Pregnant After Loss (PGAL) Check-In - May

EmilyE13

**Note: TW for entire thread due to discussion of MC and loss.**

Hi PGAL moms. Now that it’s May, creating a new thread for our monthly check-in. 

Feel free to put milestones, big appointments, questions, worries, loss anniversaries, or anything else on your mind here. 

shortstack930

No appointment until 16 weeks and it’s hard not to be anxious. I’ve started feeling flutters which is a little more reassuring but I feel like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t wait until I get past the anatomy scan and the point where I’m feeling consistent movement. 

EmilyE13

@jennaverhaeghe I hope you have a great, reassuring appointment today! Please let us know how it goes!

EmilyE13

@jennaverhaeghe just checking in. Hope appointment went well. 

As for me, the scary failed doppler experience at my appointment Monday has really screwed me up. My nerves are frayed and I’ve been very weepy and having bad dreams. I actually had some reassuring movement I felt that evening, but that now has me anxiously awaiting more consistent baby flutters even though I know at 16 weeks I won’t be feeling it all the time. PGAL brain sucks. 

krysnicole1022

@EmilyE13 it really does. The nurse was looking for the heartbeat yesterday and she kept moving it around for a solid four minutes and I was starting to panic. She told me the heart beat sounded good but the baby kept moving so she couldn't get a consistent reading and I was like "well say that next time instead of sending me into a spiral!!" 
I don't think this fear is ever going to pass. I'm afraid it will carry over into postpartum. I had bad PPA with my second. 

krysnicole1022

I'm still struggling with a lot of anxiety over this pregnancy. I have one person left to tell and everyone else can find out after the baby is born. I'm not comfortable publicly celebrating this pregnancy because I'm constantly terrified. I'm currently struggling with how to tell my sister. She's 30 and had to have a hysterectomy and only has one ovary. This pretty standard for the females in my family. No woman in my family has had a successful pregnancy over the age of 30 and most had a hysterectomy by the age of 35. She had it late last year. I feel almost guilty and I'm not sure why. She was done having kids but the truth is when I found out she was having a hysterectomy it kind of spurred my desire for another baby.  I'm just really torn over how to tell her. I know she will be happy for me but I still just feel bad. 

moogieks

@krysnicole1022 it can be hard but please try not to assume or project your own feelings onto the people around you. I'm sure your sister will be THRILLED for you. Your joys shouldn't be and ARE NOT a burden on others, and if they are, that is their heart to sort out. You didn't have a baby to hurt her, and you having a baby it genuinely not about her feelings. ♡ please give yourself some grace and trust your loved ones enough to give them the opportunity to lift you up.

moogieks

The miscarriage nightmares are the worst, because it's not just a nightmare when you wake up..it's a memory. I literally have to run to the bathroom after and check that I'm not spotting or bleeding at all and repeat that it's not real when I wake up. Makes it a hard morning because it brings up the grief and the fear. But makes me oh so thankful for my growing baby boy now 💙. Helps to feel him do his happy dances when I eat "toddler" food like chicken nuggets. 

Got the anatomy scan coming up at the start of June and I'm a little nervous for it. But luckily my husband will be there. My last appointment was just a doppler check but it was my first one alone and my anxiety started to spike in the waiting rooms. Luckily I'm at a whole different office/OB than when I had my miscarriage which definitely helps, it's a totally much better experience. My OB now is actually my best friend's (who ive known since middle school) father in law. I've known his son since high-school too and even used to go to their hous then. So I feel much better and personally cared for.

krysnicole1022

@moogieks I ended up telling her and while she pretended to be happy for me she was most definitely upset. She apologized later and told me that at least one of us had a chance for another baby but has been uncharacteristically silent.  I now wish I had waited because she definitely got upset and she still is. She is most definitely not thrilled. Oh well. I've had enough friends deal with infertility and dealt with it myself enough to know how people will respond to this. It sucks and she will probably come around.  I ended up giving her the whole backstory to try and let her know this wasn't some good fortune. It was a rough and bloody road. Maybe that will matter in the end. 

krysnicole1022

I keep having dreams about them trying to take the baby out at 20 weeks. Recent news stories have lead to an increase in miscarriage nightmares and they are horrible. I won't go into the details because I don't want to put those thoughts into anyone's head. I had to abandon all social media and non fluff news sites. I couldn't find the heartbeat yesterday with my Doppler and almost melted down. The baby hates ultrasounds and the Doppler so I eventually had to try and corral it to its usual spot so I could get a good read. I finally found it and it was strong at 164 bpm. I'm incredibly anxious for my anatomy scan in three weeks. 

moogieks

@krysnicole1022 Wow. I'm really sorry she reacted that way. She obviously has some inner work to sort through herself which is understandable but I hope she gets some time to reflect and make peace with her situation. But I'M happy for you and your baby!!! Celebrate the wins and try not to dwell on things that you know make you spiral. All we can do is our best to provide a healthy and safe environment for baby to grow in, which I'm sure you are. The rest is worrying and that's not productive (easier said than done, I know ♡).

And yes. I gotta mute some words on social media bc it's definitely not good to have triggering language around babies being basically not considered human or grievable bc of how small they are. My miscarriage was pretty early but I could tell you the exact MOMENT I knew it implanted. And my experience of grief at the loss of my baby is valid even if early. 

krysnicole1022

@moogieks I'm the same way. I essentially bloat up 6-7 days post ovulation. All of mine were before 5 weeks except one but I knew every single time before I even took a test it would be positive. I had a doctor who shrugged it off and told me to go do IVF and that made everything worse. She was female I assumed she would have more compassion. I finally found a male doctor who actually heard me and I almost cried in the office when he told me that what I was going through was a tragedy. He is the reason I didn't miscarry a fifth time. I actually do need to contact him. I'm seeing a different doctor that has been so understanding and compassionate about my anxiety and the grief from everything.