Hey everyone! I just wanted to start this discussion topic because I have been having a hard time with worrying about little babe.
*TW*
My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and it took me a long time to feel happy again afterwards. When I was pregnant the second time with my son, I was pretty much in denial and didn't announce until after 20 weeks. I feel like I blocked out my first trimester with him because I don't remember being this anxious but DH says I was.
My sister had a missed miscarriage last year at 8 weeks and I feel like I'm bring triggered by that trauma for this pregnancy.
I journal and say positive pregnancy affirmations but those negative thoughts creep back in. Anyone have any other suggestions for taking things day by day? How is everyone else doing emotionally?
Re: PGAL *TW
trigger warning-
i had a chemical last summer with my first FET trying for baby 2. And I always had a twin that stopped growing at 7 weeks during my last pregnancy. I feel like I won’t stop be terrified until baby is here either. But this is likely my last pregnancy so also trying to not focus all on the anxiety and enjoy little bits here ans there
Diagnosis: Mild Endo, DOR (AMH of 1.5), Poor Quality Eggs/embryos, Displaced Window of Implantation (ERA Post Receptive)
March-May 2016: 1 TI and 2 IUIs- BFN
June 2016- Laproscopy- found/removed mild endo and confirmed only 1 normal healthy ovary.
August 2016- IVF #1 with Antagonist Protocol- Cancelled (2 lead follies), converted to IUI- BFN
Oct-Nov 2016- IVF #2 with Estrogen Priming Micro Lupron Protocol, 2 eggs retrieved, day 3 transfer of 1- BFN
January 2017- New RE, IVF#3 with Estrogen Priming Antagonist Protocol, 12 eggs, 8 mature, 6 fertilized, 2 day 5 early blasts transferred (none to freeze ), BFN
May 2017- Sept 2017- Starting Donor Egg process! Waiting for donor to be available... and then she is pregnant at baseline
Oct 2017- Donor #2: 25R, 22M,18F, 12 blasts frozen! Fresh transfer cancelled due to thin lining with fluid
Nov 2017- Hysterscopy to remove polyp
Dec 2017- DE FET #1 on 12/8 on 2 perfect blasts- BFN and devastated
Jan-Mar 2018- ERA #1- Post receptive by 24 hours, ERA #2 RECEPTIVE with 4 days of Progesterone
Apr 2018- DE FET cancelled for lining issues
Jun 2018- DE FET #2 of two 1AA blasts- first BFP ever! Beta 10dp5dt- 378, Beta 14dp5dt- 2840, Beta 16dp5dt- 4035, beta 18dp5dt- 10916. Due on 2/20 with one baby after a vanishing twin
Baby Born born early @ 33.5 weeks due to Pre-e
Back for # 2!
I remember that "carefree" feeling -- I had it when I got my first BFP. I was just so happy and feeling like it was finally my time (this was my first ever BFP after 4 years TTC - and it was spontaneous to boot). I told everyone; I was so excited.
Then I found out at my first scan that baby was measuring small (6 weeks instead of 8 weeks) and had no heartbeat. I was just so devastated and upset - and scared that I would never have a baby. When I got my next BFP after my first embryo transfer, I was just waiting for that awful appointment with no heartbeat to repeat itself. Each scan or use of the home doppler reassured me for a few hours but then I was back to my normal anxiety and worry. To make matters worse, in my pregnancy with DD, I spotted for the entire first tri AND had a vanishing twin (a second embryo that implanted, had a heartbeat, and then stopped developing).
This will likely be my final pregnancy - and even though I'm still terrified, for however long I'm pregnant, I want to be happy. I was robbed of that by anxiety in my pregnancy with my daughter and I'm trying my best to reclaim it.
Summer 2015 - no BFP yet, labs normal, referred to RE
Fall 2015 - Summer 2016 - Further testing all normal. 3 IUI's -- BFN. Recommended move to IVF. Planned cycle for fall 2016.
September 2016 - Surprise natural BFP. MMC @ 8 weeks. RE expressed confidence that we just needed the 'right' embryo.
Fall 2016 - Spring 2017 -- Break from TTC
June 2017 - Started IVF; egg retrieval for freeze all cycle. 9 mature eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. 2 4BB embies on ice.
August 2017 - FET transfer both embies. BFP. Twin pregnancy confirmed by ultrasound. EDD 4/28/18
September 2017 - Twin B stopped developing; Twin A doing perfectly! Graduated from RE @ 10 weeks
March 2018 - Baby Girl born via C/S due to pre-eclampsia -- strong and healthy!
TTC #2
January/Feb 2021 - Freeze-all IVF cycle
March 2021 - FET of 1 PGS normal female embryo. BFP! Beta #1 156, #2 472, #3 1241, #4 5268 EDD 12/5/21 - Christmas baby!
"When all is lost then all is found."
I am sorry you have to be in this thread but happy that you are expecting again! I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks and my next with my daughter was so incredibly difficult because I kept waiting for that shoe to drop, that appointment where they would tell me 'no more heartbeat'. I also lost her twin at 8 weeks along so alot of complicated feelings (being happy that one baby was fine; feeling guilty for being happy, etc). I didn't feel safe until I had my daughter in my arms either. The relief I felt when I held her for the first time was so amazing. I hadn't felt that good in years since we started TTC. So I am hopeful you will have the same experience
Summer 2015 - no BFP yet, labs normal, referred to RE
Fall 2015 - Summer 2016 - Further testing all normal. 3 IUI's -- BFN. Recommended move to IVF. Planned cycle for fall 2016.
September 2016 - Surprise natural BFP. MMC @ 8 weeks. RE expressed confidence that we just needed the 'right' embryo.
Fall 2016 - Spring 2017 -- Break from TTC
June 2017 - Started IVF; egg retrieval for freeze all cycle. 9 mature eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. 2 4BB embies on ice.
August 2017 - FET transfer both embies. BFP. Twin pregnancy confirmed by ultrasound. EDD 4/28/18
September 2017 - Twin B stopped developing; Twin A doing perfectly! Graduated from RE @ 10 weeks
March 2018 - Baby Girl born via C/S due to pre-eclampsia -- strong and healthy!
TTC #2
January/Feb 2021 - Freeze-all IVF cycle
March 2021 - FET of 1 PGS normal female embryo. BFP! Beta #1 156, #2 472, #3 1241, #4 5268 EDD 12/5/21 - Christmas baby!
"When all is lost then all is found."
Theres way more to the story I won't get into. Very traumatic.
All I hope for everyone is sticky healthy babies!
***edited because I forgot to add something****
General TW ahead @bkjade - my first loss was physically (and emotionally) traumatic as well. I was 8 weeks. With our second loss we knew between 6-7 weeks that baby wasn't "normal" based on u/s and low heart rate but it took until after 9.5 weeks for the heartbeat to go away. It was absolutely miserable how long it drug out. The d&c was much less physically and emotionally traumatic for me than my first loss without a d&c. My third loss in January was considered a chemical pregnancy (betas never got above 150, but again, it took until 9 weeks for my body to realize that and to have the miscarriage). I'm so incredibly jealous of people like my SIL who is pregnant who get to experience it all completely naive to loss. Not that I'd wish it on anyone, I just wish I was part of that group too. I'm hoping the trend of loss, baby, loss, baby continues for us giving us our rainbow baby in December.
Dx: PCOS
DS1 born 11/2014
DS2 born 11/2018
3 previous losses
Rainbow baby due 12/2021 - Team Green
I hate how loss has changed the landscape for us -- I can still remember the joy and excitement I felt that first time I got a BFP. It was finally my turn! I could imagine myself with a baby and what we would be doing next year at that time. I found out just around Halloween and I remember thinking about what costumes we would wear the next year when the baby was just a few months old. I never thought that I would m/c. After all, I had waited 4 years + multiple fertility treatments for this BFP -- life couldn't be so cruel, right? -sigh-
And I think I mentioned it in another post, but my anxiety is somewhat different than how it was with DD -- like the stakes feel higher? I know what it feels like to have your baby in your arms and that little smiling face to wake up to every day. Or like my DD, wake up to her shouting across the house "I HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP!"
Summer 2015 - no BFP yet, labs normal, referred to RE
Fall 2015 - Summer 2016 - Further testing all normal. 3 IUI's -- BFN. Recommended move to IVF. Planned cycle for fall 2016.
September 2016 - Surprise natural BFP. MMC @ 8 weeks. RE expressed confidence that we just needed the 'right' embryo.
Fall 2016 - Spring 2017 -- Break from TTC
June 2017 - Started IVF; egg retrieval for freeze all cycle. 9 mature eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. 2 4BB embies on ice.
August 2017 - FET transfer both embies. BFP. Twin pregnancy confirmed by ultrasound. EDD 4/28/18
September 2017 - Twin B stopped developing; Twin A doing perfectly! Graduated from RE @ 10 weeks
March 2018 - Baby Girl born via C/S due to pre-eclampsia -- strong and healthy!
TTC #2
January/Feb 2021 - Freeze-all IVF cycle
March 2021 - FET of 1 PGS normal female embryo. BFP! Beta #1 156, #2 472, #3 1241, #4 5268 EDD 12/5/21 - Christmas baby!
"When all is lost then all is found."