3yo challenging, attention seeking behavior

axescot

I have a 3 and half year-old boy who has been attending preschool for about 1 year. We figured this would be good for him to socialize, learn, and get stimulation in a class environment. Over the past 2 months, the teachers have expressed concern about his behavior. It started off as being disruptive, unable to sit in circle time, and a tendency to yell. Then, they said he is hitting other kids, until this week the teacher said he tackled someone and although it didn't, there was concern it could have hurt the child. The teachers talk to him but wonder if he is understanding them. He does have a speech delay because we are bilingual at home, however both my wife and I have noticed that he understands almost everything, if not everything. The other day, I gave him a 2-3 sentence instruction/description and he got up and did it. He surprised me that he understood, and this isn't the first time. Also, his speech is progressing just at a different rate than others, and so I am not concerned about it. However, he can be very strong-willed and defiant.

We have tried many things with him, spending time with him, setting boundaries, being flexible with what he wants, taking him out to the park and other places, and discipline when necessary. My feeling is that he is doing this mainly for attention. No matter how much attention we give him, it never seems to be enough. In one instance, I was playing with him and started a conversation with my wife. The conversation did not affect how I was playing with him, still he started getting loud and wanted all of the attention on him. I wonder if when he goes to school, he sees other children as competition for attention.

Something that has changed since April is that his younger sister (1 year old) started walking. The teachers at school mentioned this behavior change can have an effect. There are times when it is obvious, he gets jealous but not every time. We encourage him to play with her, be her big brother, and at times he shares and expresses love to her.

We are not sure what else we can do. Of course, we do not want him hurting other children. On the day of that incident, he melted and started crying when he saw me coming to pick him up. Obviously, he is stressed by the whole thing and doesn't know how to express himself. At the same time, I have spent a lot of time with him over the past two days to the detriment of my work (I work from home), so this can't last forever.

Any parents or experts who have experience with this type of behavior? How would you satiate his hunger for attention even after you’ve spent time with him? I feel like there is something off or bothering him but we are not getting to the root cause of it.

turtletaylor0522

Hi! I’m an RBT who does ABA therapy with children who have autism. Your son is going through a completely normal stage. Here are some ways to encourage more desirable reactions to feeling the need for attention. 

If he starts displaying attention seeking behavior at home, direct him calmly to display the desired behavior, I usually use sitting with hands palms together in front of them (like praying). 

Next try showing him acceptable ways to get attention. Start with possibly raising his hand and saying “excuse me!” when he feels he needs attention. When he gets loud or starts getting fidgety, tell him clearly to raise his hand and model it for him with your own hand. When he does that, ask very cheerfully, “good! What would you like from me?” At first, he may not be able to respond clearly because he may not know how to verbalize his desires. You can prompt some feelings too. Say things like, “do you need my help with something?” “Are you frustrated that I was ____?” “Are you wanting my attention?” This exercise will also promote identification of feelings in other situations. Note that if he is very stressed he will probably have a much more difficult time verbalizing his frustrations and may need more prompting. 

If he starts repeating “excuse me” to the point of being disruptive, just ask him to say it one time. Use a placeholder, such as you giving him a thumbs up, to let him know you heard him and will address him soon. Basically “I see you, hear you, and will listen to you very soon.” Start extending time between his hand raise and your attention, but put your hand up immediately upon his hand raise each time. 

When hand raising with “excuse me!” in appropriate situations has become pretty consistent, you can ask for him to raise his hand quietly. This will help for him in school. You can also phase out your thumbs up response, since his teacher won’t do that. 

This of course can be MUCH less structured with a child who does not have autism. Having structure in every situation and for every instance of attention seeking is important for neurodivergent kids, but a normally developing three year old should understand the differences in context (home free play, home structured play, and school/daycare).

I hope this helps!