Telling friends experiencing infertility

r_kenn99

One of my best friends has been TTC for almost two years. She knows we started trying this year and has been so supportive. Fortunately, they haven’t identified anything being “wrong” and she’s told me she thinks the timing just hasn’t been right for her and her husband. 

I am excited but nervous to tell her we’re expecting because I’m sure it’ll bring up difficult emotions for her (she’s shared with me before that finding out others are pregnant is very hard). To make matters more complicated, we’re long distance and so I’ll have to tell her over the phone.   

I don’t know how much excitement to bring to my call with her. Part of me wants to say “I’m sorry” but that doesn’t feel right either because I’m so happy and relieved about my journey. 

Help! TIA

footdrbritt

I would just be as upfront as possible but give her space to grieve a bit after. There’s really no right way to do this that will leave zero hurt feelings 

 

It’s okay to feel this way!—I’ve been the Infertility friend in this situation tons in last 3 years. ❤️

00kim00

I've been the infertility friend in this situation for the last 7 years. Do NOT tell her in person OR on a phone call. Send her an email or text (preferably email). That will give her time to process privately, cry as much as she needs to, and not have to put on a happy face for you. Let her know the due date and acknowledge that it's hard for her and you support her. Let her know you're open to sharing as little or as much as she's comfortable with; she may be curious about the details, she may want zero baby/pregnancy talk, she may be okay with limited updates via email or text and/or meeting the baby after he/she is born. Ask her to let you know the level of talk (if any) she's comfortable with when she's ready, and unless you hear otherwise from her, keep your conversations to non-baby topics other than major events (let her know when the baby is born, but only send a picture if she asks for it) unless she initiates the conversation. If she doesn't reply to your announcement email, let it go. She might just reply with a "congratulations" and nothing else- that means drop the baby talk unless and until she initiates the topic.

It is so, so hard to desperately want a baby and not be able to have one. Seeing everyone around you get pregnant when you can't is painful. She can be happy for you and so very sad for herself at the same time, but the sad can be uncontrollable. I haven't been to a baby shower in years- I'm happy for my friends, may even get them gifts, but I knew I couldn't get through it without crying and that's not a great way to support the mother to be! 

Thank you for asking and for being a good enough friend to consider how this news might hit her.

r_kenn99

@footdrbritt @00kim00 Thank you both so much! I know you speak from experience so I’m grateful for your thoughtful responses. I feel more prepared to tell her. Sending love and blessings for strength and good health to you and your babies! 

missmuisq

I totally agree with 00kim00. I’ve been the infertile friend/sister this past year (until now, when I’m somehow magically pregnant, something I still don’t quite believe). My sister texted me to let me know she was pregnant with her third, and I was so touched by what she wrote, shared below. Sure, I still cried a bunch, but I felt really cared for and seen and loved. I’m already a bit fearful about how I’ll break my own news to infertile friends, but I trust that I’ll find a way to communicate my good news without being self-centered or insensitive to their heartache. 

I wanted to talk to you and tell you, and you get to be the first one in our family to know, that I’m pregnant. I haven’t told mom or [sister] on purpose for a few reasons, but mostly because I wanted to be sensitive to you and in the event they ask or think about how you may feel or respond - I want it to be like, she already knows, and for you to be able to process for a while before anyone is talking about it. I’m going to do my best to keep it under wraps. I love you and want you to know that I care about your heart. While I want you to get pregnant with me, and this is a hard thing to share and receive, I want you to feel honored, protected, and free to feel all of the feelings. I just don’t want you to feel caught off guard or anything but those things I listed. I’m sorry this is texted and not spoken, but let’s talk soon. Love you! 
And p.s, You are THE BEST when it comes to loving my kids and I’m so grateful for you ♥️♥️♥️

r_kenn99

@missmuisq thank you so much for sharing such a beautifully worded and personal message this is really helpful! Sending love to you and baby! 

ReadyForaB

@missmuisq that made me tear up.  What a wonderful relationship you have. 

leahandbabyr

I agree with all of these ladies. I had a terrible experience this year when a close friend of mine recorded my reaction when she told me she was pregnant. She knew about all of our IVF struggles, and I felt so violated. I think I should get an Oscar for my performance, because I was literally shutting down inside. It’s a very complicated thing to experience - it’s not that you’re not happy for your friend/relative, but psychologically you experience the news as a threat. I felt a fight/flight response and I cried for days. Her choice to share her news that way has put a temporary strain on our relationship. I’ve needed some distance, but I’m hoping that in a few weeks I will be able to share my good news with her and I will feel differently about her pregnancy. My recommendation would be to give her a heads up. An email, a text, something that she can read and digest before seeing/speaking to you. Put the ball in her court for how to manage the situation. There’s a great Instagram account called Infertility School that gives insight and ideas on how it feels and how to navigate infertility.

r_kenn99

Thank you for sharing you experience Cheers to a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby for you!

jesofthenorth

@missmuisq I have to admit, I took some inspiration from what you wrote and told my best friend (who experienced a miscarriage and scary diagnosis earlier this year) yesterday. I think texting vs. calling was the right move, it gave her space and she and I had a great talk afterward. 

Just saying, these conversations can be painful and awkward and all sorts of things, but they CAN go well. Even peacefully. Thank you everyone for sharing on this thread. The collective warmth is so helpful. ❤️

jennifer_louise

@jesele I completely agree. I experienced secondary infertility and I can definitely say that not everybody shows this level of thoughtfulness. Especially since everybody assumed that since I had one LC, it would be appropriate to ask about plans to have more.

@r_kenn99 just asking this question shows your awareness. Your friend is lucky to have you, and hopefully she'll get her THB soon.

@leahandbabyr To be honest, I am not surprised that your relationship suffered after that! It's hard to believe somebody would be so tone-deaf. Really sorry you had to deal with that!

missmuisq

@jesele Thank you for sharing that. I'm very touched and that was the idea all along - for people to be able to borrow as much or as little as they choose if they found it helpful. My sister gets all the credit, of course. 

So glad to hear that your words made your friend feel loved and supported!