Need Man/Dad Advice

kelsnvin

Hey Dads,

I'm expecting (due in September) and truth be told, (hot take) I never wanted a bio baby, I wanted to adopt a child because of my fertility situation. My husband was the one that absolutely needed to make a baby with his genes as like... a form of pride...? So, I did all of the fertility hoopla for him and it was difficult, but I am happy now. I love my baby and I'm excited to meet him. Where I'm struggling is, whenever I talk about baby care, my husband says things like, "Oh you'll do that, you're mommy." Yes, that's true... then I bring up anything recreational too like family dinners, family game time, family whatever. "You'll do that, you're mommy." Okay... "I work all day. The baby is your full time job."

He gets 3, fully paid months of paternity leave and told me that he will be taking a week because that's all HE needs. I'm starting to get really depressed wondering if he ever wanted a baby or just wanted to be able to tell people that he has a baby - like a little post card family for his work desk. A bunch of terrible Life Time movies are flashing before my eyes where the dad misses his kid's birthdays and baseball games and then learns that he's sad he missed all of his kid's shit.

Do you think that once he sees the baby things will change for him? Are there any other dads who were more work oriented that adjusted to spend time with their family? Anyone resent their wives for 'making' them have family time even though they're tired from working all day?

I've been too afraid to talk to my husband directly about this because he is a very sweet guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Example, my baby got me a mother's day gift from the womb which was so sweet. But like, that's why I want him to be an active part in the baby's life, you know? I know he would be a positive influence and love the birthdays and baseball games once he's there.

michaelrmullin

Hi. Good news: The short answer to "Do you think that once he sees the baby things will change for him?" is yes. Your thoughts and attitudes on the situation seem more than valid. You don't want to hurt his feelings but allow him to hurt yours (even though he's, of course, not doing it intentionally.) You need to have a real talk with a preset ground rule: No Dismissiveness Allowed, and the person who feels dismissed (i.e. you) gets to decide. Trust me, this talk will be good practice for the countless similar ones you'll need to have as your kid grows up. Best of luck and congrats!

knottie8ab5758de2078114

I agree that your husband will change especially because he wanted a bio baby. However a real honest talk will help greatly because once the baby is here it requires a village! That means you both have to work as a team around the clock. My wife and I are three weeks in with our new child and if we didn’t have communication or flexible hours it’d be incredibly hard on her because we have little support around us.