My body wasn't ready, can it still become able to breastfeed without horrendous pain?

nicademus20

Hello everyone, 

I had an emergency c-section a month before my due date. Then at the hospital, they gave me a machine pump that could begin the lactation process. I was told to "take it almost more than you can tolerate and turn it down one" and to do each breast 15 minutes, every 3 hours. 
I cried each and every time. Part due to stress of the situation, part due to the pressure the suction put on my nipples was terrible pain. 
Then I began to get some of the colostrum and was very happy! But it didn't make it passed that point for two more days, and each time was still me sitting at the pump, crying in pain trying to get that milk really flowing! 

I began to give up. Then was discharged from the hospital after 5 days, so I was losing the pump anyways. Good riddance. 
I bought a hand pump and did it, it didn't hurt! 
And also didn't have the pressure it needs to begin full milk production? 
It's been 2 days and I seem to have lost the momentum I had, no more colostrum. 
My heart is downtrodden. 

Is there advice/experience that it may come back, or even still have a chance to have full milk production? 
My baby is in the nicu still. I'd die to get him out as I feel like if I had him with me and he were sucking than maybe my body can begin to do its thing. 
It is also in my head I lost the birth experience (I was put under for the c-section) and don't want to lose out on this I hoped would be the mother experience I could do. 

Any advice/experience is welcome

komamommy

@nicademus20
I wish I had some advice or encouragement to give to assure you that your breastfeeding will get back on track. I’ve never been in a similar situation but want to let you know I am moved by your story and will be praying for you and your little one. 

I can imagine the heartache of not being able to bring your little guy home and caring for him the way you feel instincts to. I can imagine feeling pretty helpless and powerless. 

I am wondering if there is a lactation consultant at the hospital you could meet with to advise you on how to build supply while your little one is in the NICU. 

angiiieee

I've always thought that pumping is more difficult than breastfeeding. Especially at the beginning, it can be super devastating when it feels like nothing is coming out. I definitely think your body needs to get used to pumping before you start seeing a more regular milk production, so I would say to continue pumping and see if you can get in touch with a lactation consultant. 

I do also have a friend who had stopped breastfeeding, but their family was going through some things. Her daughter wanted that comfort she had before when nursing and her body started producing milk again, so I do think you should still have the opportunity to breastfeed 

nicademus20

Thank you to both of you for commenting 😊
I did talk with lactation consultants while at the hospital, and for a little bit after I was discharged. 
When it all came down to it though, the stress I had about using the pump and the intense pain it caused, coupled with the post-partum I was already feeling, I did decide to just formula feed. 

While I still cried after that decision, and still have that "not really a mother" thought as I don't experience the bonding as much as breast feeding mothers (but that is being talked about with therapy), it did take a lot of the weight off that I had placed on myself. 

My little guy still seems very healthy and is growing well and gaining weight so that does help say "it's okay afterall" in the end ☺