April 2022 Moms

The (Un)Helpful Comments Thread

Family members, in-laws, friends, strangers— everyone has an opinion when you're pregnant! Let's hear some of the (un)helpful advice / comments / tips that you've been receiving these days!


Re: The (Un)Helpful Comments Thread

  • I’ll start us off with this lovely gem from my dad recently:

    ”You’re not actually going to have him pronounce his last name like that, are you? So the kids at school will have to say ‘hey, pass the ball to (______)?’ You’ll need to give him a really strong first name to make up for his last name.”

    First of all, thanks for learning how to pronounce our last name up to this point dad. Second, we live in a very diverse, multicultural area where his peers will have a huge variety of names. I’m sure ours will not be the only one that sounds foreign!

    For context, our French last name can be difficult to spell and pronounce for English-speakers. In fact, different members of hubby’s family even pronounce the name differently— my FIL pronounces it different from how my MIL pronounced it when she was married to him. When we got married we decided our family will stick with the traditional pronunciation used by thousands of families across France and Canada. Apparently, my dad (still living in the small minded small town we are from) thinks it’s too “feminine” and “foreign sounding” and prefers the “Americanized” version (aka the mispronounced version).
  • Oh man, where to start. We haven’t had as many this time because we’ve been more isolated— physically and on social media— but I got/get a lot with DD6. Mostly about our more gentle approach to parenting (we don’t spank, which is very out of place with how DH and I were both raised). Lots of comments about how ineffective time-out is and how “she just needs a good whoopin’” (from the in-laws, my parents never say anything to us about parenting choices). DD6 is incredibly well-behaved so I’m not sure where they get this from. Also a lot of “you’ll get tired of it fast” in regards to our cloth diapering (we exclusively used cloth for almost two years so obvs we didn’t), and weird backlash about my breastfeeding choices. DD6 self-weaned at 20 months so it wasn’t like I was breastfeeding a first grader (no judgment btw). But I got a lot of “you’re ruining her teeth”, “how does your husband feel about that”, “do you want help covering up”, and some variation of “you’re spoiling her, she needs to soothe herself, etc” from complete strangers as well as from acquaintances and in-laws. 

    I feel like most of what annoys me is the totally outdated “advice” people give me about medical management. I had one coworker tell me I had to get rid of my cats now because they’re dangerous around babies. Uh, no. Also the “you need to give up coffee, tea, wine, exercise, etc” comments, or when people try to push food on me because I’m supposedly “eating for two” now. Oh, and the other day someone (not in anyway medically-affiliated) told me my MFM made a mistake and I needed to be on bed rest until I delivered so I should just go ahead and do that. But I think in the 6 years since we had DD we’ve done a good job building our village and making it clear to the in-laws that we don’t need or want their advice unless we ask for it, so the comments have gotten less and less as time goes by. Except the occasional stupid auntie in Target or whatever asking why DD isn’t wearing any socks or some variation of being a nosy ass.
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  • This is a little later on (not baby stage) but I can’t stand the comments from the ILs and extended family questioning why I allow my son to have longish hair and wear whatever colors he wants. BECAUSE COLORS DONT HAVE GENDERS! Similarly, “Why did you buy him a doll? What is he supposed to do with that?” 🙄
  • edited January 2022
    @Avrilmai whhhyyy would someone feel like its ok to say something like that to you. I swear!
  • aloha_mamaaloha_mama member
    edited January 2022
    @bluecampanula This made me laugh! I hope he had handouts lol

    @dinomeetsjedi That whole school of thinking makes me so sad. Like a newborn has the ability to manipulate us. It’s been disproven so many times but it seems like it’s still so popular! 

    ETA more because I posted too early
  • @minnie_yoga_mama We get that a lot, too, although since we have a girl already it’s mostly the “I bet you hope it’s a boy so you can have one of each!” And stuff about how DH needs a soccer/hunting/surfing/etc buddy.
  • @doxiemoxie212 “I like explaining to people why they’re wrong” has me rolling. 100% 

    @aloha_mama a lot. Even my next door neighbor who knows we had two losses and have been wanting more kids. People mostly say it to my husband. 

    @minnie_yoga_mama yeah what is it with people and their weird nuclear family expectation of one mom, one dad, one son, and one daughter?? Like that’s the unspoken rule we’re all supposed to aim for. Then if you get two of the same it’s ok to try for a third but anything past three and you’re automatically an alien. But you get to skip ahead to alien if you get one of each and still go for a third anyway, because “don’t you know what causes that?” 
  • @doxiemoxie212 this is great!

     I'm either ok with people making good hearted yet crazy recommendations like one lady would not let me sit on the floor because it would hurt the baby. I was like ok and stood up and sat on a chair while we were together. Then proceeded to do whatever I wanted once she left. Not worth arguing with a near stranger. 

    But even my in-laws know better than to tell me how to parent. I'll ask if I have questions or am interested in your opinion. And if you want to share your opinion unsolicited I will absolutely share mine. Now if I ask, even if I disagree I'll hear you out and say thanks for your opinion. I feel like as I hear these comments everyone I don't know which camp I'm in more but it's totally one or the other.
  • Luckily my family doesn't say much except my sister. Though we are all stubborn people so I think we all just know the other person doesn't want to hear it just like you don't want to lol. But my sister has been trying to have a second kid for years unsuccessfully so she's a bit neurotic about kids and thinks she's helping like when my "morning sickness" lasted 18 weeks she kept telling me things to do or eat and I was just like please let me just lay in a pile in quiet.
    Strangers like to tell me about feeding my son,  all the time. "We had them eat this or that so he wouldn't have issues down the line" or "if you let them starve they will eventually eat what you offer". Turns out my son is like me if we don't want the food we won't eat it. We will wither away and become malnourished and sleep at the table during meals to avoid eating and things will get scary for the adults and they will eventually cave or have to get you a feeding tube. But yes, thank you for telling me to have him help cook the food so he'll want to eat it.
  • teamama80 said:

    <3 my MIL!

  • @winterviolethope ok so now I remember people constantly asking me when she was sleeping through the night. Totally as polite banter and I was like 2 years in thinking, um never. So I NEVER ask parents that question. It's annoying and makes everyone feel bad especially FT parents and it's totally normal to not sleep through the night.

    She is 5 and still finds her way to my bed in the night half the time and my husband and I are fine with it.
  • These comments made me sigh and laugh and sympathise. We put up with a lot, don't we?

    I'm usually the kind of person to shut people down really quick when they give me unwanted advice but I have somehow been a bit more tolerant lately.

    We're team green and the other day my grandma was trying to predict whether it'll be a boy or girl by thinking of the order children were born in my and DH's family. I told her that's not how it works and she spoke over me insisting it is. Ok grandma, whatever you think.
  • @rbflei oh my goodness yes. I hate the sleep question. Also, I realized at one point that people have different definitions of “through the night”. 

    On the other side I had someone complain to me recently about how their 1 month old *only* slept for 6 hours straight at night. And then followed up asking, “when did your babies start sleeping through the night?” No. Just stop. 
  • Oh man some of these comments! I've been lucky not to get too many yet but +1 to the annoying team green comments. How many times have I heard "You look so beautiful! You're obviously having a boy!" and though he means well, the constant comments from my FIL about it being a girl (he has 3 grandchildren, all boys). I don't want to feel all this pressure to have a girl!

    Also @Ivorytower2 ew to both of those comments. Like who are you and why does that make you think you can say that to a stranger?!
  • I loved the zombie apocalypse comment...that's gotta be the best/worst comment to get. :)
    The most unhelpful comments have been from my mom...which I knew would happen, and I'm trying not to let it get under my skin because I'm sure it will only get worse. 
    When I was around 20 weeks my mom asked me when I was going to wear maternity clothes. And I was like...idk? When I get to the point I need to....? Why are you commenting on my clothes? My clothes all fit fine, and maternity clothes still don't fit right haha (even though I do have some now!).
    A couple weeks later she was in town visiting, and we were eating dinner and I said I was going to order the mac & cheese, and she said "aren't you supposed to be watching your carbs?" and I think I managed to say "uh....no...?"
    We also are living in a one bedroom apartment, and I told her I was getting a bassinet to have by our bed (and we aren't using a crib), and she insists that the baby will not sleep in our room. And it drives me nuts because I wasn't asking for her opinion, and she keeps bringing it up, even though I have told her yes, I may change my mind, but for now that is the plan. Last time she came over she even told me exactly where in our living room the baby was going to be sleeping (and that we would need a crib after two weeks so we needed to start looking into one). Ok thanks mom...wasn't asking, and I still haven't asked.

  • Omg some of these 😳😳😳

    Luckily the family hasn't given us too many bad comments and hopefully they know not to give me parents advise unless I ask.

    I have not put on a ton of weight and I'm 5ft8 so I'm not showing as much as other moms, which I'm a little self conscious about. The one comment I get everywhere is "you're so tiny" or "you can't even tell you're pregnant" (if I'm wearing a coat). These are actually a little hurtful. 

    Also, the "just relax" or "don't worry" comments from parents has been thrown at me all through our IVF journey and pregnancy. NOT a helpful comment if I'm stressing about something. 
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