Gender Disappointment Support

youaresoenough

Did a quick scan of the boards and didn’t see anything like this yet so I wanted to start a new thread!

Hubs and I found out today that we’re having a baby boy. I’m feeling totally devastated because I really wanted a girl, and also feeling SO guilty for being so sad. As long as baby is healthy, I should be happy, right? I know it will be fine when he comes and I’ll love him so much but I’ve only ever pictured myself with a girl and feel like I’m grieving the loss of that life I imagined. Dramatic, huh? Pregnancy hormones are nuts! 

Anyway, I wanted to start a place for those of us experiencing gender disappointment to support and love on one another! 

kyrwyn

@youaresoenough I was in a similar situation with my first. I had always known I wanted to be a mom, and I had always imagined having a daughter. I felt really well prepared to raise a strong, independent woman in the next generation. When we found out we were having a boy, it took me a little bit to shift gears. By the time he was born, I couldn't imagine having anyone else as our first child. And two years on, he's exactly the kiddo our family needed... And a lot of the things I envisioned doing with a daughter, we do together. He's at my side in the kitchen all the time. I'm fairly certain we'll pass down family recipes to him, just like my mom passed them to me. He plays piano with me. He's definitely my mini me, down to the stubborn streak and chatterbox tendencies.

Sending you love for your adjustment time. You're going to be an awesome mom to your LO. ❤️ I can't wait to hear about your adventures together!

ReneeJ2011

I don't know if disappointment is the right word for me but...I had hoped for some pink and sparkles in my world and boy number 2 is going to be joining us is June.  That being said, I think that a boy is what will work best for our family right now.  We are planning on 3 and this way if a girl is next the boys can share a room and will be closer in age. This will also give DS 1 someone to be rough and tumble with in a few years and he needs that!!!  Also toys just pass right on down.  I do still have to start over on all baby gear and clothes because we got rid of EVERYTHING but oh well.   I had a feeling that even though I wanted a girl that it was a boy so I wasn't super surprised when the results came back boy.  I'm excited to see what life as a #boymom of 2 is like, although I do secretly hope for pink and sparkles next time!!

pourmeanothermocktail

I really really wanted a girl with my first. I did want to have a boy too, but I had hoped my first would be a girl, if only so my first potty training experience would be with parts I could readily demonstrate with, which turned out to be a very realistic fear as my husband hasn't been very helpful for showing our son how to aim. Sigh. 

But we had decided to be Team Green mostly for the purpose of feeling pretty comfortable that I wouldn't be sad about a boy once I was holding him. So we didn't know until birth, and I wasn't sad at all about it.

Also, he loves all things pink sparkly, having long hair, and insists on sometimes wearing a dress like mommy.

Hugs to all that find themselves here. I know that you know it'll be just fine, but by all means, have and feel all of your feelings first.

MssyMmmy

I felt the same way with my first. It’s hard to picture anything other than your dream. The last 4 years with my son are 1000 x better than what I pictured with my imaginary daughter. He is the best kid in the world and more than perfect for me. But it’s okay to grieve what you thought life would be like. I am finding out the gender of number 2 just so I can mentally prepare either way...but I know whoever I get will be better than I imagined. No matter the parts. (But yes still rooting for a girl) 😉

rothkristan

I’m struggling too. We have an amazing little boy who loves his mama so much. I wanted a little girl for a handful of selfish reason, one being to humble my husband a bit. There’s a special bond between boys and their mamas and I’ve heard there is for girls and their daddys. I wanted my husband to experience it.

But ultimately, I don’t think I’d know how to be a good girl mom! I also know that my two boys will be the best of friends and I love that I’ll always be their first girl. We don’t plan to have anymore so I think that’s where my disappointment comes in. 

Hoping you can find the silver lining soon. Hang in there mama, know you’re not alone in the guilt and the wishful thinking!

pnkfaerie

I have 2 living boys and an angel (also boy). I'm terrified to have a girl. I don't want a girl. Boys are all I know. After having a preterm labor resulting in a loss, I will truly and honestly be happy to take a baby home in the end but my preference is definitely boy. I want to find out what we're having to I can surprise my son's son I'm so nervous because I know I'll be irrationally sad if it's a girl.

lynkat

I can’t say that what I’d feel is disappointment (we’re team green), but probably more like an irrational fear. 

@pnkfaerie I’m in a similar boat... I love having boys and would love another. I have a fear of raising a girl in this crazy world. My mom & I didn’t have a good relationship for a long time growing up, but we’re better now. Everyone hopes we have a girl and expects me to want that too. Of course I want a healthy baby and I trust that if this baby is a girl she will fit perfectly into our family. Having 2 older brothers gives me some comfort too. 

ladybird5617

I think it’s okay to feel like you’re grieving a bit. It’s hard to adjust your expectations with the mass flood of hormones. I always wanted a boy first, then a girl so she would have a big brother like I did. A few weeks ago I started getting excited at the idea of this one (our first) being a girl and started seeing pros and cons to both. My husband completely flipped from wanting a boy to wanting a girl. When they told us it looks like a girl, I was immediately happy and disappointed at the same time. Kind of like how I’m equally excited and terrified about this whole process at the same time. 

Boy-Momma relationships are so adorable and sweet, just give yourself sometime to adjust. 

ttmills620

Hello Mamas,

I'm so glad that this thread was created. Today I received my NIPT result which is negative. The nurse also told me that we are having a boy. I'll be honest, I was so emotional because I was praying for a girl.  I felt really bad for having these feelings and that made me cry even more because I didn't want to be selfish or ungrateful. I'm still processing that I will be having my third son, but I count it all joy and I'm just thankful that my son is doing well and is healthy.  I'm feeling a little down because I really wanted to experience the mother-daughter bond. But I know first hand how it feels to be loved and adored by your sons.  Having a girl would have been so new to me and I would have been a fish out of water. I have raised boys and I'm familiar with what is required and expected when raising sons.  I'll come around, I know I will. My DH received the news very well.  He has one son, age 18 and this will be his second. He was praying for a girl also but he's super excited to have another son.

natalie115

I went through this with my second. We already had a boy and I wanted another one. I never imagined being a mom to a girl. I grew up with all boys and was a huge tom boy. When we found out we were having a girl I was in disbelief. I honestly didn't believe it until she was born. Now that she's 4 I can honestly say she is such a joy and the perfect addition to our family. I always say she is the little girl I didn't know I needed. I totally understand the disappointment and shock that can come with finding out baby isn't the sex you were hoping for, but hang in there. It will turn out fine in the end and you will love that little one no matter what.

youaresoenough

Hope everyone who’s replied to this thread is doing better with some time to process. Having a bit of a hard time with this this week but hoping it passes soon

pourmeanothermocktail

@youaresoenough I say this as someone who has had disappointment, but also as someone who is concerned.

Still having this hard of a time, a few weeks later, doesn't sounds entirely typical. 

Hormones don't make anything easy, but I think you should consider talking to a professional about this. Even just having a non-judgemental unbiased party to listen can be super helpful. 

But what you're describing sounds like prenatal depression, which can be dangerous for you and baby. It contributed to premature delivery of my oldest. Take care of your mental health too.

youaresoenough

Already on it. Just looking for some support from other mamas who are going through this as well.

pourmeanothermocktail

youaresoenough said:

Already on it. Just looking for some support from other mamas who are going through this as well.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. 

I was afraid after my first was born that I might not end up with a daughter. I was frustrated MOTN when he peed all over everything (silly penis is like a fire hose, and even though I kept it covered during changes, we needed to wipe him down, use another diaper, or change out changing pad cover at least 3 times per day)! I will however relish telling him as a tween or teen how he consistently peed on his own face as an infant. Hugs. Also, tiny 3 year old's using urinals is adorable. And he's still into unicorns and rainbows and being just like mom. He's more my Velcro than his sister. 

lifebydesign

Life with 2 boys is hard, funny, exhausting, and constantly in motion! I have 2 boys 20mo apart at 4&2 right now. When #3 comes they will be 3&4.5. 💙

lifebydesign

Having a third son as well. I was a little disappointed too. Really wanted a girl to have that bond with and for hubby to have a girl too. I know as soon as he gets here all thoughts of a girl will fly away. 

boy_mom3

I feel you mama! I found out we're having our third boy too. Definitely was hoping for some pink and hair bows. The thought of our "band of brothers" is growing on me, and I'm getting excited. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. 

pnkfaerie

I wanted another boy, just found out I'm having a girl. Not happy, not happy with not feeling happy. I just wanted a small army of little dudes.

chaos-and-coffee

I found out today we’re having boy #2 and this is our last baby. My DH surprised me by saying on the way out he was a little bit disappointed we would never have a baby girl. I was so convinced it was a boy it didn’t even cross my mind to consider a girl, I think it was the universes way of making me at peace with being a boy mom. While there is a piece of me that will always want that sweet baby girl, I’m excited at the thought of being team boy. 

kyrwyn

@chaos-and-coffee Boy mom x2 here, too (and done at two, too). We had the same tiny twinges when we found out, and I think I'll always have a little piece that wonders what if... But I'm also super excited for DS1 to get a baby brother. hugs to you.  

msfree2u

I completely understand your frustration. I have 2 boys and a girl already and really wanted another girl, but I am having a 3rd boy. I have been so depressed and in denial and feel so guilty because I have not gotten excited even a little bit and I'm 21 weeks. I don't even have the urge to come up with a name. I have had a girl name pick out since day one smh. And even at the ultrasound I kept asking the tech if she was sure it wasn't just the cord we saw instead of a penis. Idk how to make myself accept this so I can connect with this baby😭😭😭

alli392

@msfree2u I’m the only girl in a family with three boys and I loved it! Having all those brothers to look out for me was awesome, they did a lot of the heavy lifting chores around the house and I got my own things to work on, and I got some really special one on one time with my mom too. Plus all three of my brothers are so different! We did different things together all the time. One always wasa computer guy, one loved anything history and would talk for hours, and the other is one of my best friends even now. I know it’s disappointing for now but there were really so many good things and, as they get older, they’ll each have their own unique things you love about them!

msfree2u

@alli392 i hope my daughter accepts it soon. Right now she's devastated and cries a lot. She wants a tea party partner lol

kyrwyn

@msfree2u Little brothers can be tea party partners! My younger brothers were actually way more interested in whatever I was up to than my younger sister ever was. I hope your daughter's disappointment is short lived once her sibling is here. It's gotta be tough right now to have her disappointment echo your own. 

JessiBride

@msfree2u - my daughter is 8, has an older brother and 7 boy cousins.  She was hoping this one was a girl.  We're having a boy.  She is so thrilled that our mommy/daughter days get to continue being just the two of us and is so excited to snuggle this little boy.  I'm sure she'll come around. 

hayhay2501

I’m happy I’m having another girl but am a bit disappointed. I have two sisters and my sister is pregnant with twin girls. DD is the only other grandchild. I feel like as my baby is due a few weeks after the twins she’ll be an after thought to my family. And I always thought I’d have a son but we’re done with two. 

That being said- I’m also really happy to have another daughter. I just have to let go of the idea of having a son one day (edited for typo)

alisongem

I’m so grateful yet again, for this group of June 2020 mamas. Seeing these posts are so helpful.
i just found out I’m having a boy and of course I’m so excited for a healthy baby boy and I’ll love him so much. But I am so so so disappointed. And I feel like a bad person/mom for even saying that. 

I grew up with a brother 7 years younger than me. We fought 24/7 as kids and we don’t talk now except for at the few family functions he decides to show up to. Anyway, I was already feeling bad about my daughter being almost 5 years older, and now I feel even worse that I’m not giving her a sister. I know, rationally, that it’s hormones and stuff but I’m just frustrated.