WTF Wednesday 2/16

kboydbowman

What crazy shit is going on?

mamamoomoo12

My office is right next to the staff lunch room and it is beyond me why people choose to bring stinky stuff into a communal space... gag. 

mnmomma84

Not necessarily crazy or WTF-worthy, but my husband just called to tell me my in-laws are coming by this evening. No time, no purpose stated (although there is ALWAYS a reason). Usually its so my FIL can get tech support and documents formatted for his business. My MIL stopped by unannounced on Monday, just in time to foil our dinner date night out. They have a habit of coming over at dinner time, so we typically get interrupted mid-meal and then overstay their welcome - I've often gone to bed before they leave. I've been strategic about setting boundaries with them, but since we stayed at their house for 5 days in between selling and buying our home last summer those boundaries have been thrown aside. My sister-in-law tells me all the stories about them coming by unannounced multiple times a week and it's always around the kids' bedtime. They have 4 boys under the age of 7, so bedtime is a whole production. It'd be one thing if the in-laws offered to help but they expect to be "taken care of" at someone else's home. It's just odd. 

kboydbowman

@mnmomma84
sounds like ya'll need a joint intervention!

runsonanxiety

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! They can be difficult to establish, but they pay off!

lucyg00cy

@mnmomma84 yikes!! That is so tough, I can’t imagine how frustrating that is especially when you and your partner are trying to soak up some time together. My parents are very good with boundaries but my fiancé’s parents are thinking about moving from VT to SC and his mom has repeatedly said “I’ll just come live with you all while we’re in between houses” and it’s stressing me out 🙃 I like them, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not living with my in laws while pregnant or while trying to navigate becoming a mother. Between the comments, focus solely on themselves, his dads love of hacking up shit and spitting into our KICHEN sink, and how loud they are in general I’d go postal. Thankfully they try to at least give us a days notice for visits, but even then we’ll have to cancel plans to try and appease them. I’m getting to the point where I just want to flat out tell them no but it’s so tough- I definitely don’t want to hurt their feelings or create drama between them and their son/my fiancé. 

laj0217

@lucyg00cy that sounds like a job for your fiancé! Boundaries are often much easier for the son/daughter to set and maintain vs. the dil/sil. And it keeps you out of the middle and potential drama. 

knottie1ff02b2a6341dbcd

@lucyg00cy
I’m going through something similar. My in laws are in their 70s and have been planning on moving in with my husband and I due to their age. Originally it was supposed to be a 2-3 year plan, but they just sprang on us that they want to be moved in this Summer.. We bought our house in August ‘21 and found out we were pregnant in Jan. I’m at the point where they need to be patient/wait now until at least the baby comes and I’m back on my feet. I won’t live in a construction zone.

Setting boundaries is NOT easy and thankfully my husband is supportive, but the MIL is constantly pushy about when I’m going to start construction plans, designers, furniture, timing.. it can be overwhelming with no real help. My advice is don’t be afraid to push back, I’ve had to learn the hard way with them that tough love is sometimes the only option. ❤️ It feels a lot more liberating when you stop giving a crap about what everyone else thinks or wants and focusing on what you and baby need :)

mnmomma84

Why are in-law struggles so complicated? It makes me feel like an ungrateful brat because they really do care about us and our children and I love them, but I worked very hard on establishing boundaries with them over the past 15 years. It was very bad in the beginning of our marriage so the slide backwards has me a bit concerned. I can admit, even my mom and step-dad tend to overstep but I have zero issues drawing the lines and re-establishing them. My husband ended up calling them and offering to come out to their house instead. It was almost 8:30 and they still hadn't shown up yet. I was getting my 8 year old ready for bed and I told him they can't come so late and stay until they see fit on a school/work night. I'm glad he took one for the team. 

lucyg00cy

@laj0217 I need to follow up with him about how I’m feeling, I’ve talked to him about pushing back before but he’s so go with the flow that he doesn’t realize how comments about moving in are triggering when it’s not their house or their decision. I do want them to live our their retirement dreams just not with us!

jhysmath

I'll add to IL drama.... So FIL and MIL split 43ish years ago when mh was 4. FIL passed away almost 8 years ago and left his house and property to his sons. MH and bil. There were two homes, one a lake house in Northern Quebec and the house in NY. MH chose to sell his portion of the Canada property to BIL as it's a shared property with an uncle who is peculiar about splitting responsibilities at the property. It also paid for much of our wedding and honeymoon.

Anyhow so our NY home we share with BIL even though we live in nh. We're currently working on plans for a big reno starting this summer. We've turned the house from a 1 bedroom hoarders house to 3 bedrooms already. 1 being a large bedroom and then 2 small ones. We have the large bedroom. Our daughter's a small one (though they rarely sleep there) and his brother has a small one. Our reno plans on making a real master upstairs, add a laundry, and 1 or 2 bathrooms depending on costs. Downstairs bils room will be enlarged and then we'll completely change the kitchen with an expansion too.

MH thinks BIL is going to live with us when we move there. BIL keeps saying there's not enough room for all of us and his collectibles (I love him for that). He keeps looking at houses in the area saying they should buy one for MIL as she lives 45 minutes away. MH thinks MIL should either live with us (I'm doing my best at filling all the bedrooms) or they should build her a house on our property (we have 100 acres). BIL keeps saying MIL will retire once we move back to NY because we will now spend all of our time with her.

BIL and mh grew up living with their grandparents because their mom is terrible with money and needed a place to live and for them to watch her children so she could work and they see this as a great idea. I'm used to the idea of you see grandparents on holidays, birthdays, weekend events but you have your family as your family. My grandparents traveled and did things together. I feel like MIL is going to end up at our house constantly and I'm not cool with that. MH thinks I'm rude and I hate MIL. I don't, but I feel like she is not part of our "family",  and me and my children are now being made a part of their family.... That is not worded right at all because yeah we're families but we should be separate households? 

kboydbowman

@jhysmath
sounds like ya'll have very different concepts of the roles of extended family.  Personally, I need a LOT of private time, so the fewer people in the house the better. But that doesn't mean that's the right solution for everyone.

jhysmath

@kboydbowman I'm the same way. I need my space to be my space. Most of the time, I feel like my husband has some oedepus Rex complex in which he had our children to give to his mother and that's the only reason. 

kboydbowman

@jhysmath the boy person's immediate family is all dead and he and the rest of the extended family have essentially disowned each other.  My family lives 3k miles away (literally) and none of them have any desire to move to the west coast, so fortunately this is a non-issue for me.

whitta1015

@kboydbowman That sounds like a blessing. 

Luckily my family (dad, sister, brother) each live about 30 minutes away. My dad comes to visit once every few weekends, which is just enough. We live right in the middle of DH's family (parents, brother+fam, sister+fam), but I wouldn't have it any other way. Everyone keeps to themselves, but we are all right there when someone needs something (babysitting, sugar, borrow someone's car, literally everything). 

jhysmath

@kboydbowman I would count that as a blessing. @whitta1015 your arrangement sounds great too. I just want my time to be my time and to see others once a month if that. Spending a weekend even with my family is exhausting. I need to depeople after spending the day with someone that's not my husband and children. 

theblondebump

My in law situation is so crazy that I don’t even feel comfortable sharing on a public board. But someday when we go private, I’ll have lots of dirt to share! 😂 

kboydbowman

@theblondebump I'm guessing we'll start talking private in late April, early May or so...

mnmomma84

I agree with what others have said. I need my space. Even with my own family. Husband thinks it's my only-child syndrome, and he might be right. I'm all about get togethers with the extended family, but I draw the line at the frequent unannounced visits or extended stays that occur regularly. We live closest to husband's family - his parents and two brothers families are within 30 miles from us. I also don't love the fact that if we make plans with BIL/SIL and our kiddos that MIL can't find out about it because she'd mope and feel like we excluded her. It's just easier to break up the large gatherings sometimes...the whole extended family combined is 16 of us (soon to be 17). 

jhysmath

@mnmomma84 give me a large family gathering over many small gatherings. I can go sit with the people I like and not communicate with people I don't care for. It also means you get everyone done at the same time without actually having to spend time with each of them. Oh and also give me a month to recover without having to see anyone else. 

kboydbowman

We're too scattered for large family gatherings.  The last time we had one where nearly everyone was together was my step-grandmother's memorial service (she unfortunately died of COVID back in January, but it's so hard to coordinate everyone we didn't do the memorial until early August).  Before that, the last one we had was in 2010 when my grandfather died. I'm in California, my mom, father/stepmom, bro(42)/wife/kid(6) are in NC, one aunt and cousin(37)/hubby/kid(1) are in SC, other cousin(44) by that aunt and her kids (19,10) are in TX, and other aunt/husband and my youngest cousin (26) are in Maine.  I don't really worry about my mother's side of the family since she's adopted and we've never really been superclose (I like most of them ok, but there are a handful of literal cult members, too).

foreveronyourside

@mnmomma84 You know, I had a really hard time finding my place in the group but once I read your comment/this thread, I found it. 

Pregnancy is one thing, especially when you can’t really tell anyone yet but the hardest part for me about the whole deal is family. Namely, navigating in-laws. MH and I are best friends and love being together - I really truly think he’s my soulmate. Our families could NOT be anymore different. His is from the north and mine is from the south and we had 2 very different lives growing up and how we related to our families. 

I’m actually dreading telling my in-laws we are pregnant again because of how it will change our dynamic. I’m scared to lose the little bit of privacy and family time we have right now. They want to see us/spend time with our son every single weekend and it’s driving me insane 😫 
I have also had a pretty negative past with them prior to our first son. 

puppiesandbabies

I don't know if it's because the grass is greener on the other side, but both my spouse and I are far away from our families and we constantly crave for the next family gathering. I know family can be a pain sometimes, but don't forget to take some time to appreciate having your loved ones near.

babywiik

@jhysmath I love all my family but I also need my space. We've stayed for extended periods of time with my parents and with my in laws and by the end of the stay I am very ready to have my own space again. If I want to spend all day on the couch then I want to do that without someone walking around being annoyed at me and the same the other way around. I chose to spend my life living with my husband, not my in laws. If we ever move back to the US there's a good chance we would begin by living at my parents but that's not a long term solution. I want my parents house to be a fun place to come back to rather than a place I need to escape from.