Upset with self after emergency c section

AlexisJoy92

Hello my name is Rachel I had my daughter via emergency c section on 03/03/2020 I was 41w and 3d I went into labor that morning around 1-1:30ish am and labored for 22hrs the plan was a water birth at a birth center with no meds at 2:30a the contractions became painful enough that I could no longer sleep from that point they were 3-6minutes apart for the rest of the day I had two cervical checks one at 8a and then at 4:30p both times I was told she was head down at 7:30p my water broke and it had meconium in it at 9p we did the 3rd cervical check and at this point was told she was breech and they were required to transfer me to the hospital if a breech baby is discovered prior to delivery I was 7cm at this point I waited at the center for their midwife director to confirm she was breech before the transfer and after she confirmed I had to be driven to the closest hospital which was my 4th car ride while in labor I arrived at 10:55p and she was brought into this world at 11:46p that night a happy healthy baby girl I’m so happy she’s here and healthy but I can’t think about that night without hating myself and feeling like a failure I know many women have c sections for many different reasons and I don’t mean to be insensitive to anyone who has had one but for me I tried so hard to bring her into this world as natural as possible and it ended up being the exact opposite of everything I envisioned I had one of the hardest days of my life laboring to bring her into this world I don’t feel like I brought her into this world I feel like someone else had to finish the job for me I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this here I just don’t really feel like Ive been able to talk about it to anyone other than her father and needed to get it off my chest 

lickastick

I get it, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I was a planned home birth that ended as a cesarean birth after 36 hours of labor. I was in agony the first few weeks after birth pain wise, and emotionally I struggled for a long time. Ultimately after talking it out extensively with my home birth midwife after the fact and through my own introspection, I realized that we probably both would have died in childbirth without surgery. It isn’t ideal, but I promise it gets easier with time. I am one and done so I don’t have to make the decision to vbac, but lots of women find that very healing. Many women also find a repeat cesarean birth very healing as well. My biggest advice to get through this is to feel whatever you are feeling and accept that it is how you are feeling. Don’t try to tell yourself you need to feel a specific way (because you and baby are healthy.) take the time to go through the grief process otherwise it’ll stick around and linger. 

mannatalks

I completely understand this feeling.
I have a similar story, though in a hospital, because I'm in a rural area. I labored with no meds or intervention for 18 hours. I was at 10cm for 4 hours. My midwife counseled me that there is no reason to be at 10cm for 4 hours, contractions 1 minute apart, and 1 minute long. She suspected a physiological problem, and recommended c-section. As it turns out, it was a physiological problem, which had also caused a uterine rupture, and it's likely we would both have died.
Despite all that, 7 years later, I've never been able to shake the guilt, regret, feelings of failure and inadequacy. But, it eases some. It isn't so sharp and painful anymore.