AITA for not wanting my family to fly out 1 week after the birth?

lotrgrl1216

So my mom just recently told me she's thinking about flying my whole family (parents, brother & 3 MUCH younger sisters) out to visit the week after baby is born (aka Thanksgiving which is also my dad's and my birthday week) and then I can take the 5 hour flight back (with my 1 month old) at Christmas to the freezing cold northeast. Now I love my family BUT... I really want those first few weeks for baby, hubby & I to bond and also to set-up our schedule & work out the whole breastfeeding thing. I told my mom that I'd prefer if they waited and came to visit at Christmas (like usual) and she just said "There's plenty of time for you to change your mind and agree with me. I'll start looking at flights." This will be our first (living) child and my parents first grandbaby. So I get them wanting to visit ASAP. But whenever they come to visit they stay in our home and I'm the one doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry (theirs included), dealing with fights, being the family "psychologist" and their local travel guide. My mom likes to give lots of unsolicited advice, point out when things aren't exactly how she'd do it (how I should be more like her) and also point out every little speck of dust in my house. My younger sisters (high school & college age) basically just hole themselves up in a bedroom together, shut the door and get sucked into their phones every visit. My dad sleeps most of the time or wants to visit with his local family. And my brother (only 2 yrs younger than me) is the only one who actually hangs out with hubby and I. So AITA for not wanting to deal with all that during the first 2 weeks home with baby? *** TW: Miscarriage *** I should also note we had a stillborn son (24 weeks) barely over a week before Christmas last year, moved into our first home [which we had bought for baby] that Tuesday-Thursday, they flew in that Friday, fought with eachother the whole visit [over a week], complained about how dirty our house was (reminder - greiving & had barely just brought in all our boxes) and how we still hadn't finished unpacking. Yes, they knew about our son. No, it didn't change their normal attitudes. And yes, we were still grieving and making arrangements for our son during all this as well.***

autumn87654321

@lotrgrl1216

well that sounds miserable to me! 
All these people will be in from out of town? 

   I don’t want to make you feel worse about it but maybe you can just put your foot down and tell her no 

 I was happy to have my son during Covid and get to avoid visitors.  Also, he was 10 days late so if a whole gaggle of people came  7 days after his due date they would have been waiting around bugging me about when I was going to go into labor for three days then insist on visiting when everything is so sore!   Everything is still sore even after 1 week. 

  My mom didn’t weeks after my baby was born (I’d have taken her right away but it was just her and she’s super helpful and doesn’t even ask to hold the baby unless I want her to)  so I had 2 weeks  with just my husband and that was nice.  I really just wanted  someone there  to bring me glasses of water, cook for you, and hold the baby while I took a bath. But I felt like he was still basically inside me so I didn’t even really want/need anyone besides my husband to hold him. 

sejica

IMHO, NTA, and it sounds like "there's plenty of time to change the locks, if she doesn't choose to respect your boundaries." I'd warn your dad and siblings if you like them, or let them discover the consequences of enabling your mom if you don't like them.

ETA: I'm so sorry for your loss, and the trauma and grieving, and your family's unsupportive behavior.

mflowers929

Hrmm, definitely NTA. I'd probably be the one to try to come to a compromise and say that they can come if they stay in a hotel and have set visiting hours, but I know that sort of thing isn't for everyone. If that's not for you or you don't think they'd respect that then 100% just say you'll see them at Christmas

ashnicell

NTA. The last thing you'll need a week after giving birth is a gaggle of people to entertain and clean up after. Firmly tell her you will be taking a few weeks with your husband and baby to bond, adjust to feeding and sleeping schedules, and heal.

I'm also sorry for your loss and sorry to hear you didn't get the comfort and support you deserved from your family.

fantasyflyte

@lotrgrl1216 oh hell no, you're NTA in any way shape or form. I'd say tell them in no uncertain terms that you will not be entertaining them until Christmas, and ypu won't be answering the door if they come by. If you need to, tell them your doctor recommends no outside visitors for X amount of time because of covid and flu season.

ETA and if they pull the "but we're family not outside visitors" expand it to say no one but mom, dad, and doctors for X time.

sunshine2417

@lotrgrl1216 NTA at allllll! One of my friends was very concerned about a similar situation so, with her husband, they drafted an email to family explaining when they did and didn’t want visitors, where they could stay, etc. At first I thought it was a little harsh, and then when I had my first kid I was like “holy crap I GET IT!!” If you put it in plain writing and send it out, anything she does beyond that is not respecting you and your boundaries and can be addressed accordingly, rather than fighting her for 6 months. I would also explain it in kind and simple terms, not combative.

You could say something to the extent of: Given the current circumstances of this being our first baby after our stillborn last year, the time of year when sickness is abounding, and the uncertainty of COVID, what life will be like as new parents, and needing space to figure out these transitions on our own as a family unit, we would love to have the first few weeks of our newborns life for time to adjust to parenthood. We ask that just grandoarents come out within the first month if possible, and all other visitors are welcome after that first month. While people are here you are more than welcome to stay at XYZ hotels nearby, or welcome to stay with us, but please be aware we will be tired, likely crying every other hour from hormonal imbalances, and scrounging for whatever snacks and food we find in the pantry or from the nearest GrubHub delivery restaurant! It may not be a pretty sight—you’ve been warned! We know how much everyone wants to meet them and we are SO excited to share our little one with everyone—we couldn’t ask for a better family to welcome them into the world! We just also ask that you respect this big change for us as we enter parenthood and learn about our new little one too! 

I’ll see if I can find my friends email, too. 

sunshine2417

Hers was way better than mine! I should have copied this from the start! Lol also, Cally was their dog.

Hey fam!

So we are a short couple weeks out from our baby boys due date. Who knows if he will be early, on time or late! The consensus seems to be a little early… which… I wouldn’t mind! These next couple weeks are going to be a whirlwind as we finish up packing and get ready to close in the house, while making sure we have what we need for the very beginning of our little guys life. So I wanted to get this out so it doesn’t slip my mind, and it has time to circulate to any other family members that may make the trip up to say hello. 

Some important information:

GPS Address of the hospital : 1 Medical Center Drive, Lebanon, NH

Enter the Patient/Visitors North Entrance, the birthing pavilion is on Level 5 of the hospital. Take the elevators to Level 5, take a left off the elevator and look for signs for the Birthing Pavilion. Take your first left and proceed to the Birthing Pavilion main desk.

If you arrive between 5am and 11pm use the Patient/Visitors North Entrance 

If you arrive between 11pm and 5 amplease enter through the emergency entrance.. other entrances are not staffed. 

There are a few different places to grab some food without leaving the hospital if you start to get hungry!  As there are only vending machines in the waiting area.. and that only gets you so far… http://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/at-hospital/dining_room.html 

There are a few hotels just off the Dartmouth Hitchcock Campus if you choose to get a hotel room, at least one of which is pet friendly. Residence Inn Hanover Lebanon, Courtyard Hanover Lebanon, Element Hanover Lebanon. 

Our Doctor has asked us to ask anyone planning on visiting in the first few months to be up to date on their DTap (whooping cough) vaccination. Feel free to come say hello when you arrive at the hospital, but we hope you won’t be offended if we ask for no visitors in the room when you do arrive. I'm not sure on how I’ll be feeling, or really what to expect, so I may or may not be up for visitors before baby boy arrives. We are planning on just having Bobby and myself in the room during labor, with some time to spend together getting to know him after. We will have a nurse update you as things progress and when you can come meet the newest member of the family!

As for when we bring our little one home, please just text or call before coming over, that way we (I) can be prepared (presentable) and so we can have a hold on Cally as we are not sure how she will be reacting to all the changes... My thought is protective..and we'd like to make sure she can get into a routine (one bark, no barking, no jumping etc..) when we have guests.

We are excited for everyone to be there to meet him and we can’t thank you enough for all your love an support throughout this experience. 

All our love 

bkk2cville

Absolutely NTA! I had to draw a similar line with my parents. My therapist recommended making it more about wanting to spend time as the three of you and less about "we don't want you here" lol. My mother actually took it way better than I would have thought, though she did try to pull the "Oh, you may change your mind and then it'll be too late". I won't, and we have friends nearby that will actually be helpful, rather than stress-inducing and judgemental. Stand your ground! 

lilswed

NTA. Similar family situation. You only have so much energy to give - with your little one you will have less. It’s okay to set up boundaries and protect yourself and your family, the dynamics have changed.

beach2mtns2desert

I saw this on IG this morning and thought about your post. There is nothing wrong for advocating for yourself and baby. 💗

mflowers929

lotrgrl1216 said:

@mflowers929 I totally get where you're coming from. But I don't think they'd respect that (would probably be super offended actually) and also they typically don't have the $ lying around to pay for a hotel and the 5 plane tickets ($2,500-3,000). I don't mind them staying at our house in December but if they come in November they wouldn't be back in December (too expensive) and would be expecting/pressuring me to fly with a 1 month old on a +5hr flight at Christmas.

100% get that and in that situation, yes, I'd definitely just say that you need time to settle in and they can meet babe at Christmas. My parents didn't meet my son until he was almost a month old already either and it was NBD

clee5711

If your family is not going to be extremely helpful during that time frame than I would put my foot down and say no. The sleep deprivation  really starts to kick in after that first week and unhelpful people is not what you need. I would rather fly with a newborn during Christmas than be expected to entertain or help anyone during those first few weeks postpartum. Make it more about you wanting the time to bond as a new family and figure out breast feeding if you think that will help. Good luck and I am sorry your family isn’t more supportive. 

chuckle_sandwich

NTA at all! This is your first living baby and there’s nothing wrong with you putting your foot down and saying you need more time without visitors. Baby may come early, baby may come late. You won’t know until the time comes. 

Things to think about: You will be sore. You will be bleeding. If you choose to breastfeed but have trouble at first (I did with my first) you’ll want to be able to let those boobs hang free because they will be sore. You will be emotional. You will be tired.

Could you suggest they come mid December to celebrate a late Thanksgiving/early Christmas? You could have more time to settle in to a routine/recover and you wouldn’t have to fly with a 1 month old.

lotrgrl1216

@autumn87654321 Yes, brother and sisters still live at home. All would be flying in from the other side of the country (NorthEast and we live in the SouthWest).

lotrgrl1216

@sejica thanks so much. Yeah I'll just have to keep talking to her for the next 6 months to talk her out of it.
Unfortunately Dad wouldn't help (he avoids conflict like the plague especially with my mom), brother doesn't like to get involved in family disputes & sisters are really too young to REALLY  understand and be speaking to my parents about this. It'll just be up to me & hubby to get the point across.

lotrgrl1216

@mflowers929 I totally get where you're coming from. But I don't think they'd respect that (would probably be super offended actually) and also they typically don't have the $ lying around to pay for a hotel and the 5 plane tickets ($2,500-3,000). I don't mind them staying at our house in December but if they come in November they wouldn't be back in December (too expensive) and would be expecting/pressuring me to fly with a 1 month old on a +5hr flight at Christmas.