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July 2020 Moms
stlbuckeye132
member
February Mental Health Check-In
stlbuckeye132
member
This is a check-in for those of us who are struggling with mental health in any way. Depression, anxiety and all mental health disorders are real issues that impact our health and that of our babies, not to mention our careers and relationships. This is a safe place to share how we're feeling (dear diary-type posts are welcome) and offer support and advice.
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?:
How are you feeling?
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
Re: February Mental Health Check-In
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: generalized anxiety, history of bulimia/disordered eating
How are you feeling? Pretty good physically. Being in that weird can’t-feel-baby-move-regularly definitely triggers the anxious thoughts.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I had a therapist I really liked that was close to my last job. I had to quit when I took this new position in September because it’s just not a manageable commute. I know I need to find a new provider (new job, pregnancy loss in Sept, plus this pregnancy...lots to process!) but man I hate therapist hunts. I do need to talk to someone about my food/weight gain anxieties. I have good and bad days on that front. Thankfully, I haven’t had any urge to restrict or over exercise (too tired!) but the mind shame spiral when I see weight gain is tough.
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: generalized anxiety
How are you feeling? Things have been tough. The news we got on Monday, DD's head injury, and my marriage is struggling right now. I'm hoping to let the stress of everything settle so that, hopefully, we can get back to good again.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) I think I need to get back on my Prozac, but want to give it time to see if letting the stress of all this settle will help bring things back to a manageable place again. We'll see. I'll likely get back on meds with my next OB appt.
word vomit ahead:
The one thing that's so frustrating is that I feel like, with the marriage part, it's on him too... but I'm the one who has to medicate. I (and a close friend I've confided in) think he has some issues with anxiety that he's not willing to address and it's making everything worse. But if I pop a pill, all of a sudden, things get easier because I'm more willing to let things go.... which he prefers, but it doesn't make me happy in the long run. He'd rather talk about nothing, sweep everything under the rug, and hope it never rears it's ugly head again. I'm the opposite. I want to talk it out, work it out and make it so we're better because of it.
I feel like I can manage my day-to-day anxiety on my own (plus some xanax for really hard days)... but with him, I need to medicate. Like, that just doesn't seem right. I don't know where this will leave us, long term. I feel like we've recently moved into the thick of it and things are either going to resolve... or they won't and I'll be a single mom of two. He's trying in other ways, so hopefully it'll be the former. But the whole mental health/medication aspect of things is so frustrating to me. End word vomit
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: PPD/PPA after DD's birth
How are you feeling? Things have been okay, but I'm starting to feel some anxiety creep in about my AS on Monday. DD had complications after birth that weren't apparent on the AS, so I know it doesn't catch everything, but I'm still worried about something being "wrong" with this one.
Where are you in your mental health journey? I was on meds and saw a counselor for a few months after DD's birth. I think most of my anxiety was largely due to her complications which led to a whole thing of me doubting myself as a mother because I didn't even know she was throwing up and not just spitting up, I didn't advocate for her even though something felt wrong in my gut and just trusted the nurses that this was normal, etc. I mean everything ended up fine with her, we caught her defect super early, surgery corrected it, etc, but it was really hard for me to just relax and believe that everything would continue being fine. (Sorry, that was a bit more of DD's story than my mental health journey.) Anyway, my OB wants me to see a psychiatrist while pregnant just to establish patient care and then have a follow-up appt shortly after giving birth to this one just to make sure things don't spiral out of control like before. I'm good with that plan, but I've been putting off making the appointment because (FFFC) MH and I are just now applying for life insurance, so I want to wait until they're done reviewing my history b/c I know mental health issues can be a black mark.
@rachelredhead good luck in the therapist hunt! It can be tough to find someone you click with. I hope you start feeling the little babe soon too so some of your anxiety eases.
@blaf322 that sounds really hard. Hugs. You're right, it's not all on you with the marriage stuff and you shouldn't have to always be the one who's letting things go. Would he be open to marriage counseling? It could be helpful to have an unbiased party tell him that instead of it always coming from you.
We really need the counseling. I know we do... it just would have been so much easier if all this had come to a head pre-kids.
Re: your post... I'm glad you're seeking out help from someone. I think I'd have the same anxieties you're dealing with in your position. It's hard to not be down on ourselves over stuff with kids (which, btw, is super hard to make decisions about sometimes... esp when medical professionals are telling you otherwise).
I hope you can figure something out!
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: Anxiety
How are you feeling? anxious all the time!!!
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.)
I went for a therapy session Monday and I felt a lot better but now the anxiousness is creeping back in. Ever since they found protein in my urine I feel crazy with fear and worry. To help with my anxiety, I try to control all situations, and with this pregnancy I am no different. I am checking my blood pressure twice a day (which I feel is good, but higher than normal because of my high heart rate. After the therapy session it was a lot lower). I am drinking a ton of water and eating super healthy ( I really miss food!). I almost feel obsessive with it. I am now obsessing with if my hands and feet are swollen. I am exhausted and feel crazy! 😣 I just wonder if I need to talk with my doctor about getting back on medication, but I worry about how that will affect the baby.
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: generalized anxiety
How are you feeling?: Generally okay, but still anxious a lot. I haven't felt baby girl move yet really, and I'm worried I won't for a while - I have a pretty big plus size tummy that is prob gonna make it hard to feel her. I'm just constantly worried about her and if she's okay and all that. We've paid multiple times for a private ultrasound and basically if I haven't had an US in like 10 days my anxiety gets really bad. *TW* I keep trying to tell myself that at 18 weeks, the risk of miscarriage and bad stuff is really low, but then I hear things like my friend's cousin who lost her baby at 20 weeks and a facebook friend who got pregnant right around when I did who lost her baby last week and it spikes my anxiety again. *TW over* Every little muscle spasm or pain freaks me out - like yesterday I was having chest pain and I was like "I'm having a heart attack!!!" because I'm a spaz. On top of that, we might be forced to move soon and the thought of packing all of our crap and finding another place and moving in the middle of being pregnant just freaks me TF out. I'm trying to not worry about that until it happens, but our landlords are dragging their feet about scheduling our "meeting" to discuss things, so its making me more anxious. And DH doesnt want to start on anything in the nursery until we know if we are moving, which makes sense, but I just want like a project or something to work on to distract me and get me excited for our LO, you know? Anyway, sorry for the word vomit.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.): I take a few meds for my anxiety...like three different ones haha
@rachelredhead FX we can feel our babies soon to help relieve some of our anxiety!
@blaf322 I'm really sorry to hear about your marriage troubles
that is so hard. i hope you guys can find a way to make counseling work and that it will help. i did a quick google search and apparently there are a few online marriage counseling sites that you could try: https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-marriage-counseling-4691952
@stlbuckeye132 im glad youre going to get established with a therapist! though i know the hunt for one sucks. good luck! im also going to apply for life insurance soon, but i have a feeling its not going to go well....i have too many issues haha
dx: PCOS, hypothroidism
Second TTGP: started meds for first cycle of tx on 10/13/21
I called DH over lunch and laid it all out (how I think we're past fixing it on our own) so he's looking up options for us. We're both invested in trying... so that's good. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted just knowing we're making progress and it doesn't have to be me that's doing all the work.
I'm sure y'all understand, but being an anxious person is exhausting, mentally and physically... and knowing there's one thing that's not on my shoulders to manage is immensely helpful.
Re: the site you found... I saw that too. One of them has retreats. I'd totally do a couples retreat... vacations are where we always seem to reset/reconnect and kind of get back to normal anyway. That plus some therapy could be so beneficial. We won't do it. We'll find someone locally... but it's a great idea in theory!
We had it out the night DD got hurt b/c he made me feel like I was overreacting, at first, for wanting to take her in (obviously, I was 100% right). And his apology for how he made me feel was followed by the most defensive sounding "explanation" ever ::eye roll:: and I'm just not over it.
I'll bounce back and be normal again soon. I promise
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: PPA/general anxiety/depression
How are you feeling? Honestly I am just done. I know too much to feel okay before I meet with the docs Tuesday, DS is sick and I had to get him from daycare, and if one more person tells me ‘but my cousins sisters brothers mother has club feet and they probably have better treatment now’ shit I will blow the fuck up. I do this for a living and used to see about 3 club foot babies a month. It has nothing to do with treatment (which spoiler alert is still the mother fucking ponsetti method) but more of the cost (I don’t know if I can leave the army because shitty free healthcare is better than none) my husband is thinking about leaving his cushy government job to go active duty so I can get out instead...it’s the months of casting and surgery and braces. I do this, I know. I just can’t.
Also trying to talk to DH about the bad things that could happen and what I want (which really helps my anxiety) he doesn’t want to even discuss it. I get his PTSD is making this hell and normally I’m the one fixing him; but I just can’t. And his lovely doctor can’t see him at the VA, and I’ve been begging him to go back for months. He’s been struggling with a lot of the guys in his unit committing suicide or having lots of issues and he’s always been the go to guy to help, and he can’t
Sorry for the long rant I have lots of feels today.
Where are you in your mental health journey?
I’ve been seen in the past, but currently not being treated although I’ve asked multiple times for a referral. Literally broke down at my PCM yesterday saying I’m both depressed and anxious and I feel I cant really connect to this pregnancy anymore and I need help....and basically I was told I’ll be fine and I’m a doctor so I can deal. Fantastic. So I’ll ask my civilian doc Tuesday again so hopefully I can at least start treatment again.
I didn't realize how much I would need this thread, but thanks everyone for helping me feel normal?
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: Anxiety, maybe even considered PPA, no official diagnosis though/no medication
How are you feeling? pretty good overall, but this week can F off soon
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) Sorry, I'm just going to throw it all out there for you:
DS was born in early 2017, and I went back to work Feb 2018 (thanks Canadian mat leave!), prior to having DS I had a bit of an anxious mentality/always worried about stupid things and I just kind of thought it was normal (maybe it it!)
After heading back to work, I had constant anxiety about having it all together, that perfect life with the perfect balance. I would stress out if I didn't make it to work by a certain time, and I would stress out if I picked up DS from daycare a bit later than normal/have dinner on the table late, losing my job, etc. To add to this, husband was going through an intensive MBA program, so I was taking care of all areas of life...it was ALOT. I was having mental breakdowns at least once a month, crying, not asking for help (because I was too proud). We were also trying for baby#2
It got to a point where my anger and yelling at DH in front of DS was too much and I knew I needed to talk to someone for the sake of our marriage and DS.
FFWD to late 2019 - DH and I went to see a psychologist together and I let it all go. In the end we determined I needed more time for myself (i'm such an introvert!), and DH was willing to help out more with daycare drop off/pick up..and we started getting a babysitter once a month, and we got pregnant! My outburst/anger/ragey moments are less and less but when I start feeling like I'm losing control, then my anxiety picks up again.
All in all I don't really know what I'm trying to say except that I need to find more time for self-care in my life, otherwise my anxiety picks up.
I’m hoping Tuesday is better and I can get a consult outside my hospital and just start the process all over. On the bright side; I went to officer basic with a plethora of AMAZING BH officers I can reach out to if it gets bad.
My husband actually suggested counseling recently, which very much surprised me, and I was tempted to say yes, just to encourage that mindset (before when we did it, I had posed it more as a non-optional requirement to staying married). But I really think our issues right now stem from zero quality time together. So I asked that if we’re going to spend a bunch of money and have to arrange childcare, can we please try doing it for fun date nights, and then do counseling if that approach doesn’t work.
@knockupthestock I hope you feel her soon! There’s always something to worry about (especially with anxiety), but feeling consistent movement definitely helps. I also hope your landlord stops dragging their feet and you figure out what you need to do as far as staying/moving. That uncertainty sounds really stressful.
@blaf322 I’m so glad he’s taking the initiative on this! What a huge weight off your shoulders. I hope it helps. ❤️
@coffeeandcookies84 self-care is so crucial but also the easiest thing to let slide. It’s hard to make time when you’re working and have a husband and kid and household to take care of! I’m an introvert too, so I completely understand needing time for yourself with no one bothering you. I hope you’re able to get that space you need.
I just want to tell everyone how sorry I am and give creepy internet hugs to everyone. I am thankful for the support of this group. Also thank you @stlbuckeye132 for making this thread and giving us a place to write out our thoughts and feeling!!! Love to you all!!!
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: No diagnosis, I've sought therapy over the years as needed, including right now.
How are you feeling? Totally depends on the day. Honestly, the only thing "wrong" in my life, and the only reason I'm in therapy now, is my marriage. Don't really know where to start but we have been together for 10 years and married for 4, and he's just a difficult person. We've been in a pattern for years and years where when things are fine (he's in a good mood, things are going well, he feels like trying in our relationship), they are great, no real complaints. But when things are bad (and they can turn bad at the drop of a hat... like we are going somewhere and there's traffic or plans change etc), he's just so grumpy and moody and passive aggressive for hours and sometimes days and can't handle his shit. Both of us have been incredibly lucky to have grown up with very few challenges or hardships, and our life together has been the same way, so I just find it so hard to understand him falling apart at the smallest little thing. And he just shuts down emotionally and I basically just have to wait until he feels like communicating again... which is super fun with a kid. So while that's a day to day struggle in our marriage I'm having a larger internal struggle where I have days where I feel like having a second baby was a huge mistake and I feel super guilty and kind of like well I made my bed now I have to lie in it. And then feeling that way makes me feel even guiltier because of how selfish it all is. Blah.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) We did counseling for almost all of last year with little effect (the sessions would go well, we would both be engaged, but then return to our routine quickly after), then my husband took a new job and needed to put a hold on it. Now that he's getting more established at the new job, I suggested going back, and it was clear that he was super ambivalent about it. So I decided to go back just myself. I recently told him I started going back, and he was very lukewarm about joining me. So we'll see.
Thanks all for sharing/reading and it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I hope we can all support each other through the good times and the more challenging ones too.
Diagnosis (if you have been) or what brings you to this thread today?: Depression. haven't been diagnosed but I've had ridiculous anxiety during this pregnancy that I never had before.
How are you feeling? Blah. Hard on myself for not connecting or being really excited about this pregnancy after wanting it for so long. Everyone is always like, "omg when you heard the heartbeat/saw the baby for the first time, did you cry? I would cry" and it already makes me feel like I'm going to be the world's least loving/enthusiastic mom. I'm also really good at convincing myself that something is wrong with the baby and telling myself not to get excited, even though so far there's no evidence to support that. Generally, I have just been really blah the last few weeks. I find it hard to get involved on here, at work, and IRL with people besides my BFF and husband.
I'm also getting anxious about what my life is going to look like after the baby comes. Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to it, but also just generally anxious because DH doesn't do jack around the house now so I'm just imagining the horrible version of myself I'm going to be with the added responsibility of taking care of a newborn baby and doing 98% of the work there, plus what I already take on around the house. I just feel like I'm alone. He's obsessed with things like possibly buying a new car, our tax refund, and work, and never really expresses excitement or anything about the baby or becoming parents. I really don't know if he realizes how much life will change in July and how he's going to HAVE to change responsibility-wise or his sleep deprived wife is actually going to murder him. Maybe it'll all change by the time she comes and I'm just overreacting.
Where are you in your mental health journey? (in treatment, looking for support, on meds, in counseling, having a rough day, etc.) Mainly just looking for support.
I've had a lot of days where I wondered if we made a mistake bringing this baby into a home that might end up broken. It's such a tough place to be in. I hope we're both pleasantly surprised and find that, over time, we're able to overcome some of the challenges we're both facing. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot too
Also, you definitely go here
@meanjellybean I can also semi relate, and you totally go here. I love my husband (we've been together 13-14 years), he makes me want to be a better person, but he's also very sensitive and a bit of a perfectionist. To the point where I'm sometimes torn as to whether I should open up to him about something that bothers me, or if that would completely trigger him into a bad mood (does that make sense?). sometimes I'm never really sure what kind of mood he's going to be in, but I've also learned that he needs a lot of exercise to feel balanced/less stressed. So I of course ensure he gets that balance, over my own.
@b_1029 I struggled big time after DS was born. Mostly that I had to be responsible for another human being and I couldn't just get up and leave to go somewhere like I used to. It was very hard on my mental health. My husband also has a huge bike hobby that consumes him (outside of his MBA) and anytime he could get out of the house to go biking, he was gone, I felt like a single mom, 100% of the time. People would ask me how I did it, you're so strong, etc.
We fought SO much in the beginning, because I didn't have that luxury, and I felt like he didn't care, and i didn't communicate my needs. I also had huge anxiety over leaving DS. But now him and DS have this amazing bond over biking and i love it. We also learned how to communicate with each other better since having kids.
Also, my husbands thing is that he does is laundry, and honestly that's enough for me, because i hate it
@coffeeandcookies84 I feel your last sentence so hard about doing things so your H can be balanced while sacrificing your own balance. That's truly how it is. And I'm generally happy to do it so that things can be peaceful and light. But as I'm sure you know, it doesn't always work and then I get SO mad and resentful that I work so hard to give him this relatively breezy lifestyle only for him to turn into a grouch again.
@b_1029 those are totally understandable concerns. I really hope that your H does get on board sooner rather than later. I also hoped that mine would get it together, and while the nature of adding a child to your family will inevitably mean change and additional responsibilities for both of you, I think as moms we just naturally step up more. My advice (because I wish I had done this more) is to set expectations for him and yourself and try to have a team mentality as much as possible. Things are hard in those early days and it's so easy to fall into you vs. them. We definitely did and are still struggling with it.
@b_1029 I can completely relate to everything you said. I've not cried at any of my ultrasounds (with DD or this one), and it's just hard for me to make it feel like a reality and not an abstract thing that's happening. When I took L&D classes last time, I'd get really emotional watching other women's births. Did I cry when DD was born? No. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but my overwhelming emotion was just shock. I was in shock that I'd just pushed a human out of me and this was really happening. I also mentioned this in the weekly update, not sure if you saw it (I haven't looked at that thread since early yesterday afternoon), but I didn't feel like I was immediately hit by a ton of bricks with overwhelming love for her as soon as she was born either. Yes, I absolutely loved her, but I also didn't "know" her yet! This may just be me and my personality, but it always takes me time to build a connection with people and I'm a bit reserved at first. It was no different even with DD. Yes I loved her, but to be honest those early weeks are really, really hard and I was so stressed out and anxious that it felt like I was only worried about feeding her and keeping her alive and I was too stressed to actually enjoy her. I felt my bond with her got stronger every day, but honestly it was a few weeks later when I was like "omg I love this tiny baby SOOOO much with my whole being" and just sobbed about how much I loved her. Some of that may have been PPD/PPA related, but I've since heard others talk about a similar experience of needing time to build that really deep connection and not feeling it instantaneously. That was super long, but all of this to say, don't beat yourself up for not feeling all the things you think you "should" feel right now, and if you have a similar experience as I did after birth, that's okay too!
@blaf322 sorry to hear your marriage is struggling. That is so frustrating about feeling like you are the only one who makes changes (medication etc) or tries to improve things. I don't have any advice, but I hope things improve for you guys. I looked into marriage counseling during the first year of our marriage because I was like 98% ready to get a divorce. It never materialized but I honestly wish we had gone to counseling because while we're better at communicating now, we still have a lot of issues. I agree with others that it's definitely worth it to look at virtual options for counseling if there's no one that you can trust to watch your daughter. I'm really glad that YH is also looking at options and making an effort!
@stlbuckeye132 sorry about that whole ordeal with your daughter, that had to be so scary and it makes sense you'd be feeling anxious now leading up to the AS. Also - that's complete BS about the mental health going against your life insurance policy. I hate that it's viewed that way. Either way, I'm glad you're going to establish care soon as a preventative measure. That's not a bad idea, I should probably look into the same given my history and how "bleh" I've been during this pregnancy. I am the same as you in terms of being more reserved, so I'm sure I'll beat myself up if I'm not "lovestruck" or if I don't cry when she's born. It's good to know that's normal, thank you!
@Mamaof2beautifulgirls I'm sorry
@knockupthestock I totally understand, I have days where I'm like ok this is happening, and then I remember that I know people who have *TW* had stillborn babies at 20 weeks and other later term stuff* end TW* and then I get super anxious again. I'm sorry anxiety has been creeping in, and I can't imagine the added stress of moving while pregnant?! It makes sense that focusing on a project would be helpful right now. Hopefully you guys can get some answers from your landlords one way or another so that you won't be potentially moving at like 7-8 months pregnant.
@footdrbritt I'm so sorry for all the different sh*t you guys have going on. One issue would be bad enough but you all have a full plate. I hope your civilian doctor is able to help since it sounds like your PCM is incredibly insensitive (at least when it comes to mental health). Pretty sure it doesn't matter what your profession is.
@coffeeandcookies84 self-care is so important but I also suck at it and it's the first thing that drops off the list when I'm busy. I'm sure it doesn't get any better once you're a mom and have kids and a husband depending on you too. As a fellow introvert, I totally understand needing time to yourself. I hope you're able to get some alone, chill time soon. Also, I have a feeling I'll be in the same situation as you and YH were when YS was born. I know it won't last forever, but dang it's going to be hard. My husband's thing is loading the dishwasher which is all well and good but that's like 1/10000th of our house
@meanjellybean that's such a tough situation with YH. I'm sorry, and I hope he joins you at therapy soon
Like my H's father, for example, has never cooked a meal for himself, has never cleaned the house, my MIL does everything for him to this day. They both had to work when the kids were young (except for a couple of years my MIL stopped teaching when she first had my H and his sister), but it's clear her preference would have been to be a SAHM. And honestly, she loves doing everything for her husband and her kids (and their spouses, which I reap the benefits of... her cooking is amazing lol). But my H has always said he wanted to be more "involved" in caregiving duties for our kids and not just be waited on hand and foot, but guess what, it's way EASIER to be waited on hand and foot lol. I try to hold the mirror up sometimes in those situations but then he gets defensive, probably because he feels he holds more progressive attitudes than men his father's age, but like it says in the article, when it comes to actually putting that into action, there's a disconnect.
So don't feel bad about any of this! It's totally on the spectrum of normal emotions!
And my own update, so I'm not just lurking / commenting on others - I'm actually really good right now! But after an early loss right before this pregnancy, and then the most fatiguing first trimester I've experienced, I was getting super depressed and unhappy. Having energy is a big influencer of whether or not I'm sane.
I've also dealt with a ton of anxiety since having kids, after basically an entire lifetime of not being an anxious person at all. With my first two, I got really bad post-partum anxiety at like 5 or 6 months post-partum, which I didn't expect (kind of thought I'd be out of the woods by then). Kind of makes you realize why other countries give moms a whole year off... therapy helped a lot, so I think this time around I'm going to line up therapy sessions a few months in advance if possible (last time I had to go out-of-network because my provider basically just couldn't see me ever).