Pregnant After a Loss (PGAL) June Check-In

EmilyE13

**Note: TW for entire thread due to discussion of MC and loss.**

Hi PGAL moms. Here’s the new June thread for our monthly check-in. 

Feel free to put milestones, big appointments, questions, worries, loss anniversaries, or anything else on your mind here.

jilliboo

Had previous miscarriage with no symptoms except brown spotting. Having brown spotting now in current pregnancy. It’s is throwing my anxiety into over drive. Getting seen soon for ultrasound, and I know my dr is gonna be annoyed. But I don’t care at this point. I’m 20/5. 

relizabethp

About to go to mu 20 week and my anxiety is spiked- terrified something will be found that will make this journey end 

krysnicole1022

@relizabethp I went through that yesterday at my twenty weeks. I was on edge during the whole ultrasound until the doctor came in and told me the baby looked great. But then she went on to say all the risks of pregnancy at my age.

sandy5693

I was a mess at my 20w ultrasound + fetal echo.  Felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
I received good results which was very reassuring.

But now my mom & MIL are planning the baby shower (I'm so grateful and thankful) and I still have that feeling like even planning that event will jinx the whole pregnancy.  I was hoping I was done with those thoughts, but here we are...

jilliboo

@sandy5693 I feel this!!! I was anxious at my 20 and every time we start planning the baby shower (my mil is useless) I break down in an anxiety attack. 

krysnicole1022

I struggle actually doing all the things we HAVE to do before he's born. I keep thinking everything I do will jinx it. I bought some clothes yesterday and was nervous for the rest of the day.

relizabethp

@krysnicole1022 i have been trying to push through the “jinx” feelings and trying to just do things like buy clothes that will make me happy 

krysnicole1022

I'm looking at stuff for his bedroom. My son wants his brother to have a green dinosaur room which combines two of his favorite things so I'm looking at that. 

mackenziep98

We are coming up on the anniversary of our first loss last year 6/21/21. I’m sad and grateful all at the same time. It just makes me wonder what that little one would’ve been like. But I’m very grateful that this pregnancy has been pretty perfect. I still have so much anxiety before every appointment even though I feel her all the time. We had another loss in September last year as well. 

kat_vegan87

DS brought COVID home from school and I caught it before he was even showing symptoms since we sleep in the same bed. I of course went down the google rabbit hole and found all the worst case scenarios for having COVID while pregnant. We are all doing fine, I’m just down to a dry cough so we thankfully got a mild strain. I just keep thinking about how the placenta can be ruined because of COVID. Im trying to stay calm, doing kick counts and eating healthy. The anniversary of my loss is coming up next week so that baby has been on my mind. 

krysnicole1022

I've been dealing with BV since week five of this pregnancy. I think the progesterone suppositories did it but I don't know. Now at 22 weeks it's still not gone and it is very uncomfortable. I've done antibiotics a couple of times and it made no difference in the BV just caused a YI. They put me on metrgo-gel and they want me to take antibiotics three times a day. They said that maybe twice a day antibiotics wasn't enough to get rid of it so maybe three times a day will work plus the metro-gel. The gel is supposed to be safe but it's possible that it could cause a miscarriage or other problems...not treating the BV could cause all the same problems so now I had nightmares all night about having to deliver my 22 week son after the worst happened. It doesn't help that his movements are basically non existent. I'm going to call tomorrow to try and get an ultrasound done.

relizabethp

Is anyone else freaking out about fetal movement? I feel like I can’t feel him enough and spiral . Like for example he was moving this morning before i got up and now I can’t so I’m freaking out. Also how often do you feel your baby?

krysnicole1022

@relizabethp yep. Every single day. Every movement is a brief relief but then I'm paranoid again. Level of movement depends on activity. If I'm on my feet a lot then he's not moving much but once I lay down he usually starts moving more but sometimes he doesn't and I freak out. I was not like this with my other three. 

relizabethp

@krysnicole22 i agree it was not like this with my daughter! I miss the ignorance i had before 

EmilyE13

@kat_vegan87 and @mackenziep98 thinking of you this week for your loss anniversaries. 

katiekins029

Hi everyone. I’m 21+1 today, and my anxiety is still in overdrive. I thought I’d “feel better” after starting to feel her move, but now I’m hyper-fixated on *not* feeling her move. Some days I can feel definite kicks, and other days not so much. The worry is debilitating some days. I already deal with anxiety, and then factoring in my three losses in nine months before this pregnancy (no living children), it’s hard NOT to worry. This pregnancy is so much different and everything looks good so far, but I’m just feeling at a loss today. 😞

EmilyE13

@katiekins029 ugh, know that feeling. Remember and reassure yourself that it’s still considered somewhat sporadic to feel the kiddo at 21 weeks. PGAL brain can be impossible to turn off but focus on the positives: especially how much different this pregnancy feels and has progressed. If you don’t mind my asking, how far along were your previous losses?

krysnicole1022

@katiekins029 I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I'm 23 weeks and he didn't move for a large portion of the day and I was about to go to the ER. He has a pattern of movement and he wasn't following it and I was flipping out. It's really hard to just enjoy the little victories when you've got PGAL brain. 

relizabethp

I have the exact same anxiety over movement- it is debilitating. I am currently trying to “sit” with the anxiety because it trips my OCD if i give into the anxiety but it’s really hard to do. I went to the dr today and they said general guidelines up until 30-32 weeks is any movement in a day is considered good and normal-even if it is only once. 

katiekins029

Thanks ladies. ❤️

@emilye13, my first was a blighted ovum that ended in a D&C at about 11 weeks, but my last two were considered chemical pregnancies. So definitely different. I’ve noticed that when we start planning things like our shower and registry, it feels like a jinx,
even though we’re more than half way through. We got to see our lil babe yesterday and she was wiggling all around and measuring well, so that helped. I appreciate you all, it’s hard to explain how difficult this worry is to someone who hasn’t lived it.

katiekins029

Ugh, I’m currently in L&D after experiencing what I can only assume was a strong contraction. They’re not seeing any on the monitor now, but my cervix is 30% thinned. I am absolutely freaking out, I came in here bawling. I’m only 21+3 today. 

krysnicole1022

@katiekins029 please keep us updated. I hope everything is okay.

sandy5693

@katiekins029 thinking of you - please keep us updated 💜

krthouse

@katiekins029 Hopefully they are able to do some interventions to help keep things safe for you and baby. Keep us updated and I'll be thinking of you 

katiekins029

Thanks everyone. Thankfully I was able to come home last night. They checked me again and nothing had changed, and even though my cervix is thinned it was still closed. They said it could be a normal change from having a D&C and a couple surgeries. I had awful nightmares last night but am thankful we made it home ok. ❤️