No joy

vcohen88

This is my sixth pregnancy. I do not have a child as I suffer from recurrent miscarriages. Five babies to remember. Otis made it to 26 weeks in October 2019, but died in my womb when my placenta developed a blood clot. I do not get to feel any joy or happiness. Every time I go to an ultrasound appointment I breakdown. I immediately cry, constantly thinking is this going to be the time that they tell me “no heartbeat.” Honestly, those poor ultrasound techs. I am so sorry. They say you have to be happy, but I just can’t let my guard down. I am at week 11. On 2/18, I will have my big NIPT test and get to anxiously and constantly think until then. Do you have a heartbeat, my little peanut? 

Why am I sharing? I feel alone right now. I feel like not many people know this amount of heartbreak and pain that comes from losing a baby. There is so much guilt. So many questions. Did I make a mistake by letting myself keep trying and allowing myself to get pregnant again? Am I selfish? 

I feel like no one really knows my story, except my husband who is kindest man on earth. This is almost a confessional, but I had to let it off my chest. I’m scared and feel absolutely no joy. 

coco2787

I’m so sorry for your losses. I hope you’ll introduce yourself in our introduction thread and join us in our weekly discussions! I also recommend changing your username to something more unique. There are several ladies in this group that have experienced loss and we have a Pregnant after loss (PGAL) thread every week if you’d like to
jump in. It’s been a great help for me to talk to others who understand the fear and anxiety. 

and_peggy

Hey Knottie, I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone right now. We have a great community of ladies that have experienced loss here. I can’t relate exactly but I’ve had a few losses and understand the anxiety that comes with that. I hope you get a beautiful baby this time and that you’re able to connect here 💞💜💙

wigglyicecream

Here to echo what @coco2787 has said. Please introduce yourself so we can get to know you. This community is incredibly supportive and I think you will benefit from talking with others who have been down similar paths as you. I hope you find joy in this pregnancy and your baby is healthy. 

Katek819

We are here for you. I've lost 2 babies and feel the anxiety too. Sending hugs and good vibes