Question Thread: Ask a STM+ Mom

[Deleted User]

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livingoffpbjs

Ok, so we are going from 1 child to 2, how bad is that transition? Im starting to freak out a bit. DD was a Velcro baby and as hard as she was as a baby at least she slept through the night, attached to me but still, I didn’t miss sleep. I’m so worried the next baby is going to be the norm and want to wake me up every couple hours. Also, childcare for two kids eeeeek. Getting myself ready, a toddler, a baby and then dropping toddler off and then baby off before work. I’m hoping I can work from home for two or three months at first. With DD I had one week off and then went back to work for half days for two weeks then full time. Talk me down people. 

kmw611

@livingoffpbjs I don’t remember the transition  from 1 to 2 being anything too crazy but I was a single mom with my first and was married with my second so maybe I just had help the second time and that masked the crazy. I am nervous about the transition to 3 because we’ll be outnumbered and I’ve heard that can be a hard jump. 

livingoffpbjs

@fuscok88 going from 1 dog to 2 dogs was a big difference, I can only imagine with kids. I think it will be worse because when we had DD my husband was a student and home most of the time so I actually had more help. Now he works 10 he days, four days a week and probably going back to school part time sooooooo we will see 

bloomer0060

@livingoffpbjs I don't have anything to help you, but just sharing I am in the same boat, going from 1 to 2, and it is stressing me out!! How old is your DD? My DS will be 2.5 so I'm worried he really won't understand why things are different. 

@fuscok88 I am hoping how you remember your experience is ours

livingoffpbjs

@axl0060 DD will be 4 when this baby comes, right now when I pick her up from daycare my friends daughter who is 1.5 runs up to me to hug me and my DD gets suuuuper jealous and tells her that I’m not her mom and they fight over me. Secretly I love it.

[Deleted User]

I had kind of the reverse situation where DH was super involved it felt like with the first, but with my second like - he could barely take a few days off work to just be with me at the hospital.  I was pretty much on my own with a NB and a toddler that whole first week home adjusting and it was a lot.  But I was overwhelmed with joy! Lol so.  I feel like my husband put unrealistic expectations on me tho, where *I knew* my main job was to sit and nurse and care for that little baby, and if DD hung out with us all day watching TV, that was totally fine.  But then he wanted dinner on the table when he got home, and all the normal housework... I doubt he remembers it how I do, but I apparently am still deeply angry and hurt by that.  Eventually, work slowed down again and he was home a little more, but I did get thrown into the deep end it felt like.  I don't have any other family around, and his mom went and broke her leg shortly after the second baby came.  So SIL was busy helping MIL that whole time and I was 100% on my own.  I had another family member on his side who offered to come up and help / visit on Fridays, but when it came down to it - she never came!  Not once!  But honestly, we were fine.  There was more arguing about the state of the house than I feel is really appropriate at the time when you are welcoming a new child, but we got through.  And those days are times I will cherish forever.  Even now that they are bigger and I WFH, I'm very lucky - even though I hate having my energy divided.  Anyway, sorry to ramble!  But @fuscok88 I have heard the adjustment from 1 to 2 is the biggest (I mean, after 0 to 1) and then going to 3+ is all easy peasy after that! Lol

And by biggest, I don't necessarily mean hardest.  DD was amazing with her baby sister, still is.  She loves her so much!  She wasn't old enough to "help" much but she tried! Lol she would bring her toys like, brand new baby home from the hospital, DD brought the baby her xylophone. 😍 The older they are, the more they can be involved.  DD never really gave kisses until the baby arrived.  She is just an amazing big sister, and I feel like it was meant to be for her to have siblings.  It's more an adjustment for mom when you can only help one at a time.  So I try to communicate with them, even when they are so little that you think they can't understand all the words you are saying. "I hear you baby, I'll be right with you.  Mommy's changing sister's diaper right now, but I'll come pick you up just as soon as I'm done." etc., Singing helps a lot.  They understand more than you might think, and just being acknowledged helps, I've heard, even if you can't necessarily drop what you are doing right at that moment.<div>
I don't know for sure if we will have moved by then, but I would like to be closer to Church friends when this baby arrives, so that may help.  Church meals!!! Those helped so much!  Just having easy to warm up food on the table for dinners.  I think if I can manage, I will do like a whole weekend of dinner freezer meal preps, since that was the biggest source of stress for me, having to feed my largest and most loud complaining member of the household.... 🙄 I will also have no problem HIRING MY OWN CLEANER to start coming closer to delivery, and keep coming at least a couple times after the baby arrives.  I'm not beat to deal with his complaining about that again. Lol 😬</div>

kmw611

@BusinessWife yikes! I’m sorry you had to deal with so much complaining last time! I’d definitely hire a cleaner. I did a month of freezer meals last time and it was soooo handy. I maybe over prepared just in case I had a second csection (which I did😢) because my recovery from the first was pretty awful. My husband also went back to work the day after we left the hospital but I had my parents in town and my brothers lived closer to our old house than they do now so I definitely had a lot of help making that transition seem not so bad maybe?

[Deleted User]

@fuscok88 You are lucky to have all that help!  My dad passed a while ago and my mom passed shortly after DD was born, so she never even got to meet her. :(  I did make some freezer stuff, but then our diet changed bc DH was on this elimination thing!  So like I had these awesome stuffed sweet potatoes and lots of london broil, I'm like that'll be so easy to just bake / broil those off and we are set.  ...until YH can't eat beef or dairy.   :neutral: lol So hopefully this time I can some up with a plan that is more like stuff we normally eat, rather than these special freezer meals that end up not working out for whatever reason.

alylove11

@BusinessWife I’m so sorry to hear about both of your parents passing. 😪


I feel like 1 to 2 was harder on me than having my 1st, but I do know it varies for everyone so much. 

angelz429

My age gap is big, 6.5 years. So my oldest was super helpful and a little more understanding with his baby sister. I honestly don’t know how we did car rides WITHOUT an older sibling to help keep the baby entertained or pass a bottle or whatever. 

However, it is a BIG transition. Mom guilt is present △⃒⃘lways anyway, but add in now you’re dividing your time between two humans who equally have your heart, but one has immediate needs and one has needs that may need to hold briefly? It’s tough. 

Now, I never had a toddler + infant, but one piece of advice I heard that I △⃒⃘lways thought sounded good was to make sure when you make the baby “wait their turn” you say it out loud. Obviously the baby doesn’t understand, but if the toddler is only hearing they have to wait and the baby never does (if they don’t know it) then it can add to resentment. 

makingbacon

@angelz429 I 100% agree with making baby “wait their turn.” It has helped to do that with my 2 boys. Another thing that has helped is making consequences the “same.” So if DS2 hits DS1 fir example, DS2 “loses” his (non-existent) iPad. It has saved us from a lot of DS1 meltdowns.