Unsupportive family

jessicamichaela77

Hi! I’m new here. I’m pregnant with my first baby and my boyfriend and I are so excited! I’ll be 12 weeks very soon. We announced my pregnancy to family and our closest friends first, and recently announced it on social media. It’s been nothing but positive responses up until just now. A small back story, I don’t have much family left in my life. I grew up an only child with just my mom and I. Her and mines relationship is very rocky to say the least. Fortunately I’m very close with my aunt and my cousin. In a way my aunt took the role of my mom and my cousin was like a sister I never had. My cousin has two girls of her own, 9 and 6. I love them as if their my own. When I told my aunt and my cousin I was pregnant they were of coursed shocked but still happy for me and excited. At least it seemed that way.
Earlier this evening I received a text from my aunt which in long story short she expressed that she was concerned about how my pregnancy would affect my cousins kids since they’re being raised to marry first and then have kids. In my opinion the text screams she’s not supportive of my pregnancy. I’ve been crying all night long since I received it. They were the last family I really had left. They’re the people I’m closest to and to get slapped in the face with that just really hurt. I haven’t responded to my aunts text because I just don’t really know what to say. I know this is a lot for you to read and if anyone did I appreciate you taking the time to read this. If anyone has any advice please share. This just sucks so much and I’m so sad. Thanks..

krthouse

@jessicamichaela77 Your cousin's children are going to grow up gradually knowing many children whose parents are not married, and in no way will you having your baby without being married mean that they're suddenly going to run around having tons of pre-wedlock babies. I'm really sorry that you've come up against that judgement about your very exciting news. You can start by giving yourself some space for a bit, and when you feel ready to address it I would clearly and calmly state some boundaries. If you have a therapist they can be very helpful with choosing your wording. If not, maybe we can brainstorm some things to say in here as a group?

relizabethp

Im sorry this happened to you. I am
shocked with your aunt’s behavior TBH , it seems very righteous and judgmental. I think that you can tell your aunt that you don’t see the difference between marriage and a commitment other than just a ceremony and what really matters is whether you have a partner who is loving and committed to you and your child, because MANY woman rush into a marriage with someone who is awful and then they have children and that child suffers from their terrible relationship. Her assumption that some how marriage makes a birth of a child some how more valid is backwards and stepped in, what i am assuming, religious judgement. I don’t think a 6 or 9 year old will have some type of epiphany that will forever alter their life choices due to your current situation. If i were you, I would either ask your aunt if the problem really has to do with those kids or if the problem is that she is uncomfortable and just isn’t adult enough to bring it up to you so that you can have a conversation to quell her “sex before marriage” sinful jitters or just blow past the whole comment and say something like “if they have questions im happy to answer them” and then don’t engage in any further conversation. Also you have every right to not respond or engage her at all- she doesn’t get say something awful and get the satisfaction of drawing you into a battle- she will lose more in the end then you will. 

krysnicole1022

Your cousin's kids are going to meet a lot of kids from non traditional "married mom and dad" families. Divorced, same sex, adopted, single parents, unmarried, etc. There is no need to shelter them from every other type of family. You do you and if she's causing stress then don't talk to her. 

reirei09

I’m so sorry you have to go through this! “Old school” judgement like that has no place in 2022. It’s such a shame because having married parents really has nothing to do if they’re going to be good parents. 

I would take your time in responding so you have time to think about how and what you want to say. Hopefully she can understand and apologize. 

merostomata

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this now. Pregnancy and parenthood is a time when you need lots of support, and there is no place for judgment. That kind of attitude is way too old fashioned and judgmental for what we know makes a family today. 

That said, I'm always a fan of just giving someone a call to clear the air and make sure they said what they meant to say. This is really giving her the benefit of the doubt, but maybe your aunt is very old-fashioned or religious and wasn't taking your feelings into account when she said that, but is still supportive of you, your baby and your partner. Some people do not communicate that well over text. I would just tell her what you are feeling-- that you feel hurt, are worried she doesn't support you and your family, and that you are worried this will damage your relationship with her and her kids. Hopefully she will apologize at that point.