Potential Name Causing Major Family Drama

knottied003faf12a19ae39

Disclaimer- Certain details are being left purposefully vague for privacy and I'm being as concise as possible and leaving in only what I feel are important elements to the story.
A little background- I'm having my second boy in March and my husband and I are having the hardest time agreeing on a name. We have narrowed it down to 3 but it has taken my entire pregnancy to do so. With our first son, we did not announce his name until after he was born but this time we are not being secretive and have been sharing our ideas with family. We are not letting them decide, simply opening the door for shared ideas and brainstorming combinations of first/middle names.
So here is my issue- One of my sisters ("R") is extremely unhappy with one of our top 3 names. The reason being, her ex(es) has(ve) a child with the same name. To clarify, R was in a fully consensual polyamorous relationship with a married couple and was living with them and their children for the duration of the relationship. There was never any abuse (physical or otherwise) in the relationship. However, things ended badly when R became life-threateningly ill and they left her home alone to fend for herself (her illness could not have been predicted or diagnosed and by all accounts, they did nothing wrong by leaving town). R has since made a full recovery; but while we were still unsure as to whether she would live, one person in the relationship was spreading lies about R, saying she was a homewrecker and a danger to the children. This whole situation happened between 12-14 months ago. All ties have since been cut with the couple and R is undergoing therapy to process the trauma. My husband and I only met the couple once.
Now the question- Are we wrong for considering the same name as them, given their involvement and R's trauma? The name is fairly common and if not for this situation, we would have settled on it months ago. DH and I agree that the final decision is ours but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that my sister will most likely resent us (and baby) should we choose this name.
Thank you in advance!!!

harpseal135

You have 2 other names you agree w/ use them.  Honestly, if there is that bad connection that you know for your sister, don't put her through that.  Seriously, it sounds like she has gone through a lot and recovering, why would you name your kid a name that could be a trigger for her or bring back bad memories?

Its almost a no Brainerd here, JMO! 

QFP

knottied003faf12a19ae39 said:

Disclaimer- Certain details are being left purposefully vague for privacy and I'm being as concise as possible and leaving in only what I feel are important elements to the story.
A little background- I'm having my second boy in March and my husband and I are having the hardest time agreeing on a name. We have narrowed it down to 3 but it has taken my entire pregnancy to do so. With our first son, we did not announce his name until after he was born but this time we are not being secretive and have been sharing our ideas with family. We are not letting them decide, simply opening the door for shared ideas and brainstorming combinations of first/middle names.
So here is my issue- One of my sisters ("R") is extremely unhappy with one of our top 3 names. The reason being, her ex(es) has(ve) a child with the same name. To clarify, R was in a fully consensual polyamorous relationship with a married couple and was living with them and their children for the duration of the relationship. There was never any abuse (physical or otherwise) in the relationship. However, things ended badly when R became life-threateningly ill and they left her home alone to fend for herself (her illness could not have been predicted or diagnosed and by all accounts, they did nothing wrong by leaving town). R has since made a full recovery; but while we were still unsure as to whether she would live, one person in the relationship was spreading lies about R, saying she was a homewrecker and a danger to the children. This whole situation happened between 12-14 months ago. All ties have since been cut with the couple and R is undergoing therapy to process the trauma. My husband and I only met the couple once.
Now the question- Are we wrong for considering the same name as them, given their involvement and R's trauma? The name is fairly common and if not for this situation, we would have settled on it months ago. DH and I agree that the final decision is ours but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that my sister will most likely resent us (and baby) should we choose this name.
Thank you in advance!!!

mb0112

I probably wouldn't use it. If it was your favorite boy name all your life I think it might be different, but considering you already have a boy I'm guessing that's not the case and it's just a current favorite. It sucks to take your top choice off the table but that would kind of ruin it for me and it sounds like your sister is in a really vulnerable place so it is not worth upsetting her more.

betsummerswilliams

I say be true to yourself and your authentic desires. As a former mental health professional on disability for PTSD, if I were upset over every name that had a bad association… I’d be upset a lot. 

I think the contentment of you and YH come first. You’re being empathetic to her potential resentment, which is courteous & admirable. Yet, will you one day resent her for walking on eggshells & influencing your son’s name choice, or when future pangs of baby name envy come up if you hear it on the playground? That’s my two cents. 

harpseal135

@larkinsummerswilliams, completely disagree.  The OP has two other names that are on their list. Its obvious its not the "only name."

The OP will probably see her sister an future nephew frequently.  The association will be there more frequently than an encounter on a playground.  

If it was a top choice the 1st boy would have been named said name if it was that important.  Now that there is boy 2 they have 3 names to use.  I definately would respect my sister and not name my kid said name.

maple1422

There are names we will not use because either I or DH have some sort of poor connection with them. I’d follow suit here and not stir up negativity with your new bundle of joy. 

hws80622

Agree with @betsummerswilliams. Name the baby what you and your husband feel is right for him. It’s obviously a delicate situation but this is your child, not your sister’s. Hopefully your sister is in therapy and will be able to work through any name resentment issues!