UO Thursday

hannahbananas11

What opinions do you need to get off your chest? 

hannahbananas11

My UO: I think the term “natural birth” is some value judgement bullshit. It’s implying that any birth with any type of intervention is “unnatural”, which in today’s society definitely carries a negative connotation. Call it “unmedicated” or whatever specific thing it actually was (“vaginal birth”, “home birth”, “precipitous car birth”, “birth in the middle of the woods with animal friends attending” or whatever) because using that type of language doesn’t imply anything negative about other birth experiences, and the last thing new parents need is to feel like the huge amount of work that they went through to bring a child safely into the world through whatever means necessary was somehow not good enough.

tamalahoops

@hannahbananas11 yesssss. Also I have no shame about having an "unnatural" birth. A person is about to come out of me; give me all the drugs.

My UO is that I don't care about the decisions other people are making or have made in regards to their pregnancy. Oh you ate sushi and drank wine through your entire pregnancy? Sounds delish. You're eating lunchmeat by the fistful? You do you boo. But please spare me the judgement. I swear every time I say I'm craving something my doctor has recommended I avoid someone will chime in and insist I can have it. Then they laugh at my overzealous caution because I'm a first time mom and being too careful. Duh Stacey, it took me 5 very long and expensive years to get and stay pregnant. I will not be risking it for some spicy tuna. 

hannahbananas11

@tamalahoops Yeah, it's all an individual's own risk tolerance, and no one should ever shame anyone for that (pregnancy and non-pregnancy related). I've got a low risk tolerance for some things (like covid and flu while pregnant and with a newborn), but a high risk tolerance for other things (like caffeine in pregnancy). But that's the thing: those are my risk tolerances, not anyone else's. I expect no one to shame me for social distancing right now, and no one to shame me for my morning iced tea. Someone else might cut out all caffeine, but be really comfortable flying on an airplane right now during the pandemic. And who am I to shame them for cutting out their coffee or buying that flight to see family? As long as people understand the risk, and it's not wildly risky (like doing intravenous drugs or something), it's their own personal thing whether or not they are comfortable taking that risk.

I aimed for an unmedicated birth because I wanted to eat and move around during labor, and was luckily able to have that thanks to my DS being in a very good birthing position. But having the birth you hope for is mostly luck and only a small part preparation. You come up with a birth plan and then the universe is like "Ha! Hold my beer." Every single way of laboring has upsides and downsides. Just like the risk comfort levels, it's all up to personal preference, and no one should feel outside pressure (except from their doctor, when appropriate) to choose one way or another. No one is going through it except for the laboring person, and so they need to be empowered beforehand to know what they want to aim for and then later on, in labor, what they need without relying on the opinions of other people to direct them.
Sorry for my long post. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. 

kkfishy9

@hannahbananas11 @tamalahoops I love both of these unpopular opinions, maybe not the point of an unpopular opinion, but meh. 

I never really thought of what the connotation was around people referring to a "natural" birth, but now that you mention it, it is kind of annoying. I'll be honest, I'm scared to go through labor, excited, but scared! The thought of having a drug of some sort, and doctors around me, in a hospital, gives me comfort. I totally respect everyone's decisions, but I sure hope people don't judge me for placing some trust in modern medicine to help alleviate some of my fears.

As for the second, why is it that everyone is SO focused on what I am eating these days? In addition to nit picking the actual things I eat, it's how much of it I eat. We were with my mother in law a couple of weeks ago and she was constantly telling I needed to eat more...like, no I don't, I'm not hungry for more! She's not the first person to do that either. Not to mention her judgement about the fact that I didn't want to eat lunch meat. Of COURSE she ate it when she was pregnant and everything was fine, but for me, I don't even really like it, so why take a risk for something that isn't even that great of a reward? I'd rather take the risk on caffeine or sushi from a reputable place (I have yet to eat sushi, but boy do I want to) and get a little bit more bang for my buck!

tamalahoops

@kkfishy9 big yes to the MIL! Mine insisted I could have lunchmeat but then argued to the point of shouting that I couldn't have oysters. 

hannahbananas11

@kkfishy9 and @tamalahoops I'm lucky that my MIL is awesome and doesn't do shit like that. But I've noticed that it's often women who are not currently pregnant or recently pregnant who always have all sorts of opinions on what's best for a pregnant person. Kinda like the people who don't have kids who dole out the judgement on screen time and kids crying in restaurants and other things that they're not entitled to have any say about. Big eye roll to all of them from me.

@kkfishy9 I'm terrified of recovery. My labor was a dream, but the recovery was hell. I had a fourth degree tear that added all kinds of issues for months after. I hope I can avoid that this time.

moguippy

@hannahbananas11 yes! Omg yes! What even is a “natural birth”?  Like im assuming in the woods with the creatures like you said. Use the term “vaginal” or “unmedicated” or both or whatever else. My SIL made sure everyone was aware that she had a “natural” birth, while she was well aware that I had an epidural and other SIL had an epidural and ended up with a c-section and it just came off very “mine was better than yours”.  My friend had 2 kids before I was even pregnant with DS and she gave me this advice. She said something along the lines of “sure I could have an unmedicated birth and be so exhausted once the baby gets here, or I could get an epidural, rest, and enjoy my birth experience.  There’s no prize for not taking the drugs”. It really resonated with me. That’s not to say people who choose to go unmedicated are doing it for the glory. If that’s something that’s important to them then that’s great and I wish them a very quick delivery and all the best. There are tons of reasons to go unmedicated but none of them personally outweighed the fact that I felt like I was gonna die when I was in labor. Gimme the epidural 😂

WildMagelet

Ugh, natural birth. Modern medicine is a beautiful thing - give me all the pain meds, lol.

Re; risk tolerances - I'm giving myself a bit of a side eye atm because DH and I are super wary about the holidays and/or baby-shower, but are still considering a babymoon for the time coming up he had to schedule off a year in advance. Although, one of them is multiple up-close-and-personal in your face get togethers and the other is purposefully distancing ourselves from literally everyone once we get to the destination, which has like 1/4 of our daily cases per day of COVID compared to the state we live in.

I feel you on the food choice/quantity judgment. For real, we know when we're hungry and can totally handle it from here like adults. I've still avoided lunchmeat/sausages unless cooked, but that's my choice, others don't have to. I don't eat a lot of those foods to begin with. I get some vocal judgment at work over my occasional sushi night (once every couple of months), but I eat cooked sushi and I'm careful about portion sizes and types of fish so the haters can hate.

hannahbananas11

@WildMagelet Fish is one of the healthiest proteins, and if it’s cooked and low mercury I see absolutely zero risk, so those people are dumb and can put a sock in it. Big eye roll to them from me.

PinkKathryn12

In regards to the natural birth comments, I am frustrated by this also but in a slightly different way. I had an inducation a week after my due date, a two day labor, and pushed for 4 hours and ended up with a c -section with my last pregnancy. I'm fine and not scarred or anything from it, but i OFTEN get comments like "oh you're not gonna try for a vbac" etc when they hear I will be scheduling a c-section again. My answer (and truth) is always, my dr won't allow me to have a vbac based on my history and risk. But I'm like, why do you care? It isn't the easy way out or the hard way out. THE BABY JUST NEEDS OUT SAFELY! Both ways have risks, benefits, and things that suck in recovery. The person who is the worst about these comments who is a friend who had a baby 3 weeks before me and her water broke, she went in, was in labor for like 3 hours, pushed for 20 min and got a baby. Sorry lady, but just cuz you think it's a better option doesn't make it a better option for me. 


I am all about lunch meat lately. With my GD diagnosis, it is the easiest way for me to get protein in. I do make sure to microwave it before hand (which is fine cuz I prefer cheese melted anyway with it). I take warnings against food with a grain of salt. But honestly, my dr hasn't been super restrictive about anything either, just like to say warm it up or don't eat too much of this etc. 

hannahbananas11

@PinkKathryn12 Sometimes I think people use labor/delivery as a way to validate themselves as a person. Does that make sense? Like, they don't feel totally confident in their abilities as a parent or self-worth as a person, so they look at labor/delivery as a way to prove their worth/abilities as a parent to themselves and others, and see anything that's not a fully natural non-hospital birth as a failure. I think some people are like that with breastfeeding, too. It gets twisted into some kind of badge of "good mom" or something that women lord over other women who for whatever reason couldn't or chose not to breastfeed or stopped breastfeeding after x number of days/months. I wish I could post to every comment like that on Facebook threads: ----Your worth as a mom/woman has nothing to do with the way that you conceive, birth or feed your child.-----

PinkKathryn12

@hanahbananas11 SO true! I think you are right. 
the random things that I never expected to get judgement about were so crazy after having my son.
I've learned to just say nothing or move on, but it is definitly hard sometimes. 

mdfarmchick

@hannahbananas11 it is all of parenting. How you birth. How you feed your child—breast, formula, organic, baby-led weaning—what school you send them to, if you are a working mom or you stay home, what activities  you put them in... all of it. It’s a constant comparison game to give someone’s choices validation. 😑 I wish we could all just be supportive and happy for each other since momming is hard enough before you start comparing yourself to someone else. 

moguippy

Exactly what @mdfarmchick said. People will judge and offer their “advice” on every aspect of birth/parenting. The absolute BEST parenting advice I ever got was “when someone tries to give you their advice, smile, nod, and then do whatever the hell you think is best for you and your kid”. 

jumpy57

Towards the end of my first pregnancy I got so much unsolicited delivery advice from like 40-50 year old men 🙄😒 like I can understand women sharing their experiences but... you've literally never birthed a baby wtf are you talking about

My good friend received so much parenting pressure from her mom and MIL and kept asking my advice and didn't have a great sleeper. I told her, all kids are different and what worked for me might not work for you. My advice is to figure out what works and ignore what people are trying to get you to do 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also read the book Precious Little Sleep

jumpy57

UO I hate giving/getting kisses on the lips from kids. Even my own kids. 

hannahbananas11

@jumpy57 Omg yes. And all toddlers seem to give sloppy open-mouthed kisses full of drool. The first time DS gave me an open-mouthed kiss straight on my lips, I thought it was cute. The 864th time isn’t nearly as charming. 🤣