Pregnant and grandparents are divorced and do not get along

catieliz

Hello there,

My husband and I are expecting our first child and we could not be more excited.  One thing that has me anxious is that my parents are divorced and do not get along. They use to get along well and were friendly during the time my husband I got married.  However, something happened and to protect myself, I told my parents and family I don't want to know about any of it.  One of my aunts on my dad's side had the nerve to tell my mother she is no longer welcome on my dad's side of the family.  I'm finishing about to start my second trimester and my mom has already suggested hosting a baby shower with her friends on a separate date and location so she doesn't have to see my dad's family.  It made me feel like for a minute doing my own thing with my friends and in-laws only if my parents and their family can't get along (I'm not really going to do that!).  I actually haven't announce the pregnancy to my extended family (there's a part of me that dreads making the announcement). My concern is that both sides of my family will be at war over who gets time with the baby.  I can see this stressing out my husband (his parents are still married) and I when it comes to our baby.  I do not want my child exposed to my parents divorce drama, or put in the middle as it was a painful enough experience for me to work through.  I feel like this is hard to talk about with my parents especially since there's a lot of pain between my them.  All that I want my family to do is put aside their differences when it comes to my husband and I and our baby.  

I've tried doing some research on this topic but there isn't much out there.  Also, none of my friends with children have parents who are divorced.  My parents divorce was traumatic enough and I'm sad the drama could continue during this exciting time for my husband and I.  I love both parents equally and want them in our child's life.  Would love to tell my family to be civil when comes to our child but I also don't want anyone in an uncomfortable situation.  Is there anyone else out there who has gone through this and have any advice on how to navigate this?

Thank you! 

coldlife2

catieliz said:

Hello there,

My husband and I are expecting our first child and we could not be more excited.  One thing that has me anxious is that my parents are divorced and do not get along. They use to get along well and were friendly during the time my husband I got married.  However, something happened and to protect myself, I told my parents and family I don't want to know about any of it.  One of my aunts on my dad's side had the nerve to tell my mother she is no longer welcome on my dad's side of the family.  I'm finishing about to start my second trimester and my mom has already suggested hosting a baby shower with her friends on a separate date and location so she doesn't have to see my dad's family.  It made me feel like for a minute doing my own thing with my friends and in-laws only if my parents and their family can't get along (I'm not really going to do that!).  I actually haven't announce the pregnancy to my extended family (there's a part of me that dreads making the announcement). My concern is that both sides of my family will be at war over who gets time with the baby.  I can see this stressing out my husband (his parents are still married) and I when it comes to our baby.  I do not want my child exposed to my parents divorce drama, or put in the middle as it was a painful enough experience for me to work through.  I feel like this is hard to talk about with my parents especially since there's a lot of pain between my them.  All that I want my family to do is put aside their differences when it comes to my husband and I and our baby.  

I've tried doing some research on this topic but there isn't much out there.  Also, none of my friends with children have parents who are divorced.  My parents divorce was traumatic enough and I'm sad the drama could continue during this exciting time for my husband and I.  I love both parents equally and want them in our child's life.  Would love to tell my family to be civil when comes to our child but I also don't want anyone in an uncomfortable situation.  Is there anyone else out there who has gone through this and have any advice on how to navigate this?

Thank you! 

There's nothing wrong with having multiple showers if people offer to throw you them. The only rule is to not overlap the guest list, which it sounds like wouldn't be happening.  

I think you're perfectly within your rights for things like birthdays and such to say "we're having a party this day and time. Mom/dad are invited as well, and if you both are there, you don't have to speak to each other, but we do ask that you be civil."

You'll have to simply accept that both your parents won't be at certain things or that you'll have to split up holidays. I would not bend over backwards to make sure things are perfectly equal. Don't feel like you have to split Christmas Day into three time slots instead of two. Just tell them what you will and won't be doing. "This is how we're doing Christmas. We'd be happy to see you the next day." Etc. 

Unfortunately, you really can't make them set aside their differences if they don't want to, although I think you can ask that and can also say that you will not be hosting two birthday parties, two Christmases, two Mother's Days, etc. to accommodate their differences.