March Mental Health Thread

tuxielove93

How is everyone feeling as we start spring? Anyone struggling? What are you doing to take care of yourself this week? 

inthewoods23

Over the weekend I had a huge meltdown, including hyperventilating, that snowballed into crying about my fears as a new mom. Am I going to struggle with depression? Anxiety? Am I going to be able to handle caring for my child when he's crying? I worry so much that I'm going to get "advise" left and right about what I should or shouldn't do and is that going to make me feel like a failure.

I think I'm also anxious about the boundaries I want to set with people in the first few days/weeks. My MIL seems a little miffed that I physically recoiled from her trying to touch my stomach a couple weeks ago. I feel as though family may not respect my choices.

I'm aware much of my issues stem from how I grew up. I was seeing a therapist but I'm wondering if I need to see a different type of therapist. Should I actually be seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist instead of a therapist/counselor? And with that, I'm worried how much each session is going to cost. Our insurance provider changed this year so I don't know if sessions would be covered. They were 100% with our last provider. Perhaps I should also re-evaluate my current medication. It helps keep the general day to day anxiety away, but is there something else I could be doing that helps with these periodic episodes of emotional meltdowns. Maybe I don't even need to though since once I get the whole meltdown to pass I'm back to being fine.

Winter is always really rough on me, especially February. 

twentythree19

@inthewoods23 Oooooh girl! I feel like you and I have the same mind! Everything you've listed is a valid concern and its stuff I struggle with too, but its all stuff you *can* address and get through. Remember, progress is made one step at a time. And it sounds like you're taking some steps and have the start of plans for more. You're already doing good work for yourself. 

If you want advice/feedback, keep reading. If you just needed a place to vent, skip the rest of my post.

Are you still seeing the therapist? And if so, have you shared all of the concerns listed above with them? A good therapist will not be unhappy if you ask about considering moving to a different form of help - in fact, they should be a great resource if its time to see a psychologist, psychiatrist or even a therapist that you "mesh with better." Mine was very upfront in the first few sessions of "I think this is going good, but if you feel like there's a better fit out there, let me know and we'll work to find you someone else."

Likewise, you could certainly have these conversations with your OB. My OB was actually my first step in getting help - both medicine and counseling wise. 

Its definitely worth talking to insurance too, in order to evaluate what treatment is covered so you can make a plan for your self care. Its a pain, but you are worth it!  

Another question to perhaps ask yourself: I know you said that once you get past the meltdown you're fine, but how heavy/tough is the build up to it for you and your loved ones? 

All of this to say - you are not alone and you have options to see if some changes can help. I'm serious - pretty much everything you posted is something I've been dealing with too. Take care of you! I'm cheering for you. 

twentythree19

Double dipping because I got long winded...

All in all, mental health is better, but I'm still in the beginning stages of work with a therapist. One thing she's mentioned each session is that DH and I may want to consider marriage counseling. She's right, but I only just got the nerve to suggest it to DH on Sunday night and I'm trying to give him at least a few days to get his mind wrapped around it before saying "Ok, who do you wanna see and when?" Therapist and I agree, DH & my marriage is not in peril, but we're about to add another whole person to our household and I'm already stressed about "smaller" issues that all feed into me not feeling like I'm getting the support I need from him. I think we could really stand to benefit from better communication. Fx we get that rolling pretty soon.

Tl;dr: Depression pretty much gone, anxiety beat back to simmering under the surface. Now focusing on actually tackling the "simmer" via therapy and marriage counseling. 

Also, I can *never* spell counseling correctly the first time. Its annoying. 

inthewoods23

@twentythree19 no, I stopped seeing the therapist. I think my last appointment with her was September of last year before becoming pregnant. The nurse at my OB's practice did say to reach out to them again since I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for some time. Part of why I stopped seeing her is that some of her advice seemed so wrong. Like when I talked about wanting to set boundaries with DH's family because my SIL is a very difficult person to be around at times - my therapist just said there are no boundaries to set since I married into the family. Something like that. It was just like... what? What's wrong with setting certain boundaries with family members??

Our insurance is through DH's work and I've asked him multiple times to help me find the EAP info. They used to have a nice website I had access to that held all the benefits info but they merged with a company last year so that's all gone. I used to have his open enrollment docs but I can't find them in my email ANYWHERE.

The build up.... idk. Often it's just a lot of little things over time and then one thing will set it off. I'm not sure if there's a particular pattern to recognize. I'm also normally a pretty emotional person so they can be amplified greatly. It's a lot. Lots of baggage. I try not to bother DH because I know he's stressed this time of year too. I at least now know what I need to get out of counseling. Before my therapist would start sessions with "what do you want to talk about today". There was no real agenda session after session. We never worked to tackle the root of my anxiety and insecurities.

runnergirl2018

@inthewoods23 psychologist here.  You can see a psychologist or therapist. the difference is a psychologist has a doctorate and a therapist has a master degree in most cases. a psychologist has more training but both can be just as good of (or bad of) providers depending on their own focus on continuing education and amount of experience. Look for someone who specializes in what you are struggling with.  I highly recommend getting a recommendation from a friend/family or especially medical provider you trust-possibly your OB.  a psychiatrist (in most cases) has no therapy training and is focused just on medication. if you are on meds or think they could be helpful it's usually best to be working with both a psychiatrist and therapist/psychologist
I hope you find someone good to work with and in general just feel more confident about your choices and boundaries.  it's so normal to be anxious - and to have big feelings with all the hormone changes going on.  I am definitely feeling way more emotional lately.  given what you said about your last therapist, i would not return to them. You're in the midwest right? if you remind me of general area i can let you know if i know anyone that might be good in that area.  

runnergirl2018

I'm doing okay.  more emotional for sure. I'm considering finding a therapist to help through this time and transition of adding another human. the first time was tough but it was even harder on my relationship and i feel like our relationship right now is not stellar.  also closely approaching the due date for our baby from our MMC in a couple weeks and processing having a marginal cord insertion, 
I'm working on getting outside more now that we are getting some more mild days and hoping the outdoors and added activity helps too

inthewoods23

@runnergirl2018 thanks so much for that break down on their expertise. Yes I'm in the midwest. WI specifically.

runnergirl2018

What are some towns around you in WI if you want to share? Or major metro area? @inthewoods23
you can also message me on here if you prefer to not post publicly

inthewoods23

@runnergirl2018 I'm in the Milwaukee metro area

zinnia19

@inthewoods23 I agree with @runnergirl2018, I wouldn’t return to that particular therapist. What she said about your in-laws is really not helpful. I personally have found that marrying into someone’s family is challenging because you DO need to stand up for yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. Otherwise it just causes frustration. I often do that with my mother in law because she makes a lot of assumptions about my husband and I that are pretty off base. She tends to assume we will do things a “traditional” way, so we often have to explain our values to her. We did that a lot with our wedding and I know that will happen a lot with this kiddo. Anyway, I know there are therapists out there that will support you better.

 I really valued seeing a therapist in the last year or so while we were trying to conceive. It was really emotionally hard for me and having someone to process it with besides my husband was so valuable. I’ve stopped seeing her while pregnant because I’ve felt better but I told her I’ll likely need to see her again in the postpartum period. I know that will be a huge transition and cause anxiety. 

twentythree19

@inthewoods23 just circling back to echo @runnergirl2018 and @zinnia19 - doesn’t sound like the past therapist was a good fit. I’m sorry that you had lack-luster support from them. Fx that you find someone and they’re right for you soon! 

tuxielove93

I am on a struggle bus. I was doing so good and feeling really good about it. But a lot of things happened all at once that set my anxiety off and now my emotions are all out of control. I’m horribly anxious every night, my medication is not doing enough to a tully get rid of it, and I’m flipping out on my husband and crying about everything. I feel very out of control with it and I’m really upset about it. My aunt said something that was supposed to be supportive and I took it wrong and I was crying for forty minutes about it until my husband finally convinced me she didn’t mean it that way. 

jellie603

@tuxielove93 I'm sorry you're struggling with your anxiety right now. I almost feel more out of control when I can identify I am being extra anxious and "unreasonable" because I feel like I should be able to do something about it. It sounds like YH is supportive through all of the ups and downs, which is so great to have. Pregnancy can do such weird things to your emotions and it isn't fair. It's not like we struggle with this crap on the regular anyway, sheesh! It reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel is really pregnant and Ross goes "did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today or what". So sometimes that is what I say to MH when I am feeling extra. 

zinnia19

@jellie603 That quote is great, I do feel like I got a “fresh batch of pregnancy hormones” this week. I keep getting emotional about everything happening in the news and find I can’t read a lot of it right now. Also my aunt sent me an article basically about how seatbelts are not very helpful for protecting pregnant women. The only solution they offered was just to wear your seatbelt properly and hope for the best. Reading it really upset me. I did not want to read horror stories about pregnant women getting in car accidents. I’m already nervous driving now as it is! But my husband did calm me down and told me I’m a safe driver so it’s ok. But yeah, the hormones are real. And the feeling of already being so protective of your baby. 

oli9

I most definitely got a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today and I also suffer from crippling anxiety, so I can relate. I don’t sleep well because I’m up using the restroom all night long (more than 10 times last night) and I woke up today in a horrible mood and completely took it out on everyone I encountered. Even my teenage son felt my wrath before he headed off to school and I felt really bad afterwards because it’s not anyones fault that I’ve got raging hormones and I’m sleep deprived and I shouldn’t start anyones day off like that. It does help to identify it out loud and validate the ridiculousness of those feelings and not meaning to act unstable to those around you. I don’t think there’s much we can do other than go with the motions and hope for an understanding support system. 

lilirunning34

TW: talks of MC

I think I'm still a little bit in denial that I'm pregnant. This is my loss' due date month and I"m definitely struggling a bit with it being a week away now. I keep just counting down the days til each appointment and I don't get out of bed now until I feel my babe move, which thankfully is a lot more often now that they are getting bigger. I'm trying to celebrate each day, but pregnancy after loss is definitely hard. It's also hard because feeling these feelings makes me feel guilty because I'm not your typical blissfully, happy pregnant person. I am happy, but I try not to acknowledge my pregnancy with others because although I am excited and happy to be pregnant I am also scared out of my mind. I both want to plan for the best and the worst and it's a struggle. I find myself hesitating to add stuff to registries or order stuff, but I know part of it is also knowing it's our 4th kid and we don't need much. Ugh. However, I did just order some nursing/maternity night gowns and camis from motherhood maternity because I think I got rid of my summer maternity sleep shorts and I want some comfy clothes to sleep in right now. I am hoping that as we get closer to viability and then the 3rd tri that I'll feel some relief. Not looking for any advice, just speaking things out loud. 

twentythree19

@lilirunning34 here to say I struggle to be excited about being pregnant too. Sending hugs

tuxielove93

@lilirunning34

One: I hate being pregnant, so being excited and glowy about pregnancy is basically a no go for me. I have moments of happiness and excitement when I first get the test but otherwise, no. This whole idea that you're supposed to be some happy glowing floaty goddess thing during pregnancy is total bunk, impo. Pregnancy is wildly uncomfortable at best, and you are NOT obligated to enjoy it. 

Two: thanks to my lovely friend anxiety, I spend most of my pregnancies convinced something will go horribly wrong with either the baby or myself. I've found it helpful over the years to put into number perspective the actual likelihood that anything horrible is going to happen. Which is very very very low at this point. After 20 weeks, less than 0.5% of pregnancies would end in stillbirth (not actually even considered a miscarriage at this point). If you have had a normal 20-week ultrasound and you have no symptoms of early labor, you are taking that baby home. Plus even if something DID go wrong there is a lot that modern medicine can do. It astounds me what doctors can do in pregnancy now. 

I know none of that necessarily makes the anxiety go away. But maybe it can bring you some comfort and give you something to say back when the anxiety kicks up. 

kd0811

Also struggling a lot right now. Can someone tell me pregnancy was harder than you expected but having a kid was easier??? I truly romanticized pregnancy and I do not like it

tuxielove93

@kd0811 I also romanticized pregnancy and absolutely hate it in real life. 
Kids are really really hard. But they are 1 million percent worth every hard second. I love having them enough I'm on my third. 

oli9

@kd0811 I’m on my seventh baby so you’d think that I loved to be pregnant, but I absolutely hate being pregnant. I feel so out of control of my own body during pregnancy, there is nothing about it that I find pleasing. I am a little jealous of the women who love to be pregnant and sail through the 9 months like it’s nothing. From the moment I find out I’m pregnant until the moment I deliver, I am miserable. I wish I didn’t feel like this about pregnancy because I’m sure there are women who would give anything to be in this position, and I’ve really tried to change my mindset about it and practice gratitude and focus on the miracle of pregnancy and how fortunate I am to have my kids and have experienced this event in life, but if I’m being honest and real, it’s torture and it’s much easier for me to have a baby then to be pregnant with a baby. 

kd0811

@tuxielove93 @oli9 well there is something to be said if you hate it and it’s still worth doing 3/7 times! Thank you for the perspective will keep that in mind during down days

courtneyqdk

Just here in solidarity with those who hate pregnancy! This one has been especially rough for me, my son started a new preschool in January and with the new batch of germs we have been sick 3 times, and being sick is normally miserable but while pregnant and so many medications are off limits it is just horrendous! I'm feeling like how on earth is there still 18 weeks to go - but also at the same time, holy crap we haven't prepped or organized anything! LOL so very mixed feelings about all of that. For me switching from "22 weeks" to "18 left" really helps for anyone who likes to see the number get smaller and the finish line get closer! Hang in there everyone, summer will be coming soon (I say from Northern Canada as we have a snow day at school today bahahaha)

inthewoods23

@tuxielove93 looking at the numbers for stillbirths has been really helpful for me. My pregnancy has been going so smoothly I can't help but wonder if it's going to go wrong in the end 😕 but knowing baby has a pretty good chance of survival is reassuring, just like all his kicks.

A friend of mine had her baby yesterday after an emergency C-section at 4am due to baby being breech and a placenta abruption. I know labor is different every time but the thought of going through something similar had me feeling a bit distressed yesterday. Is it too early to be anxious about what could happen during labor?

lilirunning34

@inthewoods23 I definitely am feeling anxious about labor even though I’ve gone through it 3x. I just will feel a lot better when we have these babes in our arms. 

oli9

@courtneyqdk that’s exactly what I’ve been doing! Counting down the weeks left instead of counting how many weeks pregnant I am. I even take a week off because they want to induce me a week early. Lol. It’s been helpful. 

courtneyqdk

@oli9 yes me too! My doctor is monitoring a few things and we are talking about induction @ 39 weeks as well. Last pregnancy I was over 41 weeks and I remember it as being the longest couple of weeks of my entire life LOL so I am kind of hoping this plan works out for us hahaha so I am 23 weeks tomorrow, and I am thinking "16 left" instead of 17 because that's the plan unless something changes.

LJMoon6

@courtneyqdk Omg, you sound exactly like me. We went over with DS to 41w too. My OB also told me that we can induce at 39w this time since DS was so large (I guess they only just recently approved this as a reason to induce early). Of course I would rather go naturally but I guess I'm leaning more towards being induced than waiting till 41w again and needing to be induced anyways lol.

zwink1

@inthewoods23 I'm definitely anxious about birth already, but I'm not the right person to provide positive insight on that so I generally avoid sharing the details of my last birth experience with expecting moms unless explicitly asked because nobody needs that anxiety while pregnant!  At this point, I plan on trying a VBAC, but I'm pretty nervous about the situation last time around repeating itself and H is very unsure about this plan so it's bumping up my anxiety.     

@courtneyqdk, I also went over last time around, not quite to 41w.  Both this and my last pregnancy are via IVF though, so pregnancy dating doesn't get any more certain than that l, and my last RE was very surprised my OB let me go over at all.  She would've induced on my due date at the latest.  This time around, my current OB has already said that between the IVF and my last birth experience, she won't let me go over, but we haven't clearly identified a timeline as of yet.

jellie603

I feel like I am struggling in every way possible right now.
- Struggling with my normal anxiety.
- Struggling with SADD
- Struggling with feeling lonely and isolated since we've moved states.
- Struggling with this pregnancy and everything that comes with it. Being pregnant in general, the idea of having twins, mourning the life we were picturing with just 2 kids, the financials, my body.
- Struggling with body image really bad. 
- Struggling with parenting. Our 5yo has been just awful the last few weeks and it is so defeating. He is usually so kind with just a splash of "only child entitlement". But lately he has been so mean to everyone, not listening at school, throwing fits over LITERALLY everything. It is heartbreaking to see and to experience. He can't seem to grasp the concept of talking about what is really going on, or he isn't sure how to connect the dots. I've asked if there is someone at school bothering him, if he is worried about the babies coming, if he feels lonely. Nothing - like talking to a freaking squirrel. Because of this, I am really questioning my (our) parenting and if we can even get to the other side with one good kid, let alone three. And that leads me to freaking out about being a parent to 3 kids. 

courtneyqdk

@jellie603 sorry to hear you are struggling. Not sure if it helps, but my three year old is also making me question all parenting decisions lately. Everything is a THING, know what I mean? I try to practice more "gentle" parenting I guess. Get down on his level, ask him what he needs, and what emotions he is feeling, etc. His reply is "Nothing! No one! Go away!" sort of like, in those moments he just needs to have a tantrum for the sake of having a tantrum? and he seems to switch it on and off like a light switch. 

I have visions flashing before my eyes of these scenarios with a fussy newborn added into the picture and I can definitely relate to how you are feeling, I have no idea how we will manage/get through those situations but maybe, somehow, it will all work out? 

Anyway, no advice but I am hoping things get better for you soon - if nothing else spring weather on the way should be helpful? Hang in there! 

jellie603

@courtneyqdk sounds like our situation too. We practice relatively "gentle" parenting. We implement choices, independence, regular age appropriate chores. But when his feelings are too big lately it is the same thing you're getting "I NEED SPACE!" "Don't talk to me!" "I don't know what's wrong".
And omg yes! The stress of just the thought of having a newborn added to the mix is almost too much to take. People do it all the time - the whole multiple kids thing, so I am sure we will figure it out but right now it doesn't look promising haha.

Spring better hurry up because it is still only 40 degrees here and I'm. Over. It.