Introducing myself (loss mentioned)

LHinkle1990

Hello, I have been TTC via IUI and IVF since November of 2018. After 6 IUI and 1 IVF due to male factor infertility. I am taking a mental/physical break and will try what will likely be our last round of IVF in June or July of 2021. I’ve had one BFP and a loss at 7 weeks. 

The process has made me very bitter and I hate that. I have good friends who have been through fertility treatments but have a child or two now and I can’t even bring myself to look at pictures. I have deleted my social media almost entirely. 

I also work in child care. I am a preschool teacher but was placed in an infant room until a preschool position opened up at my current job and it was so strange to love these children and be hurt by loving them at the same time. 

I feel so alone sometimes. My DH is amazing but gets so sad when I tell him that I am sad and then I get more sad, so instead I just don’t talk about how I am doing emotionally. 

After my first IVF resulted in 15 eggs, 11 mature, 5 fertilized, and 0 making blast, I thought I could never do it again. But I have decided to give myself time to heal mentally and now I struggle with this limbo of being prepared to do it again and knowing that I need to wait a little longer and just wanting to know whether having children is in my future or if I should prepare to live my life differently and without children of my own. 

MooDaly

Welcome and I'm sorry that you find yourself here and for your loss.

It's ok to be sad. It's hard to want something so desperately and have so much uncertainty of it's going to happen. Just know, the women on this board hear you and see you.

When I started on the IVF road after TTC for 5 years, one thing the my clinic recommended was looking into their counseling options. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk to someone who doesn't know you personally. I've also got a lot of comfort from the coping exercises they have you do (like journaling!).

I'm glad you are taking a break to let yourself heal after 6 cycles of IUI, IVF, and your loss. Time to grieve and heal is a really wonderful gift to yourself.

I wish you the best and an easy healing/recovery phase.