Pregnant after IF

Are you excited?

Hi all, 
DH and I have been trying for 5 years. We are pregnant now, and I did smile when I got the BFP. I was so dreading another BFN, having to kill my hope. So it was a relief, but now I'm about 5 weeks along and I haven't been feeling happy or excited at all. I know I'm pregnant, it's really happening, but I just feel totally calm and neutral. Like it's no big deal. DH feels exactly the same way.

After 5 horrible years of IF, a sort of numbness sets in, to survive, and apparently you can't just turn it off. 

I dont think other people realize how hard IF is. Let me put it this way: if someone beats you within an inch of your life, and then they stop beating you,  you're not going to be like, "yay!!" Just dazed and traumatized.

Can anyone relate? Will we regain the ability to feel joy?

Re: Are you excited?

  • For me, it was a 6 year journey from starting ttc to the birth of my little girl. By that point, I had been disappointed and heartbroken so many times that I began to expect it and I spent most of my pregnancy waiting for the other shoe to drop because -how- could something -good- actually happen for me? Everyone is a little different but this forum exists because IF changes how we experience pregnancy. For most, it's not a 'glowing' time of excitement but a time of alot of anxiety, fear and nervous anticipation.  I felt like everything was surreal and it was hard to grasp that it was actually happening. I remember putting away my baby shower gifts at 32 weeks and thinking, 'wow, these people actually think I'm going to have a baby'. 

    The birth of my daughter was, however, the happiest and most joyful time in my entire life. All the weight of the years of IF and worrying seemed to just disappear and was replaced with an amazing, intense love for this little person.  As I described it to my OB, it was like night turned to day when she was born. I can't promise that will happen for everyone, but it was my experience and I hope you have a similar one.
    ~~ Our Story in Spoiler! TW loss/child~~
    Fall 2012 -- started TTC
    Summer 2015 - no BFP yet, labs normal, referred to RE
    Fall 2015 - Summer 2016 - Further testing all normal. 3 IUI's -- BFN. Recommended move to IVF. Planned cycle for fall 2016.
    September 2016 - Surprise natural BFP. MMC @ 8 weeks. RE expressed confidence that we just needed the 'right' embryo.
    Fall 2016 - Spring 2017 -- Break from TTC
    June 2017 - Started IVF; egg retrieval for freeze all cycle. 9 mature eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. 2 4BB embies on ice.
    August 2017 - FET transfer both embies. BFP.  Twin pregnancy confirmed by ultrasound. EDD 4/28/18
    September 2017 - Twin B stopped developing; Twin A doing perfectly! Graduated from RE @ 10 weeks
    March 2018 - Baby Girl born via C/S due to pre-eclampsia -- strong and healthy!

    TTC #2
    January/Feb 2021 - Freeze-all IVF cycle 
    March 2021 - FET of 1 PGS normal female embryo. BFP! Beta #1 156,  #2 472, #3 1241, #4 5268 EDD 12/5/21 - Christmas baby!

    "When all is lost then all is found."

    wildrainbow[Deleted User]lizalovespasha31magnolia
  • The first few months of pregnancy were tough with anxiety and worry. All throughout my first pregnancy I kept pinching myself thinking “is this really happening” and it wasn’t until she was born that I finally relaxed a little bit. Someone told me, just take it day by day and remind yourself that today, you are pregnant. 
    [Deleted User]wildrainbowlizalovespasha
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  • (((thank you.))) It's so nice to know that other people feel the same way and I'll get through it as you did. It's a shame we couldn't have that ecstatic moment when I tell him and he's all overjoyed. But I hope as the baby grows, so will our belief in our future.
    [Deleted User]wildrainbow31magnolia
  • Hi,
    It has been almost two years since someone posted on this thread but I have the urge to write something because I feel exactly in the same way right now.
    I got my first positive blood hcg result this Friday. I had two ICSIs with 6 embryo transfers before. Nothing sticked, not even remotely... I wanted to try IUI once before proceeding to 3rd round of ICSI. Doctor told me it is waste of money but we did it anyways and now I am pregnant. I am shocked, my DH is shocked, doctor is shocked, the whole clinic is shocked...
    I am at the week 4 and except a little low estrogen, everything looks hopeful but I cannot allow myself to be happy somehow. I have another hcg test tomorrow and first scan to see the sac on Friday. I am so scared that I do 3 different urine test at home every day to see if the line is still there.
    Yesterday my childhood friend called me to announce that she is 5 months pregnant. I live abroad and she doesn't know about our infertility journey. I have been faking happy faces for years when someone announced their pregnancy. Finally I was very genuine with my happy reaction knowing that I am also pregnant but couldn't dare to share with her anyways.
    I am so scared of Monday's blood test, I am so scared of Friday's scan. I think I will be scared until I give birth and doctors will put our baby in my arms. I am beyond grateful that I am finally pregnant but one part of me still says I wish I haven't been through infertility so I could enjoy these moments like normal people...
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