An Infertile Mother's Day

thesilentstruggle

This is just how I felt this mothers day, and I have no one around me to tell. All my sister's and friends are pregnant and I need to share. It is not meant to upset anyone.


An Infertile Mother's Day.

Yesterday was hard.

I just feel I have nothing and nothing to offer you.

I'm tired of the guilt that comes with this. The overwhelming feeling of selfishness.
Feeling the black duck, the mood sucker the one that brings the drama.

Yet it's unrealistic to feel overwhelming happy for all, those beautiful mother's when you feel at complete loss and empty inside. You then feel bad for feeling fake.

Mother's day has NEVER been hard for me before. It's never been a day to dread. I love treating my mum, I love and appreciate her so much, it's a day for her!
But I dreaded it. The week leading up, was a consistent lump in my throat that I could not shift.

I vowed to not have my phone mother's Day.

Before I could hand it over I had seen baby scan, congratulations, mother's day posts everywhere. Some made me smile for a second then stung for a minute after. Some made me want to scream, 'why them not us?'

He locked my phone away. It was hard for him too.

I spent the day working from home craving any distraction from the emptiness that felt even more empty this mothers day?

I ate when I was not hungry. I laughed when it was not funny. I talked when I felt silent. I smiled when it wasn't natural. And eventually I slept.

The day was done. I prayed tomorrow would be easier. I find myself doing this often.

Happy mother's day everyone I am truly inspired by you all. I aspire to be you, I am inspired by the role of a mum, I feel like I'm here to be a mother. But I'm not a mummy. I have no purpose. I have not responsibility. I have nothing. I am nothing. I am sadness. I am empty. I am broken.

You all have you're own battles and I know this is mine.

Infertility at its best.

Happy Mother's Day

pissedatworld

I get you, seeing little toddles hugging their mothers, saying to them ''I love you'' and other thing kids do as appreciation of their female parent is very hard for me, as I have no child, I want to be happy for others but I feel so lonely in this specific day, especially when I think that despite I want one, at least one, sweet baby of mine to love really badly, I have nothing, and my one cousin have kids, not just one but two, the other have 2 as well, next have one, my friends have kids... they have someone to love and care for, and they are loved and cared for too by those little munchkins.. So depressing, ..I try to not think about it, to not get upset, but all the Facebook posts of happy parents, especially on mother's day.. it is just crushing to me, and even when I would be a mum, I wouldn't need to be treated special way just because of being a mother, but it certainly would be nice on such special day to have a baby to cuddle with and to do fun stuff with just because to show them the love, and of thought of a child drawing picture for mother's day just for me would make my day for sure, and knowing that for those pregnant women are man who for this special day giving flowers and cards ''to be'' and showing of the whole happiness and affection for that reason, makes me feel alone, broken, empty, faulty... I want to lay in bed, turn off tv, phone, and cry, eat chocolate and dwell on my existence... because of what woman am I, if I can't conceive.. and saddest part is that I'm so full of love to give, I'm a born mother, I'm an nanny, so I heard it before, I would be a perfect mum, a good one, and I always have to fight mentally to not cry when I hear it, it is so painful to know that and yet know I will never have it. fighting with this sad situation is unbearable at times, ..many times, I think the key is to keep fighting, keep on hoping, even when we feel like crap..

But why you speak of selfishness ? I do not understand, it is not selfish to want to be mother, to want to have one thing we are meant to do and be, to have the little one to love and be loved by, it is not selfish, it is just right.! ..and speaking of drama, be dramatic, show your feeling, get it out, this is part of what you feel, and you have right to be moody, upset, to feel like everything is not right and is not fair to you, this is about you, and it should be, so screaming at walls and refusing to go to parties and refusing to feel happy for others is absolutely allowable.! let yourself be you, feel you, get the pain out, never feel like you have to be ''fake'' to push yourself in between the ''swans'' , it is not healthy to get so deep in it to get depressed but faking happiness will get you depressed too, it is not helpful to pretend you are okay and enjoying life when in fact your world has crumbled and you do not know how to exist anymore.. remember one thing hun, no one can and none should push you to feel better to tell you how to feel or when to feel and when to stop and if you going overboard with your attitude, infertility is hard, and all you feel and all you act because of it is you damn right.!!! ..if you feel like bucket of ice-cream and falls of tears then do it, if you want to complain and scream and being rude and ghosting ppl, then Do! Expressing your feeling is the part of healing process and grieving process, so do what you will <hugs> <3

I do not eat when I'm feeling low from this, I tried laughing when felt sad but quickly decided to F** it
''if I feel not, then I will do not'' - my motto, I will not try to make ppl feel more on ease just because they feel weird around me when I'm in this stage, oh no, I feel what I feel, it doesn't mean I want everybody feeling miserable but I do not see sense of pretending, after all if someone feel awkward because I'm pissed or sad, they have problem not me, they do not have same struggle as I so they have no reason to correct me or advise me or making me feel any guilty for my pain, so I will take it to surface, and show it how it is, because if someone tells me I'm bringing them down, I will simply say.. ''I do bring YOU down?! ,B** I'm the one with horrific problem, not you..'' - So there, I'm generally very nice person but I hate to behave certain way just to please or not upset others, seriously, F everyone, who is to tell me, when to stop expressing myself for that exact reason,? ..Absolutely NO ONE.! ..Especially the ones with kids, if I comment sadly on stuff, why do they get upset about one little comment, or two, when they have all and I have none...? am I right or am I not ? and plus come on, me commenting is not hurting or stealing their baby, it is just a comment, which btw is relieving my internal pain so why do ppl behave like I'm the evil for sharing my feelings..??

You know what ? I feel your pain, I know it's hard, you will be a mother one day, I want to believe that, and can too, if not today then in a year, maybe two.. stay strong darlin, I believe in you.. I know you say you broken and empty, and I can't say anything to you that would make it go away, as I feet and describe myself often the same way, and you're sadness, and it's alright that you're, but you are not nothing, you're everything, and you do not have nothing, you do not have a child, but you have family, you have a husband, you have the house, the job, so you have something not nothing, and you also have purpose, to keep on going, keep believing, and keep on trying, and your responsibility is to your husband, to take care of him, it is not care of a child but it is care for someone that needs you too, and to love him none the less like you would love a child, I know it sound like big pile of bull crap, but in a way it's true, I do not want to sugar coat it for you but I know myself when I feel so devastated a nice ''blah blah'' help a bit and makes the struggle more barrable, I truly wish you luck, I wish for you to make it, to achieve a motherhood, my heart is with you! ..I fight for 8 years, so I know the struggle, my hope is getting thinner and sadness deepens within me, BUT I think to myself, if not this life, it must happen in the next one..