PGAL *TW

kaitcrystalline

Hey everyone! I just wanted to start this discussion topic because I have been having a hard time with worrying about little babe. 

*TW*
My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and it took me a long time to feel happy again afterwards. When I was pregnant the second time with my son, I was pretty much in denial and didn't announce until after 20 weeks. I feel like I blocked out my first trimester with him because I don't remember being this anxious but DH says I was. 

My sister had a missed miscarriage last year at 8 weeks and I feel like I'm bring triggered by that trauma for this pregnancy. 

I journal and say positive pregnancy affirmations but those negative thoughts creep back in. Anyone have any other suggestions for taking things day by day? How is everyone else doing emotionally? 

srprins1987

I think it is totally normal to worry. We are moms all we do it worry!!! I had two successful pregnancies with my children and then while I had my IUD and trying wasn’t on our radar I got pregnant but didn’t realize it until I miscarried. Apparently I would have been about 7 weeks. It was such a surreal experience because I was sad but also in shock because I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I didn’t think that would affect me much since I didn’t know but now that I am pregnant again all I can do is worry that this baby that I planned for won’t stick. I think you are doing great with the journaling and positive affirmations and just keep confiding in your DH so you have that support system. All of our hopes are so high right now it is difficult not to worry!!! This online community is a great support system too in case you are not ready to tell the rest of your family yet! 

rgn12

@kaitcrystalline you’re definitely not alone! I recently had a loss in December at five weeks. I only knew I was pregnant for ten days, but it was still super difficult. We had told close family. I’m 5w5d today, and we still haven’t told anyone. We’re planning to wait until after our first appt/ultrasound after 8 weeks to tell close family, and definitely second trimester (or later) to publicly share. I just can’t go through that again right now, and want to have the option to give myself some time and space if it does happen again. I’ve been pretty anxious myself, and find it hard to get excited until I know that things are okay. I saw someone else post that they keep reminding themselves “I am pregnant today,” and just taking things day by day. That’s been helping me. 

PGAL definitely messes with you though... I had my DD July 2019 and I was so carefree during that time. We actually publicly announced on social media at 12 weeks, and I just can’t even fathom that right now. It’s crazy how a loss changes your perspective on things. I hope we all have healthy and UNEVENTFUL pregnancies this time around. ❤️

kaitcrystalline

@rgn12 @srprins1987 Thanks ladies. It's nice to hear I'm not the only one with those worries. Like you said its perfectly normal considering what we have been through. Until I have my baby in my arms I don't think I'll be 100% calm but I'm working on it and trying to enjoy this pregnancy more.

JamieH2000

I’m sad to see there are so many of us on here already, but hopefully can help each other get through these nerve racking first weeks!!

trigger warning-
i had a chemical last summer with my first FET trying for baby 2. And I always had a twin that stopped growing at 7 weeks during my last pregnancy. I feel like I won’t stop be terrified until baby is here either. But this is likely my last pregnancy so also trying to not focus all on the anxiety and enjoy little bits here ans there 

rgn12

@JamieH2000 yes, at least we can support each other during this anxious time! ❤️

mbradfo2

@rgn12
I remember that "carefree" feeling -- I had it when I got my first BFP. I was just so happy and feeling like it was finally my time (this was my first ever BFP after 4 years TTC - and it was spontaneous to boot). I told everyone; I was so excited.

Then I found out at my first scan that baby was measuring small (6 weeks instead of 8 weeks) and had no heartbeat. I was just so devastated and upset - and scared that I would never have a baby. When I got my next BFP after my first embryo transfer, I was just waiting for that awful appointment with no heartbeat to repeat itself. Each scan or use of the home doppler reassured me for a few hours but then I was back to my normal anxiety and worry. To make matters worse, in my pregnancy with DD, I spotted for the entire first tri AND had a vanishing twin (a second embryo that implanted, had a heartbeat, and then stopped developing). 

This will likely be my final pregnancy - and even though I'm still terrified, for however long I'm pregnant, I want to be happy. I was robbed of that by anxiety in my pregnancy with my daughter and I'm trying my best to reclaim it.

kaitcrystalline

@mbradfo2 I totally can relate to being reassured for a couple of hours and then back to anxiety. Was having the doppler more helpful then you thought?

sparebitofparchment

I am struggling too. TW I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks in November. Her due date would have been next month. I’m so so so excited to be pregnant again, but I’m terrified of another loss. And I don’t think it’ll ever feel “safe” until I actually have a healthy baby in my arms 

mbradfo2

@sparebitofparchment
I am sorry you have to be in this thread but happy that you are expecting again! I lost my first pregnancy at 8 weeks and my next with my daughter was so incredibly difficult because I kept waiting for that shoe to drop, that appointment where they would tell me 'no more heartbeat'. I also lost her twin at 8 weeks along so alot of complicated feelings (being happy that one baby was fine; feeling guilty for being happy, etc). I didn't feel safe until I had my daughter in my arms either. The relief I felt when I held her for the first time was so amazing. I hadn't felt that good in years since we started TTC. So I am hopeful you will have the same experience

sparebitofparchment

@mbradfo2 I am so sorry for your losses, but thank you for the encouragement!! 

ottergirl81

I feel the same as everyone here. My mind may be a bit more at ease after my first scan, but until my baby is safely born and at home in my arms, I will still be a nervous wreck. Last year ***TW**** at my 12 week scan I was told baby had stopped growing at 11 weeks and had died. I didn't know how to feel at that moment except be in complete disbelief. 
Theres way more to the story I won't get into. Very traumatic. 

All I hope for everyone is sticky healthy babies! 

***edited because I forgot to add something****

kaitcrystalline

@ottergirl81 Im so sorry you had to go through that. It's totally normal to feel nervous. I hope your next scan puts your mind at ease a bit. I just had my dating scan and it helped a lot. 

bkjade

Sending  to all of my other PGAL mamas here. I've been lurking for awhile since my last two pregnancies were an MC and a MMC. Feeling a lot of that anxiety and trying to remain hopeful and find some excitement but it is so difficult to find joy with the fear of having to go through all of the sh*t again. Emotionally, physically, mentally. . .  I was really shocked at how physically traumatic going through losses were for me and I think honestly most of my fears are related to that. Anyhow, I'm glad we can be here together and I'm sending sticky vibes out into the world for all of us.  

mockingjay1

I hate that so many of us have had to go through a loss.
General TW ahead @bkjade - my first loss was physically (and emotionally) traumatic as well. I was 8 weeks. With our second loss we knew between 6-7 weeks that baby wasn't "normal" based on u/s and low heart rate but it took until after 9.5 weeks for the heartbeat to go away. It was absolutely miserable how long it drug out. The d&c was much less physically and emotionally traumatic for me than my first loss without a d&c. My third loss in January was considered a chemical pregnancy (betas never got above 150, but again, it took until 9 weeks for my body to realize that and to have the miscarriage). I'm so incredibly jealous of people like my SIL who is pregnant who get to experience it all completely naive to loss. Not that I'd wish it on anyone, I just wish I was part of that group too. I'm hoping the trend of loss, baby, loss, baby continues for us giving us our rainbow baby in December. 

ottergirl81

@mockingjay1 Just aweful what you have been through. Hurt my heart reading your story. I wish I was part of the naive to loss group too. I was part of that group with my first thinking nothing could go wrong. Lots went wrong. Lots can go wrong. PGAL brain is so real and it really sucks! I could rant about it all day. My DH could too. I do hope and pray you will get your rainbow baby this December. I hope and pray for everyone here to have rainbow babies! Rainbow babies for xmas and/or the New Year🌈

mbradfo2

@bkjade
I hate how loss has changed the landscape for us -- I can still remember the joy and excitement I felt that first time I got a BFP. It was finally my turn! I could imagine myself with a baby and what we would be doing next year at that time. I found out just around Halloween and I remember thinking about what costumes we would wear the next year when the baby was just a few months old. I never thought that I would m/c. After all, I had waited 4 years +  multiple fertility treatments for this BFP -- life couldn't be so cruel, right?  -sigh-

And I think I mentioned it in another post, but my anxiety is somewhat different than how it was with DD -- like the stakes feel higher? I know what it feels like to have your baby in your arms and that little smiling face to wake up to every day. Or like my DD, wake up to her shouting across the house "I HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP!"