Mental Health Check-In August 2022

hestia-is-wearie

This is a safe place for more detailed support in mental health, struggles, and successes.

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This is a safe space for discussing your mental health. Whereas general stress and issues are often discussed in Rants/Raves of the Dailies, this place is for a more focused discussion of the impact of mental health.  Members are encouraged to use thoughtfulness and depth to examine feelings, barriers, and useful supports. 

This post can be replied to at any time during the month. Not limited to those with a mental health diagnosis, but please be sensitive to others. We will attempt to be as flame-free as possible!

Feel free to share, vent, or support other members on this thread. Share a picture/gif that expresses how you feel or provides some comfort. 

If you need help getting started, consider filling out the form below:

Mental Health Diagnosis (if you have been) or What brings you to this thread today?:

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA):

Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)

How are you feeling?

hestia-is-wearie

Overall I'm a little discombobulated. General TW that the rest of my post is all about a (possible) chemical pregnancy. The spoiler contains a reference to my 2019 pregnancy.

Some of you know already that last cycle, I had some very strong implantation symptoms that faded over the course of a week, ending with a stronger period than usual at 3W5D (which is still happening now). I never got a BFP, but I was certain I was pregnant because...

Some of those symptoms I've only ever experienced during my 2019 pregnancy. My nipples even started to change color, but quickly went back to normal.

Even though I have no way to prove it, my gut tells me that this was a very brief CP where there was implantation, then no growth or very little growth--which is why I never got a BFP. I feel awkward calling this a loss and labeling my dailies as "3/1AL." Especially when there are so many other women out there that have proven losses, many of which happened later than mine--like my mom, who has had two losses herself. Of all people, she doesn't fully believe me and thinks that my cycle might have abruptly changed. Which is entirely a possibility, since I never got a BFP.

I know I'm entitled to feel whatever I want to feel and that only I know my body best, but I just don't want to be wrong. I'd hate to have a cycle just like this one next month, then come to the realization that I truly did not have a loss and that I acted that way for nothing. I don't want to let myself or anyone in this community down.

wunderkai

@hestia-is-wearie you know your body best.  If you have an inclination you were probably right.  I'm so sorry Regardless, it's ok and very healthy to acknowledge those feelings.  I don't think anyone would judge you for it what so ever...if they did then that's their own problem.  We are here to support each other regardless of where our journeys take us.  

I'm posting to this thread even though I don't formally have a diagnosis, but it's something my H deals with and we've been working through things together.  
*TW*
Status: WTO after a CP last week at 5W
Where are you in your mental health journey? 
 Not necessarily for me, but more my S/O.  My H was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 2 years ago and we've been working through it with medication and therapy.  I'm learning how to be a supportive wife and how to navigate his feelings while also taking care of myself and my own emotions towards it.  We go to couples therapy and it has really really helped. If there is anyone else with a S/O who has mental health issues and you ever need to talk please feel free to reach out.   Or just anyone else at all! I'm here to listen.  
How are you feeling? I'm feeling better about the loss this week.  My anxiety has lessened and I'm ready just to push forward.  

krb99

@hestia-is-wearie I have a few thoughts! 

There are different levels of loss, and for pregnancy loss losing a pregnancy later is in general more devastating than earlier. However that doesn’t mean a “smaller” loss is insignificant. Early pregnancy losses can be very emotionally painful! Just because it’s “less bad” doesn’t mean it’s not “still pretty bad.”
There’s something called the “ring theory” where at the center is a person in crisis, and in subsequent rings are people as they relate to how close they are to the crisis person. People can complain to people in outer rings and request support, but they need to provide comfort to inner rings and not require support from those who are in a more vulnerable place. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in

Pregnancy loss is kind of like this I think, with different levels of loss and vulnerability. You can’t look inward from a place of lesser loss and request support, because those with later losses, longer infertility, or more pain need support from you not to give to you. But you’re also still in the rings of loss, still with the need to look outward and request support. It’s ok to work through feelings of loss even without a BFP, you’re not negating the loss of those in inner rings by doing so. Those in the inner rings may not be able to provide you support (maybe why your mom doesn’t want to “count” what you went through as a pregnancy instead of a cycle change), but that doesn’t make it wrong to look outward in the rings for that support. You’re not letting anyone down by being in your own ring and struggling through it.

I recently had two chemicals with very low betas and it’s weird! There was probably no embryo! Nothing to see on ultrasound! Period basically just a bit late! I also feel a bit like maybe I am sad “for nothing” because if I simply waited longer to take a pregnancy test it would be as if it hadn’t happened at all! It’s definitely ok if you are sad about not having a continuing pregnancy without ever really knowing what part of the process things didn’t work out. Having symptoms come and go like that really stinks.

nicmkw

@hestia-is-wearie - I am right there with you on feeling awkward about an earlier loss. However, I know my body  very well and I know what happened, and I know I am the only one who needs to validate that feeling. I agree with @krb99 , too, but if you need someone to stand beside you in that early loss feelings, know I'm here with you. 

On my end - the fact that I specifically asked my PCP to run blood work for my new OBGYN and she said she would and then just didn't was beyond devastating. (She only re-ran the panel for my heat issue.) With my heat injuries, I am over-hydrated all the time. I will be astounded if I manage to set off a BFP on a home test ever. I needed that bloodwork to confirm it and told her that specifically. The fact that she didn't do it meant that I absolutely needed a new PCP. She wasn't listening to me, her patient, when I was in crisis abotu my health. I will be better cared for in the future, at least, and that I can control.

Mental Health Diagnosis / What brings you to this thread today?: Bit of an intro, as mental health is important to me and if I'm going to comment here, I also want to share where I'm coming from.  

I have Dissociative Amnesia as a result of 16 surgeries in the first 18 years of my life, as well as medical/doctor related C-PTSD. Basically, I was born with a cleft lip/condensed pallet and my brain decided I didn't need to remember any of the surgeries or related trauma I had as a result, thank you very much. Now I struggle to remember things when my personal life gets very intense, but I'm fine in the moment. The Complex PTSD hits when I deal with chronic, overwhelming stress (like the heat issue), but in general, I adapt and overcome. (I became a lawyer to advocate for other people so they don't have to be hurt by whatever it is affecting them, etc. I also usually get on well with other neuodivergents who have ADHD, since executive dysfunction is similar.)

Status (WTO/TWW/Benched/TTA): TWW

Where are you in your mental health journey?  I have treated with in-office EMDR therapy before with amazing success. It is incredible, but also very intense and I haven't been able to bring myself to go back to help with some of my other known triggers. If I do manage to get pregnant, I may have to just so I can deliver in a hospital without putting myself at risk for complications. Not looking forward to that, but I'll do it if I need to. My best friend's mother is a retiring OBGYN, so I have some great support getting to that point, fortunately. 

How are you feeling?  I am doing all right at the moment, though the low grade stress of the TWW is wearing on me. I'm also supporting my best friend coming out of a DA situation that we (friends and family) rescued her from almost a year ago now. Being able to put all of these feelings somewhere outside of my head by writing on this board has been immensely helpful.

hestia-is-wearie

@krb99 I really appreciate your insight. I'd never heard of the ring theory before and that article makes a lot of good points. My mom is very pragmatic to the point where she can be cold and detached, so although I wasn't surprised at her reaction, it was still disappointing because, well, she's my mom. She was the second-closest ring outside of DH, who has been very supportive through this.
That mantra of "just because it's 'less bad' doesn't mean it's not 'still pretty bad'" is something I strive to keep in mind, especially when working through my own personal traumas (and something DH is coming to grips with for himself). It's a mantra worth keeping in mind for an early loss like mine, too. 

nicmkw

Just going to put this here so it can get out my head since I can feel myself spinning up.

I just realized that my C-PTSD is triggering right now through this TWW because of the 'Not Knowing When It Will End' stress is incredible. Hopefully the midwife I talk to on Monday will have some resources for me because the Zen I usually use to get out from under feeling so triggered is just a fancy word for dissociative amnesia. The idea of being so stressed that I won't be able to remember deatils of my life as I TTC and having that snowball into a fear (and very real possibility) that I am likely to have post-partum depression as a result is terrifying. (The second I get any kind of BFP I'm going to have to start journaling, I guess?)

I'm sure I'll feel better overall once I have time to sit with the fact that this is just going to be a part of my experience, but holy crap does it hit hard right now. It's going to be a long few days of trying not to google anything more about this and make my headspace worse. There is literally nothing I can do to stop it and I can only do what I can to write down the good so I can remember it.

My DH and bestie are amazing and I have a strong network of friends and family who can support me, but the fact that my own mother isn't here to be able to reach out to is rough. (She passed about 5 years ago.) My DH's mother is amazing and I see her and my niece on Saturday for a family party, and I know that will help, but still. My self-care is going to have to ramp WAY up while TTC, apparently.

::deepbreath::

Thanks for listening.