FFFC 9.17

pajamstagrams

*Not guaranteed to be flame free!

b_1029

I’m 95% sure DH and I haven’t had sex since we conceived this baby. I’m pretty sure he realizes that too because he has made comments about how it has been sooOoO long. 

sex has always been a major issue in our relationship and it’s so frustrating. 

acleverusername

@b_1029 do you mind sharing a bit more details about why it's been a "major issue"? 

MH has suddenly discovered the Internet (sarcasm; he lives on HackerNews and Reddit) and now I have a feeling that I'm going to have to stop eating/drinking/etc. many things. This morning it's "maybe we should give up the decaf coffee we've been drinking?" And I was like... but up 200mg of caffeine is safe in pregnancy. And he's like "well I've been reading on WebMD and Healthline"... Argh. Currently ordering Emily Oster's "Expecting Better" book. *major eye roll*

And846

@b_1029 oh man, that’s a tough spot and not needed added pressure during pregnancy. Anything that can be worked through?

@acleverusername ditto - my hubs manages my coffee and activity level and is like “I’m helping my baby”

i think mine this week is i have told hubs that i will get out of retail management after 2 kids (no more nights/weekends/holidays) and he is on a work trip this week and is texting me “so, find another job yet?!”
bro- i don’t even know what i want to do but i know skills are so transferable but sometimes getting out of exec level mgmt is harder than it looks.

b_1029

@acleverusername girl, enjoy your coffee! As long as you aren’t consuming an insane amount, it’s fine. I had a cup of keurig coffee almost every day of my last pregnancy and would’ve gone insane without it 😆 I liked Expecting Better!

Well are you ready for an essay RE: sex? Putting in spoiler for length. And @And846 we can definitely work through it, but need to learn how to communicate better (hence why I want to get us set up with couples counseling..he’s not outright saying no but he’s definitely skeptical ) you’d think after being together for 8 years we’d figure it out by now, but I think it has gotten worse lol

He has always had a high drive, and I could take it or leave it. I’ve honestly wondered if I’m asexual or if my hormones are just jacked. Physical touch (aka just sex…never mind there are other ways to express love through touch) is his love language and mine is acts of service so he feels neglected when we don’t have sex a lot but I feel neglected when he does virtually nothing around the house (and therefore less willing to have sex). He always feels like I’m rejecting him but I’m always thinking of the to do list bc I don’t feel like he helps around the house, it has only gotten worse since we had the baby last year. (However I will note that in the last week he has really been making an effort to help me because I’ve been so damn tired and DD is currently in a mom only stage, so I guess I should put in effort too lol). We’ve also been having some communication issues which doesn’t help the whole situation because in his mind, if we have sex, we’re totally fine and I’m like uhhhh no. He has also said he thinks I think he’s gross or something and that’s why I’m never jumping all over him. I’ve tried to explain to him that I just don’t crave it the same way he does (while I’m already being TMI, I very rarely O so that doesn’t help my case) and it’s not because I don’t love him or anything like that. I also think TTC the first time zapped any desire I had for sex just for fun, ya know? It burnt me out because like I said, I’ve never needed/enjoyed/whatever sex and we had to do it so many times and it was concentrated. Then it was hard PP with the hormones and exhaustion. 

Also hi I’ve been here for like 10 days and am already over sharing. Sorry!

acleverusername

@And846 LOL at "I'm helping my baby". Yeah, SAME. My H is like "there's a Nobel laureate growing in there; let's give it every unfair advantage!"

@b_1029 Ooph that tough one. Does your H know about the love languages? I think that if he's somewhat on board, then couples therapy would be a really good idea. Cause every little "hurt" feelings will just feed "The Four Horseman of Apocalypse." It sounds like you'd benefit greatly from Emotional Focused Therapy. Good luck! 

And846

@b_1029 no such thing as oversharing. But it seems like you have a good understanding on the needs of each other and it is just a matter of working through a delivering on those end as well as finding a healthy balance. 

I've got another one for today....why does everyone need to run out and get their embryo/fetus on a Acadamy waitlist?  From last time, I knew that I needed to act quick and was lucky when I got my DD into a school when I was 15 wks. Knowing that the area has grown and there is demand I reached out to a few today (both for an infant room and transferring DD to the VPK program). Freaking July 2022 is how far some are booked thru. Based on my math, I would need baby to be starting August WK 1 of 2022. Then they inform me that DD would only be eligible for the VPK program after their preschool kids already enrolled have been offered. So, after that if there are any spots available it will be open to new family registration... So basically, I need to move my DD now this year. I was hoping to wait for her to finish PK3 at her current school and make a clean break and start fresh next year. 

Bababatty

@acleverusername I'm glad you purchased Expecting Better because while I was reading your post I was thinking, "He really needs to read Expecting Better."   

@b_1029 I agree with everyone else that it sounds like you at least have a really good handle on your and his needs, which is a big step in the right direction. I hope you're able to convince him about couples therapy; since you already have this base, it seems like it would definitely get you on the same page.

@And846 Uggghhhh I'm sorry about the daycare/VPK program sign up. The lack of quality childcare programs and therefore the competition to get into the good programs in this country is really, really frustrating. It's nice once you've managed to get your kid into a program and can stay in it, but so annoying trying to get them in at all. You've reminded me that there's a program right next to DD's school (hers starts at 1 year so we couldn't start there right away) that I need to contact for this baby. I've been dragging my feet, which is ridiculous to say when you're only 7 weeks pregnant, right?!

acleverusername

@And846 I mean... I didn't even know I needed to start thinking about this stuff! 🙀

And846

@acleverusername if i remember correctly on where you live, I’m pretty sure daycares are competitive as well there. It doesn’t hurt to start looking. 

b_1029

Daycare is insane. I thought I was on top of it with DD when I was searching halfway through the pregnancy. I’m hoping our current daycare will have a spot but I don’t want to tell them I’m pregnant yet. Idk why I’m so skeptical of this 😐

pajamstagrams

@acleverusername with DD we started looking at 10 weeks and some of the daycares by us already had a 1.5 year wait list. 😳 Or a wait list, for the wait list. And even if you do get a reasonable wait time, they don't guarantee spots until like a month before you start, so it's just stressful all around. 

@b_1029 I think daycares will prioritize sibling spots over new kids so at least you have that going for you. I'll probably tell them around 12 weeks this time, unless DD spills the beans first 😂 

jandawg

My friend used to run a daycare so I was always like, I'm totally covered. Then covid happened and she shut it down and I can't get a spot and now I work from home with a toddler running around 3 days a week. Not my ideal sitch! 

@acleverusername @And846 I love Emily Oster and Expecting Better. Also really enjoyed her other books (Cribshert for toddlers, The Family Firm for school aged kids) and I read her newsletter too.

wiscobabies

@b_1029 I just want to say, I could’ve written your post about you and your husband’s sex life word for word. It totally sucks, but I get it