On Giving Up

fastenercats

I'm not sure if this is the right place, so if it's not or there's a better (active) forum somewhere, please let me know.

I'm FastenerCats - 29, asexual, archivist, and unfortunately, probably childless not by choice. My story...

I've always known I wanted to be a mom. I would mother my older sister incessantly growing up. It wasn't a question - FastenerCats would be a mom and her sister would be the doting Auntie M. Fast forward about 20 years and I came out as asexual. Dating hadn't really happened for me before that (other than an emotionally abusive relationship we will not talk about) and part of coming to terms with my sexuality meant I probably wasn't going to find a partner. That's okay, I said. I'll become a Choice Mom (also called a Single Mom by Choice). I looked into everything - did the fertility testing, read the "It Starts with the Egg," researched what it was like to raise a child as a Choice Mom. Everything. And then I found out how much daycare costs.

I'm in a profession that is majority female and vastly underpaid. I looked at daycare and said if this was going to happen, I was going to need to get a raise. A massive one. That hasn't happened and it's unlikely it will. While the door is not completely shut since I still have "time," I am starting to acknowledge that it might not and probably won't happen. And it SUCKS. Massively. I went to a wedding this past weekend where the service mentioned "and may God bless you with future children" THREE times. Like who goes to a wedding thinking they're going to be triggered about their inability to have a child?

So for those of you who are close to ending your infertility journey without that baby in your arms, or those of you who have, what did you do? How did you manage? (Besides lots of therapy and chocolate, naturally.)

00kim00

Well, first, weddings are absolutely triggering! You are not alone in that. Second, if your only barrier is daycare costs, it doesn't have to be a barrier. First, if your salary is that low, you may qualify for a child care subsidy or a Head Start/Early Head Start program. Also, you're only 29 so you have time, and it's possible there may be more government assistance in the future, or a grandparent or other relative (if you live close) may be able to help, or you may find a life partner or co-parent (doesn't have to be sexual, can be a friend!) that can do this with you. Finally, there are options other than being a biological parent; I'm a foster parent, and DHS pays for childcare for foster kids (100%, plus the child qualifies for WIC/free school lunch, free healthcare, and you get a stipend to cover room, board, clothing, diapers, etc.). If you adopt from foster care, those same benefits continue! And there's always the option of changing careers- if being a mom is your priority, you may one day choose that over your current field. So your journey absolutely doesn't have to be over due to finances!

That said, not everyone's journey ends with a child. That really really sucks for those of us whose life dream has always been to be a mom. For me, it's been leaning a lot on God, what He wants from my life, and why He gave me such skill with and desire to have a baby if I can't have my own. It's been a really deep time of faith for me (which also is what led me to fostering). Also, chocolate. So much chocolate my clothes don't fit. But that's not the healthy way to go about it!