I am about six weeks and six days. The day I found out I was pregnant, I was so happy. My husband and I have been trying and so this is planned. The next day, I felt like a car hit me and I felt this wave of anxiety starting to crush me. Now I feel so crushed and paralyzed by fear and anxiety.
Ironically, I am a labour and delivery nurse and so, I am not foreign to anything. But I feel so disconnected. I had some bleeding and because I was at work, I was able to get the doctor to perform an ultrasound and blood work. Everything on the ultrasound and blood work looked good. Not only was I able to see the babys heart beating but I also had an opportunity to hear the heartbeat. I FaceTime my husband who started crying after hearing the heartbeat. I on the other hand, felt fear and anxiety crushing me to the point that I just felt nauseous. I did not cry, I didn’t feel emotional, I just felt fear and nausea.
I feel guilty admitting that my first thought when I saw the bleeding was maybe I miscarried and a part of me felt relieved but then I feel guilty thinking that because, this baby is all I wanted.
I feel like now that it’s happening I can’t shake this feeling anxiety out of me. I feel anger and I hate talking to people about my pregnancy. They all are so excited and happy but I don’t feel the same.