratefulness for now before anxiety sets back in" sums it up perfectly.  I was on cloud nine the first few days after my scan and now I am back into being terrified. 

My symptoms have eased up significantly the past few days and it is taking everything in me not to freak out about it.  Ugh!

thescarletmom

@ReadyForaB it's not fair that it happens that way! My brain needs constant reassurance which just isn't possible. I'm sorry(?) your symptoms are easing up. Fingers crossed its just that 9 weeks is when your first trip symptoms are dying down! Ive had lots of friends who turned the corner on their symptoms at 9-10 weeks. I had two days in a row last week where I felt decently good, and for like 20 minutes I was like sweet I feel like a human being again! Then it dawned on me that maybe it was a bad thing and I definitely freaked out about it until I started throwing up again. I wish feeling better didn't feel like a bad omen!

annemarie96

@thescarletmom oh man, I could feel the tension as I read that. I felt it with you a bit! 

As sick as I’ve been, I’ve been so thankful for the misery. I think it’s really helping me mentally. 😅