Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Waiting is the Hardest Part

My husband and I were surprised to find out that I was pregnant. I have 2 children from IVF and FET. My FET was twins and we sadly lost one of our babies at 3 weeks old when I delivered at 26 weeks. I have had 2 miscarriages from pregnancies that we conceived without medical help. We knew this would have been such a long shot to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. At 4w5d my HCG was 2017. I was pretty excited since I have never seen HCG levels on my own this high.
Flash forward to 5w and it is 3511. My levels did not double, only at a doubling rate of 49.6% every 2 days with 66 hours between the two tests. My 1st pregnancy through IVF doubled perfectly. Not a good sign

Two days ago I started having a lot of gas and cramping. Not double over the pain but my period is coming pain. Not a good sign.

Today I woke up with vanishing symptoms, my nausea is gone and so is the cramping. I just feel nothing. I always have nausea during all my pregnancies. Not a good sign........again.

So now I have to wait...... wait and go to an ultrasound on Friday at 5w5d to get the bad news that I will miscarry if I don't start spotting and bleeding before then. Then I have to go through the process, pain, and anticipation of miscarry again.

I am trying to let myself feel and process what is happening. I don't want the sadness to come because then I know hope will be gone. But I know I will miscarry in my head. It is just letting my heart catch up to the process.

I write this not for sympathy. We are all suffering and scared and trying to cope as best we can.
I just write this to say what I don't want to say to others and to let anyone else who is going through this process know that you are not alone. 
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