Miscarriage after infertility and adoption

nikki0915

I feel so alone in miscarriage, after the first few weeks, I feel uncomfortable in bringing it up anymore even to my husband. I want to share the story of our little miracle, even though we had to say goodbye too soon. 

In September, 9 years ago we started trying for a baby right after we got married, actually during our honeymoon we got busy. We had been dating for 7 years, so we were ready to start a family of our own. If we got pregnant right away after marriage, it would be months before we would have a baby to care for. The first year of trying was fun and exciting, no rules, just whenever the time felt right we baby danced.

Going into our second year of trying for a baby I started to get concerned, why isn't it happening faster? In hopes of moving the process along quickly, I made an appointment with my OB. I found out at the first appointment without bloodwork or any other considerations, I was told I have Polycystic ovarian syndrome and it will be very hard for me to have children of my own without help. This was based on my lack of regular cycles and my weight. Not to say I didn't believe the diagnosis, but I figured I was young enough to keep trying and wasn't going to let it ruin my dreams of having a family.

Time went on and we kept trying on our own and I thought for sure it was just going to happen eventually. After another year, I decided it was time to get some more information and possibly some help. I was so nervous going to the fertility specialists, what would they find wrong, but I was also excited, maybe they could fix the problem and we could make a baby. After testing they confirmed the PCOS diagnosis, found my husband to be healthy and everything was good with him. They suggested IUI OR IVF and we found out our insurance would no longer be covering either one. We tried some medications but with no success, eventually decided to just give up on those.

After another few years my husband proudly said "let's adopt, I want to be a dad!" So after months of classes, tons of paperwork and home visits, we were certified foster parents. Quickly after we were matched with twin boys, their story is private to them and I won't be sharing the details of what happened before they entered our home 4 years ago. Full of joy and energy, we were so excited to finally be parents. 

Our home felt full, over full and we decided it was time to find a bigger house. After only a month on the market, our house sold. We found a new house that was a bit of a fixer upper, but has plenty of room to grow. We moved in and started our next chapter.

Listen, I'm going to be completely honest here, I don't know for sure we wanted another kid. Kids are a ton of work, they need everything from you everyday. However, each day they learn new things and start doing things on their own and slowly need you less. After just a few months in our new home, I found out I was pregnant in September this year, I was so excited, thoughts about the task of taking care of a baby and the financial woes were not on my mind. The only thing I thought about was wow I finally got pregnant and we will have a baby that we created, that is both mine and my husband's DNA.

How I found out...I started noticing, my boobs were very sore for a few weeks and it seemed like I was using the restroom more than I have ever had to. When I noticed I was so tired and wanting to nap in the middle of the day, I knew something was going on. I've taken so many negative tests over the years, when the blue plus sign appeared instantly I was somehow not as surprised as I should have been. I just knew I was pregnant, i was sure before I got the positive test. I had it behind my back and hurried downstairs, past my kids and straight to my husband. My whole arm shaking as I held it up to show him. "How accurate are those?" He was immediately worried if he should be excited, I mean this is a moment we never thought would ever happen. He was worried about the financial aspects of another child, and my needing to take time off work. I couldn't stop smiling, we will figure all that out, let's just be excited. He asked I take another test to be sure and I had a digital one on hand. It displayed "pregnant" instantly. He said his heart felt weird, he couldn't breathe. We were so happy. Maybe it will be a girl and then our family will be complete.

I would take another two tests the following day and all 4 positive tests lined up, greeted me on my closet shelf every day. I made my first appointment, confirmed by their tests, yes you are pregnant. All my blood work came back great. Our first ultrasound, the baby would be 9 weeks and we should have a heartbeat by then, September 15th, our 9 year wedding anniversary. We had a few weeks to wait for the appointment, we spent the time telling a few close family and friends, coming up with names and discussing how life would change. Going into the appointment I was so excited, I couldn't wait to see our little one on the screen. 

"It looks like you are less than you think" these words seemed so unimportant at the time. Perhaps I just ovulated later than I thought, I was calculating everything on my last cycle, and my cycles are so irregular as it is. So we left the appointment hopeful, we had seen our little one and next week we get to see our little Jelly Bean again so they can check for heartbeat. I was 6 weeks and heartbeats are visible by 7 weeks.  We spent the next few days spilling the beans to everyone we knew. Afterall we had waited a very long time to have this kind of news. We told our sons that Mommy had a baby in her belly and they were so excited to have a sibling. We were over the moon!

September 19

I pulled my husband by the hand, away from everyone gathered at my in laws house. I had something to say, I couldn't look him in the eyes as I whispered... "We have to leave, I'm bleeding, we are going to loose the baby." We waved goodbye quickly, and drove home. He was so optimistic, my sister in law was the only one who also knew what was going on. She had said it was common to spot in early pregnancy. I just knew this wasn't common, it didn't feel right. 

I called the doctor when I got home and he said as long as it doesn't get heavy and you start cramping, it should be fine. I had an ultrasound the following day where the heartbeat was not seen and the baby had not grown in size. The ultrasound technician said it was a missed miscarriage where the fetus hadn't been able to grow past 6 weeks and my body didn't miscarry on its own. I may need to have a D&C or take a pill to start the process, whatever my decision. I went home praying this was all a bad dream.

The next morning, it became heavy and the severe cramping started. It was happening, my worst fear, I was loosing this little miracle, 9 years in the making. Oh my little Jelly Bean, I so badly wanted to be your Mommy. The pain was awful, I made my way through half the day and then the bleeding was coming on too fast. I just needed to be on the toilet so much, I couldn't be at work anymore. My husband came home so I didn't have to be alone. After a few hours the bleeding was more bareable and I took a few showers during the process, it really helped. We spent the next day at home grieving the loss of our little one. I sat with my feet up close by my husband while he was installing a floor in my the office, he didn't know how to make the pain go away, but this was his way of coping. 

Even though it was only a few weeks old, it was a baby to me. It was our baby, the one we had dreamed of all these years. Over the next few days I decided we needed to try again right away, it was the only thing that could help me get over the grief. So hopefully I will be more fertile following my miscarriage. We tried again hopefully timing everything correctly. I am in the TWW as I write this.

Pathology results, following my natural miscarriage my doctor took a sample and sent it off to the lab, it took 3 weeks to have the results. Our baby girl had abnormal karotype with trisomy, additional chromosome 16. The doctor said "unfortunately the fetus was incompatible with life."   May she rest in peace.