GTKY - Pregnancy/Childbirth/Motherhood Fears

literatureandink

Does anyone else have any fears about certain aspects of pregnancy/childbirth/motherhood? I thought it would be helpful if we had a place to share these fears or worries and provide support or encouragement (or even just - holy sh*t I’m scared of that too!).

For me, my biggest fear is going into preterm labor. I don’t know why I’m so nervous about it, I’m not high risk for it or exhibiting any signs, but I’m petrified of going into labor early.

Regarding motherhood, I just have an irrational fear that baby girl won’t feel bonded to me, or vice versa. 

mandarenee898

@literatureandink great idea for a thread! I am super afraid of preterm labor this time around because of the twin factor.  Though I know people who made it until their doctor induced/planned c-section with their twins, I also know people who went at 28 or 32 weeks and had NICU time. So... I’m telling little boy/girl to stay put!!

littleredm

I honestly have a huge fear of needing an unplanned c-section and dying in childbirth. When I had to be put under for my egg retrieval I started crying and shaking uncontrollably because I was so scared. It's just a big fear of mine. That's partly why I hired a doula to try and help me feel more in control of my situation and prevent an unneeded c-section from taking place but of course if it is needed to save mine or baby's life I'll get one. 

Kathryn0903

I've been through this before, but I have a couple fears/worries.
I had preeclampsia last time, so I'm so worried about getting it again and having to deal with the annoyance of twice weekly appointments. 
I was induced last time, so I'm nervous about going into labor naturally. It was nice not having to worry about when/where it would happen last time.
As far as motherhood, I'm worried about handling 2 kids(almost 3 yr old and a newborn).

skc040512

@Kathryn0903 I’ve been induced both with DD1 and DD2 so I’m pretty convinced I won’t even know it if I go into labor naturally 🤦🏻‍♀️ As for handling 2 kids, I won’t lie and say it’s not stressful, because it is at times, but i found the transition from 1 kid to 2 SO much easier than from no kids to 1 kid! Thankfully, you know generally what to expect from the baby phases, and are better prepared. My biggest problem is keeping 2 kids entertained when they’re at different development levels

mercury94

Like @Kathryn0903 I’m scared about dealing with 2 kids. DS will be about 2.5 when baby gets here. He’s a handful himself, so adding a baby to the mix is pretty scary. 

This one is silly, but I saw a grandma do this when I was walking around the hospital during my glucose test and I am now scared that my mom will take DS to the nursery window instead of waiting for me to tell her to come to our room and I will miss the first time DS sees his baby sister. When DS was born, my mom ran to that window and took pictures of him. We didn’t know she was going to do that and she never listens, so this is my new fear now. 

For childbirth, I’m mostly afraid of having to be induced early either because of IUGR caused by the 2 vessel cord or some complication that comes from the fact that I have borderline GD. My SIL was induced 2 weeks early with my niece due to GD (and an insane OB honestly) and my niece was so tiny when she was born that I was basically afraid to hold her. 

liligirl87

I'm mostly afraid of giving birth in my bathroom or on the NJ turnpike during rush hour. I rationally understand that labor takes many hours so I should be fine but I've heard so many birth stories on The Birth Hour podcast about women feeling pain but not realizing it was active labor and giving birth in random places that I'm doubting that I will be able to tell in the moment when is THE TIME to go versus early pains, etc. Both of my mom's labors were quick, but she lived 5 minutes from the hospital...

literatureandink

So I just want to say that already this is making me feel better to know that I’m not the only one with fears about this stuff! I was like “am I a weirdo??”

@littleredm I think hiring a doula is such a healthy way to handle your fears! I’m also a little bit afraid of childbirth but not necessarily anesthesia, more like what if I’m pushing and my heart gives out?

To the STMs - I’m sure you will all do so well with navigating from 1-2...did any of you have worries that your first wouldn’t bond to you or vice versa?

@mandarenee898 sounds like preterm labor is a shared fear! What tactics do you use to talk yourself down when you get nervous about it?

gingers19

@literatureandink and @mandarenee898 I am with you on the preterm labor fear. I think it’s partly caused by the fact I’m a pediatric nurse practitioner and used to work inpatient where preemies were the norm. I finally looked up the stats and reminded myself that only 10% of babies come before 37 weeks. That has helped somewhat. 

@liligirl87 I also worry about going into labor on the train during my commute! 

doraleigh35

I’m high risk for preterm labor thanks to my bicornuate uterus, so that is obviously a huge fear for me. My OB basically said I can go into labor any time, so every week I get through makes me feel a little better. I just pray I make it to my scheduled CS, but I have a feeling I won’t make it that far.

I am most scared of the NICU. We had a rough experience with DD and she was in there for 2 weeks. It was really difficult and traumatizing tbh. I can’t imagine doing it again with a 3yo at home. With her I basically lived at the hospital in a parent room even after getting discharged, I wouldn’t be able to do that this time. 

*TW* There are of course some mixed emotions about being PGAL, I’m a little nervous about going back to the same hospital where I delivered DS.

literatureandink

@doraleigh35 how early did DD come? 

coaster102516

My fears stem from my previous births and possible TW. 

I am fearful of getting an epidural after my experience with a failed one last time. I rather go through child birth pain med free than deal with the complications of a botched epidural again but a correctly done epidural (my first one was perfect) was wonderful. 

I hemorrhaged after giving birth to both my babies. Clotting meds didn’t work for after my first, I was taken back to the OR (had to leave him and MH behind which was super traumatic for me) and was sick afterwards. My hemorrhage wasn’t as severe with my second because I was on clotting meds prior but I still lost a lot of blood, fainted and was very sick too. So experiencing that again is a huge fear of mine. I have an appointment with a hematologist Monday to see if I have a clotting disease that would cause that. 

I also had a retained placenta after my second birth that led to months of bleeding, a difficult postpartum and eventually surgery. I’m at risk again so I’m worried about that being an issue but I think avoiding that should be easier than above. 

literatureandink

Oof @coaster102516 it seems like you have some legit fears. I hope the epidural goes swimmingly this time and a hematologist can make sure you’re set up for success.

 What the heck is a retained placenta??

Kathryn0903

@coaster102516 I have the same fear after a botched epidural as well. I know I'm likely someone who would be miserable med free,  but it scares me having my only epidural experience be a bad one. 

doraleigh35

@literatureandink 36w, so not too early and her NICU stay was mostly because of birth trauma and jaundice. But my OB said I was very very lucky to make it that far. My uterus is essentially split in two, it’s shaped like a heart but it comes down really far in the center. So it feels (with movement) like i have a line down the middle of my stomach and baby is only on one side. DD was on the left and baby boy is on the right which is a bit unknown since I haven’t carried on that side.

@coaster102516 I had retained placenta with DS and it was really difficult. I had two separate D&Cs. He was a VBAC and I’ll be having a CS this time. I hope it all goes smooth for you!

literatureandink

@doraleigh35 I’ll keep hoping that you make it to at least 36w if not longer! When does your ob plan on doing your scheduled C - how many weeks?

mercury94

@literatureandink I had some fear with my first about not bonding properly. I probably have more fear with this one, though. Like, how can I love anyone as much as I love DS?

coaster102516

@literatureandink I basically had pieces of my placenta that didn’t come out after birth. My doctor mentioned doing an ultrasound before being discharged so I need to confirm that and would avoid the same issues I had last time  

@Kathryn0903 I never wanted or imagined giving birth med free. Not my jam! The pain of the spinal headache was worse than a natural birth for me. I also went from 6 to 10 cm in 20 min then my daughter was born in 10 min. Pain was almost immediately gone but I had that spinal headache for days! I’m still undecided but leaning towards unmedicated and I’m very pro-medicine lol 

jecies

My biggest fear is having this baby on my son's bday. Due 4/27, DS bday is 4/29. 
Other fears I have are not bonding with baby girl the same as I did with DS. Also, due to a medication I take, baby girl may be slow to breathe on her own initially, so I'm terrified of something going wrong with her breathing. The last fear is just going from 1 to 2, and the 14 year age gap between them!

mandarenee898

Thank you everyone for being so open. It makes me feel a little more normal. 

@literatureandink the pre-term fear just started this week Sat will be 28 weeks. It helped that I had a therapy apt this week and addressed them a little.  We also had a growth ultrasound and prenatal apt where my dr thinks everything is on track. I think the main thing helping my fear is that once we get to 32 weeks we have a weekly NST and BPP so babies will be getting a lot of attention. My dr told me that she would have done this with us even if we weren’t having twins due to our history with DD. 

literatureandink

@mandarenee898 what’s a BPP?

doraleigh35

@literatureandink she wanted to schedule for 36w, but I talked her into waiting until 37w. She strongly feels I won’t make it that far, but it’s scheduled for now. I have an ultrasound at 32w.

jenabary

This is a great thread! I have been feeling more fearful/anxious lately, and it makes me feel a lot better to know I’m not alone in that!

I also have a fear of pre-term labor for some reason. I have a trip coming up at the end of the month, and I have been worrying whether traveling at 30 weeks is wise. It doesn’t help that I was ill after coming back from our holiday travels. I’m glad @gingers19 mentioned that statistically only 10% of babies come earlier than 37 weeks. 

I am afraid birth will be more difficult than I imagine and that I might have a doctor on call who doesn’t listen to me/respect my preferences. 

I also definitely have anxiety around what life will be like after baby (FTM here). I’m someone who puts a lot of pressure on myself already, and I have trouble asking for help. I know it won’t be healthy to be that way in motherhood. I worry it will affect my relationship with DH.

Sending encouragement out to all of you!

babybison

@liligirl87 Agree the NJ turnpike is awful. It might be helpful to remind yourself you can always call the police/ambulance. Not the best case scenario, but sometimes knowing there's another option is good enough to keep the stress from being a panic attack, at least for me. The cops would have no qualms about driving on the shoulder to get to you!

@literatureandink I had the same bonding fears with my first. It seemed to me that people were always talking about "love at first sight" and that instant connection. I didn't have that, and I was so mentally and physically exhausted from the hardest day of my life, and he wasn't latching, and so many things that I was just happy DS was healthy. My bonding came later when he was awake and aware for more periods of time. 
I think the research says babies don't even see Mom as a separate entity from them for a while, so your baby will for sure be bonded to you!

I'm more worried this time around about DS feeling like I don't love him or have time for him. So my goal is to make him still feel special and appreciated.

krthouse

I have a massive fear of an unplanned c-section, which is silly because myself and my siblings  as well as all of their children, as well as my own Mum were all born safely by c-section. I'm not scared of complications or of the recovery. I am scared of knives and the fear of being cut and being open on the table is extremely strong. I have a doula and midwives who know this, and plans are moving forward so far for a water birth in a birthing centre, but I know that if it does turn into an emergency C I'm really going to need their help and emotional support. I think women who have C sections are true warriors because they have overcome this huge fear that I have. 

doraleigh35

@korthouse that is definitely a valid fear and not silly. If it’s any comfort, by the time my OB decided on an emergency CS with DD I would have done anything to get her out. They put a big sheet up so you can’t see anything. DH and I were able to talk through the surgery and the anesthesiologist was great at distracting me. 

mandarenee898

@literatureandink it’s a biophysical profile, a shorter duration of an ultrasound where they check the amniotic fluid levels, movements, breathing etc... it’s common with twins to have them weekly at 32 weeks. My friend who just had triplets (yes-3!!!) was having a BPP regularly from early on. 

literatureandink

@mandarenee898 I’m so glad they’re doing all this extra monitoring! It must be reassuring.

@babybison thanks for your input on the bonding. I really only have heard the “love at first sight” stories and I’m like surely that can’t be EVERYONE.

@jenabary The “when she’s here” stuff is a huge part of my anxiety. Like, life is just completely different. I’m afraid of doing things wrong. I’m afraid of getting PPD and/or PPA and not asking for help. I’m afraid of “what if she doesn’t like me” or “what if this changes my relationship with DH”. Hearing I’m not alone in these thoughts is super helpful.

babybison

There might be a time when you are super annoyed/hate your spouse. It's kind of irrational, but even without PPD your emotions and hormones are so out of wack that you can't help it.  My cousin prepared me for it so it wasn't a surprise.

literatureandink

@babybison and other STM+ - I’m actually super curious about what your mental/emotional state was like after birth and for the first few months. I’m curious to hear from all moms - those without or with PPD/PPA...

smallbutmighty77

I am not excited for all the meds associated with a csection. And obviously serious anxiety until they deliver him and he is ok!! 
NICU would probably give us a lot of PTSD type issues since we were there with both kids and *tw* that is where DS passed away when he was 6wks old* end tw*
SO hopefully this kid needs no NICU. But I know day of I'm going to be a mess. Honestly think I would feel better if I went into labor first!! 

mercury94

@literatureandink I’m not going to lie. The first few months are tough. The so-called 4th tri is a big adjustment for you and your family. There’s not a lot of sleep and you are constantly needed by a tiny human. Plus, you still have those crazy hormones for a while. That said, I personally had more trouble with 3rd tri, because I was so uncomfortable and I never managed to sleep. I do think that the fact that I got back on birth control very quickly after he was born may have impacted my hormones significantly and changed the way I experienced that time. I say this because I remember feeling more normal shortly after starting the pill again. But, I know it’s more difficult to find safe birth control to take if you are nursing and I wouldn’t recommend getting on birth control right away to anyone. It’s a very personal decision. 

babyrummom

I have a low lying placenta, so I’m fearful that it stays low and of needing a c-section. At the same time, I’m also fearful of the placenta moving enough to have a vaginal birth. I’d be afraid that it’s within the parameters to have a vaginal birth, but it still cause problems like hemorrhaging or needing an emergency c-section. I had been feeling pretty good about birthing until this whole placenta issue came up. What I fear most about motherhood is losing myself and suffering from PPD and/or anxiety. I’m afraid of not knowing how to take care of the baby or figuring out his needs (FTM). I’m afraid of how it will affect my relationship with my husband.

babybison

@literatureandink I don't do well on no sleep, and since I was breastfeeding and the little guy took forever it was basically 1 hour intervals and night. I was terrified I'd fall asleep while nursing and crush him somehow. I even had dreams where I was nursing him, but then I'd wake up and he wasn't there, which totally freaked me out for one because I thought I dropped him and then also because I'd still have to nurse. 

I didn't have PPD, but I still cried every day for a couple weeks. Taking care of a newborn was so emotionally draining and lonely for me that I was just too overwhelmed. And I had my spouse and our moms came to help, but very lonely.

Kathryn0903

I didn't have PPD/PPA, but the beginning was hard for me because of health issues. The beginning was really hard because I really couldn't do much with DS because of that. Thankfully, DH was wonderful and did a lot to help. I will say if something seems off healthwise after birth, please get it checked out. I had a spinal headache from the epidural and didn't know that was the problem till 10 days later.

jecies

@literatureandink I did have ppd after my first, but wouldn't admit it for almost 6 months. And didn't seek any help, which made things so much worse. 
This time, I'm prepared and have jotted down some early warning signs, and things to mitigate them (mostly self care type stuff). I've shared this with DH and our son (he's 13). And have asked that they call it out if they see something. 

literatureandink

@jecies prepping your husband and son is super smart. What are some early warning signs you’re watching out for?

KFrob

@jecies and @literatureandink I had it with DD1 and possibly DD2.  With DD1 I honestly had no idea until it all came to a head one day when DH and I got into a fight and he told me I wasn't myself and he missed his wife.  The way things played out the first time I made sure that we were on the same page and that he would let me know if he felt like I was slipping into it.  With me it is correlated to a lack of self care.

coaster102516

@literatureandink

with my first I had difficulty bonding until he was about 2 months old. The adjustment was super hard for me and I had postpartum depression for those first 2-3 months. I didn’t realize it until after I was through it either. MH helped me through it a lot but looking back, I needed professional help. I think therapy would have been super beneficial during that time. 

With my daughter I had postpartum anxiety and depression. It was bad enough that I went on medication in addition to therapy. I also was able recognize it immediately because I knew more what to look for. The transition from 1 to 2 kids was easy in comparison to the transition from
no children to children but I had a difficult time with working full time and only seeing my kids for a few hours M-F. 

skc040512

Re: questions about PPD/PPA. I (thankfully) didn’t have any issues with PPD after DD1, just a pretty major case of baby blues. Mostly, it was about 5 weeks of me crying over every little thing and not being sure how to cope in situations with even the slightest discomfort for me (ie change of plans, being unsure of what needed to be done, etc). I finally got over the hump when I gave up trying to nurse. DD1 refuses to latch and I was killing myself trying to force it to happen. 

With DD2, I got hit HARD with PPD. Thankfully, DH is a brilliant man and knew that I wasn’t acting like myself (I had no interest in playing with DD1, was having a hard time bonding with DD2, had no interest in my usual hobbies and super low appetite even with nursing). I got on Zoloft at my PP appointment and that did help some - it at least stabilized my moods and helped me connect again. But I still dealt with some serious depression for about 14 months after birth.

TL;DR - talk to your partner even if you don’t feel like it - they’ll notice changes in you that you overlook a lot. And talk to your OBGYN. Mine was more than happy to write a script for Zoloft then and there - there is no shame in getting help when you need it, and it doesn’t mean you’re failing if you take the help offered

literatureandink

How can you tell the difference between pretty normal baby blues and ppd?