Struggling After Miscarriage

wship2

My husband and I recently had a miscarriage. Although short, the entire pregnancy was a roller coaster from the start and we were in and out of the doctor’s office multiple times due to bleeding, cramping, subchorionic hematoma, low fetal heart rate, measuring behind schedule, etc. The last time we went in was when we were told the heart beat was gone; baby measured 6w 1d but should have been close to 8w. Ended up taking Misoprostol at home to pass the pregnancy and am awaiting follow-up appointment to confirm I’m no longer pregnant and get the green light to try again. This was my first pregnancy. 

The whole thing has been much more devastating and difficult than I ever thought. I’ve felt embarrassed, withdrawn, and don’t hardly ever want to be around people besides my husband. My emotions/hormones seem to be so wild, up and down day to day. We had not told anyone about our pregnancy which I’m especially thankful for now so I don’t have to talk about it except for with my husband. There has however been more tension/arguments between us as we grieve very differently and in general just have different demeanors/responses to a given situation. At times it seems we argue easier even about things unrelated to the pregnancy/miscarriage. What’s also difficult is people are constantly asking us when/if we’re having children, including family at times.

I’m wondering if anyone else has also gone through these same emotions after miscarriage and maybe how they dealt with family and being around others. When did you start to feel like yourself again? What helped you and your partner remain united through adversity and differing coping styles? I truly am glad we kept our pregnancy/miscarriage private but it can feel very isolating during the time of the aftermath, especially when my partner and I are in a rough patch. 

stormageddon-darklordofall

@wship2 I'm sorry for your loss.  MC is hard and dealing with the aftermath of emotions is harder.  

Keep in mind that you may still have PG hormones in your system, which can be making your emotions even stronger than they already would be.  That should go away in the next few weeks, which should help you feel more in control.  It's also very good that you can acknowledge that your husband and you grieve/respond differently, also keep in mind that YOU had the ability to feel all the changes in your body and your hormones and everything with this baby, whereas he did not.  I've had 5 early losses, and that's something my husband and I have talked and acknowledged often. It doesn't mean that he doesn't grieve, he just does so differently than I do, and without feeling the hormones and emotions from the PG that I did.  I don't want to scare you, but it is quite common for relationships to struggle and even end after the loss of PGs/children.  So, if you are both amenable, you could seek out a therapist.  Or you could seek one out for yourself if your husband prefers to grieve quietly/alone.

I never announced my first PG and I was grateful I didn't have to tell people about it, but that ended up being a double-edged sword for me.  Because I ended up crying or depressed in my work cubicle many days for weeks afterwards, and didn't want to talk about it, but people NOTICED I was completely different.  I did announce when I lost my second PG, and have been much more open about it since then.  It is YOUR choice as to how you want to approach your situation and others, but I personally have found it much easier to just acknowledge my situation and talk about it openly and honestly.  So when people ask "how many kids do you have?"  I say "5 miscarriages, no living ones."  When they ask "When are you going to have kids?" I say "I have 5 dead babies, and it doesn't look like we will have a living child."  It stops people in their tracks, but also MAKES them think about the fact that not everyone just chooses to attempt to have a baby, and pops one out whenever they feel like it.  And I hope it gives them pause before they ask the next person about it, and possibly saves the next woman who is struggling the gut-stabbing pain I felt when I was asked.

Just remember it is OK to feel a variety of things for months after your MC (or even years after).  You're allowed to feel sad that you won't get to announce the baby during the upcoming holidays.  You're allowed to be angry that someone else's PG worked out and yours did not.  You're allowed to feel depressed that things went how they did.   YOu're allowed to skip the next baby shower invitation you receive.  You're allowed to be bitter that this is how it went.  It's part of working through it.  But if you feel too sad to get off the couch for days on end, or want to actually do harm to yourself or others, or feel that you can't talk to your partner at ALL about ANYTHING, then I definitely would seek out a therapist to talk through things.

Again, sorry for your loss, and good luck processing everything.