Miscarrying while working

hopingfornmbr3at40

I found out a week and a half ago I possibly had a blighted ovum. I had never heard the term and I’m 40 with 2 older kids. I should’ve been almost 9 weeks at the time but was measuring 7+1. There was a chance it was miscalculated so I scheduled to come back for another ultrasound in 11 days. Going through that time has been mental torture as it is. Plus having to work in healthcare, taking care of people when all you want to do is take care of yourself. I woke up this morning and saw the first bit of blood. 2 days away from my next ultrasound. No cramping but just brownish red  spotting. I have felt over the past week something was wrong although I was trying to have faith that I would be the exception. Pregnancy symptoms that have faded and now what I’ve dreaded and known what was coming. I called the dr and because the bleeding wasn’t excessive they said to keep my next ultrasound appointment and let them know if things get worse. But it made me realize what a lot of people don’t talk about. I had approximately 30-45 mins to “process” what was physically happening before having to go to work. Then working all day with patients while wearing a pad wondering when and if the horrible cramps and heavy flow will start any minute. The mental aspect of this experience has been more than draining. Almost like a zombie in shock going through the motions because there’s no time in reality to grieve a loss unless you’re physically unable to work or things have progressed to the point of needing medical intervention. I just needed to vent this and know I’m not the only one who has had to put a fake face on to get through the day knowing you’re going through this heartbreak. 

stormageddon-darklordofall

Yup.  Been there, done that.  5 MCs and no living children.  Crying in my cubicle.  Co-workers announcing their JOYOUS PGs one after the other, wondering why I'm not excited to attend their baby showers and talk about all the kids/babies/PGs in the office.  My mom (echoing society) repeatedly telling me how HAPPY I should be for every other woman I'm surrounded with and all of their kids and families as I bleed and am in pain and having complications from MCs.  As I go through RPL testing.  As insurance tells me that MY children are elective and they/society won't help me. 

MC is awful.  RPL is worse.  And everyone will feel bad for you and give you grace for maybe a week or so, and then expect that you SHOULD just be 'over it.'  Unless you end up childless with RPL, and then they look at you with pity and sadness, while also expecting that you should just be 'over it' and be happy for everyone else.  Total suckage. 

I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope you can find time to be kind to yourself.  Even call off work for several days if you can.  MC is emotional and physical and just awful.

maggiemadeit

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Waiting for that next ultrasound sounds like torture. 

I just found out on Friday at 10.5 weeks that I have a blighted ovum, our second consecutive loss, and now waiting for Monday to schedule a D&C. I relate to what you said, I felt like I had the hour at the hospital to get this awful news and talk through the options and then immediately had to go home to my family and my work and figure out how to be a human despite being completely devastated on the inside.

I know you said you work in healthcare and I’m sure you are in high demand and your patients rely on you, but I am going to echo what @stormageddon-darklordofall has said, please try to take some time for yourself. You deserve rest and compassion at this time. Please take good care. 

hopingfornmbr3at40

Thanks to you both. I ended up having the ultrasound and still no growth. Measuring 7+1 at 10 weeks. It did look like 2 possible yolk sacs but still nothing more. I scheduled a d&c and ended up miscarrying naturally starting this past Saturday. Still trying to wrap my head around it all. I returned to work today and I know I am not mentally ready. I wish there was a set amount of days our jobs had to give for things like this. I think it would make people so much better when they need to return to work. Me returning with an empty tank is not good for anyone.  😔 not to mention having to return for regular blood draws to watch the numbers drop. It’s depressing. 

acj1020

I’m dealing with the same thing now. In healthcare. Measured two weeks behind. Spotted for six days and still worked while being anxious and terrified every trip to the bathroom. Now full blow cramps (which feels like an understatement) and bleeding. I woke up this morning after a terrible night preparing to go to work. Debated on going even though I was still cramping because I didn’t want my patients to get missed. After I checked my BP and it was 80/56 I let myself call off. That is so ridiculous that we have such a mindset and sense of guilt in healthcare. We are still human and deserve compassion, grace and empathy. Thank you for your post. It makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone. 💜

allly21

Your story really resonated with me and thank you for sharing it.
I also had an ultrasound where they were concerned with the babies growth. They were not too sure if the ovulation dates were off or if I messed up my last period date so they asked me to come back 10 days later for another ultrasound. Those ten days were sooo long and soo hard. I cried and grieved. I too tried to remain positive but my mind couldn’t help but go to the worst case scenario. I also had minimal pregnancy symptoms and those were starting to fade. I felt a sink in my heart like something was wrong. I made sure to schedule the next ultrasound on a day off. We found out that day that there was no heart beat and it was also possibly twins. The grief sunk in immediately. I went back to work the next day bleeding lightly dreading what comes next medically and whether it’s going to show up when I am providing emotional support to my clients. I am grieving during incremental periods such as on a lunch break, after work for an hour or two or on the ride home. It doesn’t feel like there is the time and space to do so. And when I feel ok, I get cramps or have to go for a blood test or have a call with a doctor which puts me back into that sad place. Feeling so emotionally drained and supporting others because that is my career is so hard. Self compassion is so important during this time period and there is really something wrong with our society when we feel so much guilt for calling in sick to take care of ourselves when we need it most.

knottie916b0e4bc0bc7f1f

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m a physician, just started a new job this week, and within an hour of being there, I started bleeding (I was 11 weeks, & previously had an US showing a viable intrauterine pregnancy at 8 weeks + 2 days). I feared the worst, & US confirmed no heartbeat. I took misoprostol and am dealing with the bleeding & cramping as we speak, as well as the emotional toll of it all. I am so incredibly disappointed that this happened, but also grateful that it happened during my first week, when I didn’t have patients scheduled, as I cannot imagine having to provide care right now. As healthcare workers we tend to out others’ needs before our own, but I think it’s really imperative for us to take time for ourselves when we need it, too. Like they say on the airplane… have to secure your own mask before helping others.