Am I a bad sister...? (TW - loss)

herekatiekatie

For the past 7 months, my husband and I have been nailing down our TTC plan and doing prep work (making sure finances are in place, taking vitamins, tracking ovulation, etc.) with the goal of starting our TTC journey at the start of 2021. Part of the reason for the months of work is about 3 years ago we were trying and after months of struggling, my OBGYN found that I have the "string of pearls" on my left ovary - sign of PCOS. Unfortunately we had to stop TTC shortly after that because life got messy with job losses and we are finally in a good place.
Anyway... with the hopes of starting to try to expand our family in January, I received news that my little sister was 5 weeks pregnant on the day I was supposed to start my period. The news was definitely bittersweet (so happy for her but a little crushed, especially after my mom pointed out that her and her husband weren't even trying). So I already felt a little weird trying in February (missed my period in January because of emotions) and it looking like I was doing it after her (although our families know we've been planning on trying this year).
Last week, my mom told me that my little sister was spotting and cramping. After blood work and more ultrasounds, they sent my sister home in active miscarriage... so now my sister (and the family honestly) is grieving this loss.
With her miscarriage, I'm having a hard time reconciling my feelings: am I a bad sister to move forward with my trying to conceive?
One side of me feels like I should put it off to let her be more ok just on the very very slim chance I get pregnant in the first month or two of trying. But the other side feels like I shouldn't have to put it off because I'm already 30, have PCOS, irregular ovulations, and have a history of struggling so putting it off is doing a disservice to myself to not follow my plan. I do plan on talking to my sister about this but I just need to short out my feelings first...

hithertorue

@herekatiekatie I don't think you a bad sister if you continue to try. Just like you wouldn't think she is a bad sister if she was trying to get pregnant if you were struggling to conceive. 

We are all on our own journeys. The saying "we're all in the same storm, just in different boats".

You will find that this TTC life can become all consuming and very hard to rationalize feelings with friends and families and hearing their stories. That is all normal. Important thing is to know when you need to just step back and take care of you... you can't be supportive to her if you're not taking care of yourself first. 

There are no easy ways to handle the things she is going through or you are going through. Just know all that you are feeling is normal. And you have people around, like here, that you can lean on if you need to, to vent, to talk things out with, to learn from, to share with.

Wishing you all the luck on your journey. 

dutchessmom

Hello, I don't think you're a bad sister for ttc. Like you said, your journey is different, your struggles are different, and finally in the end everyone walks this fertility path alone... 

I would say start trying again, and worry about how to deal with how to break the news to your family when you come at that point. There is no reason to stress or feel guilt at this point, you already have a lot in your mind. 

I wish you luck, and I am sorry for your family's loss.