BTDT - Questions for STM's

ruby696

Being a FTM can be overwhelming. If you have questions for STM's, ask away!

mokay19

My question is for people who are going to be third+ time moms.... what are recommendations for preparing your first kid for a sibling?

ruby696

@mokay19 we started reading sibling books to DS. Once he got the concept, we told them there was a baby in my belly. We pointed out strangers babies and talked about how cute they were. We always used a positive tone and just acted like assumed he would be excited and he was so lucky to be getting a sibling. We also got a really cool gift from the baby to give to DS when we brought her home. So like, "your sister is here and look what she brought you!" DS loved to help clean so it was a kids mini Dyson. He was in heaven and baby sister got credit.

zaslawlz

How did you deal with people asking names? We don't mind sharing with close friends and family but have already had lots of opinions on our very normal/mainstream names that haven't bothered us at all but I could see it getting to me if they weren't so close to us. As we're a less than a week from second trimester and will be announcing soon- just wondering the different successes on lying or dodging and saying "we haven't decided yet" or "we have a few favorites but are waiting" versus saying the name you have decided on and rolling with whatever comments. 

ruby696

@zaslawlz We don't share names with anyone. We tell people we have a list and we're waiting until we meet baby. The list part is true, but we've decided on a name before both our kids were born. My MIL actually asked to see the list once. We told her we weren't sharing it. We had to be blunt, but some people keep pushing.

pirateduck

@zaslawlz We don’t plan on sharing our names before birth, but I’m think that people ask I will ask if they have any favorite names they’d like us to add to our ongoing list.  People want to be included in the excitement.

mdfarmchick

@mokay19 DS1 was 2.5 when DS2 was born. We talked a lot about there being a baby in Mommy’s belly and how he was going to be the big brother and the big helper. We talked about babies and how they cry when they need things and when they are tired. And we talked a lot about how much Mommy and Daddy loved both of them the most. We watched Season 2 of Daniel Tiger where he gets a sibling. That helped quite a bit. 

The biggest thing was letting him be involved. I took him to appointments with me so he got to see the baby on ultrasounds and hear the heartbeat, which was his favorite. He loved feeling baby kicks and kissing the baby goodnight.

When he came to meet his brother at the hospital, I wasn’t holding the baby so that he got all of my attention at first. My mom has come to stay with him and she paid all of her attention to him first so that he didn’t feel slighted or pushed aside. And we got him some presents from the baby that I gave him spread out over the first month, books, some art supplies, bath stuff like bubbles and colors, and some stuffed animals to snuggle. And I didn’t always respond to the baby first. If he needed me, I let someone else get the baby or I let the baby cry a little. Not like hysterical or for like an hour, but I tried to balance letting both of them get a turn to “go first.” If that makes sense. He also would help with diaper changes so I would ask him to bring diapers or wipes and he felt so important to bring things for the baby. 

mdfarmchick

@zaslawlz we don’t share names. I usually narrow my list down to two names and we like to meet our baby before we decide which name “fits.” I don’t tell anyone names. My MIL and SIL were super upset about that with my first but they got over it. My MIL decided to make suggestions for 2... we used family names for 1, and so she started picking out family names for 2 and suggesting them. My FIL makes no secret of the fact that he thinks we should have had a (name) (name) the third and that’s not ever going to happen so... 🤷🏻‍♀️ My sister makes a list of names that she comes across in her job as an ongoing joke but my family just kind of lets it ride. We did make an exception with DS1, because we named him after my uncle who passed away and told my aunt and cousin just so they wouldn’t be blindsided and then we also told my grandfather the day before he died that we were naming DS2 after him.
Also people tend to not make **as many** ignorant comments about your name choice if there’s already a baby. It doesn’t stop my FIL from swearing we named DS2 after their dogs since his full names can be shortened to the names they use for their dogs but he’s just rude and ignorant. 😡

thepretzelchick

Preparing sibling for baby: DS was 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant. For his first birthday, I got him a baby doll and we named it the same as DD a few weeks later after the anatomy scan. Once I started showing and her movements could be felt on the outside, I'd have him come over and feel her. I'd reiterate that it's Sissy or [her name]. He liked to help me while I was nesting (as much as 1 year olds can/will/want to) so I'd talk about the things we were doing to prepare for Sissy. I wasn't sure he really understood until he came to the hospital and saw her. He pointed at her, pointed at my belly, and pointed back to her. "IT'S SISSY!" She was a pretty chill baby, and he was over the moon for her, so we never had to deal with jealousy or a rough adjustment period. 

Name opinions: I was pretty deadset on names and ignored others' opinions. For DD, we didn't announce her name until she was born, except to immediate family members. The kids' names are in the top 50 for their respective birth years but outside of the top 10, and normal spelling for both. We have names picked out for this one, so either way he or she will have a normal, easily spelled and pronounced, not super popular, not youneek name. We will probably go the route we did with DD and not announced until he or she is born, except to immediate family members. Part of the reasoning I gave with DD, besides wanting to make sure the anatomy scan was right and she didn't secretly have a penis, is that I wanted to meet her first and make sure the name was really hers. For me, that's a legitimate thing to say to Nosy Nancies who want to know your babys name early and will probably have opinions. Just say, "We have some ideas, but we want to meet our baby first and see what fits." 

soprano19

We shared DD's name with our immediate family and closest friends a month or so before she was born. Luckily everyone had the good sense to ooh and aah and tell us how much they loved it. We didn't share it with anyone else until she was born and we did a "world, meet DD" post on social media.

ieles2531

I second Daniel Tiger season 2 with the sibling. The current season where we learn that “all families are different” is nice too.

We named both kids by 20 weeks and referred to them by name to everyone. Ours were also top 50 but not top 10. 

lajoliedreamer

With our first we didn’t tell anyone the gender so that stopped the name question. But we also didn’t put as much effort into names as we should have and when DD was 4 weeks early we weren’t prepared other than a list of potential first names we’d made. It worked out though!

Linsbins

I just straight up said I was superstitious and felt weird about telling the name. I have a friend who was super shamed about her middle name choice, when it was the first name of the husband’s mom who had passed. Telling people I wasn’t going to tell made them not ask more than once.

spiderlover25

For sibling prep- we might be a bit different because DD1 was 3.5 when DD2 was born so she was asking to be a big sister. She had a lot of friends with siblings already. However, we did make sure to give DD1 a lot of attention and we included her in basic baby care like grabbing a toy or diaper, letting her use the washcloth to bathe her sister, etc. We’ve always approached it as- we are all a family and everyone is important and we all help each other. 

For names- we tell people that we are still debating a few names. Sometimes I throw them names that we discussed but decided not to use because it distracts them.

Austenista

DS1 was 18mos when DS2 was born so it was just kind of like “surprise!” Even now at 3 I’m not sure he’d be able to get it. Closer to term we might start chatting with him about it more and more. I did buy him a baby doll to love on that he still periodically will grab and hug, but when they’re little it doesn’t really signify. DS2 will be 22mos so it’s just going to be “surprise!” you’ve got another sibling for him too. 

Names: ours are family names and so we do usually share. It’s hard for anyone to be rude about a family surname. At least it has been in our experience. We’ve had this one named boy or girl for a while so we will decide when we find out and then will tell everyone. 

rox7777

DS1 was 2 when I got pregnant with DS2. We bought him a baby doll and a stroller. He practiced taking care of the baby for months and being gentle. We also got a kitten around that time so he heard the phrase me easy a lot before DS2 was born. DS2 will be 4 next month. We watch a cousins two babies regularly so he knows about babies, but he doesn’t quite understand that we’re going to have our own baby yet. 

As for names. We shared both times. No one is brave enough to be rude to DH or I. We’re kind of jerks. 🤷🏻‍♀️ However everyone is hoping this baby will be a girl and a lot of people are trying to give us opinions on names this time so we will likely keep it secret. People are far more invested in us having a girl than they were with our boys and it’s already annoying to deal with. We also won’t be announcing the sex this time.

jhysmath

We don't share names. I'm sure MH would like to, just like he wants to find out the gender , but I don't give him that choice because he'll tell everyone and I don't want that. My family can be very critical about names and I've seen them in action with all the babies before ours so I knew not to. My cousin had a baby 5 months after me and I warned her that they were like that, and she'd text me ideas and honestly ask for my opinion and I'd just tell her I love it and not listen to the family that it's her baby and she's the only one that gets to decide. She ended up naming her baby a name that rhymes with DD and our family was up in arms that she can't name her baby that because it's almost the same as mine, she kept telling them the only person who's opinion she cared about was mine and I was OK with the name. 

Like someone above said, they are much less likely to have opinions if baby is already here and named. 

chewie5990

I guess we are odd out - but we had our name set as soon as we knew DS was going to be a boy and we shared with anyone who asked. I never received any negative comments or had to deal with any issues - I could definitely tell some people didn’t really like the name, but I guess everyone we know is way too polite to make a negative comment. I feel like sharing the name with confidence shut down all the annoying “you should name him/her this” conversations. It was also nice because at the baby shower everyone knew the name and so we got a lot of cute personalized things and keepsakes. Also a lot of books with personalized notes to my son which he absolutely loves reading now and thinks it’s cool that he was in my belly and everyone already loved him so much.

zaslawlz

@all GREAT insight on the names and it's helpful to know which different "circle" I should use which with! @chewie5990  I think the confidence factor has a lot to do with it, and like others said the possibility of if it's on the top 100 but out of top 10 is a good consideration to gauge what people's reactions may be.

drkoyya

@chewie5990 Thanks for your insight! The child will be named after me or my husband so we’ll be sharing the names with anyone that asked (Zachary or Charlize). We also had these names picked out for a while so a handful of close friends already know.  

I told my mom when she asked and I was surprised that she had something to say about Charlize. It is uncommon but still a recognizable feminine version of Charles. We also love Charlize because it has a “z” and my first name starts with a “z”. It captures both parents. I’m mostly surprised because the name she gave me is completely out in left field with a spelling that everyone messes up. My name also has no meaning (that anyone can remember). At least Charlize is recognizable and meaningful. If it is a girl, my mom has already committed to call her Charlie instead 🙄 I don’t anticipate getting much push back from anyone else, but it’s no surprise that my mom is the difficult one. 

lulam13

How do you deal with unsolicited advice? Do you just roll with it?

bananapanda

I'm with @rox7777 I'm pretty sure nobody would've had the balls to tell me to my face that they hated my daughter's name even if they did lol I've been told I can be intimidating.  But also I think if it's a more common/normal name you're a lot less likely to get negative comments than if you pick something really out there. 

stella_700

Strangely enough my dad is the one that had firm opinions on a names. We had a short list that we shared with close friends and family. There was one name that he loved. He’s already begun advocating for that girl name we didn’t use with the twins. 

We got a lot of unsolicited advice when the twins were born. I just smiled and said that DH and I need to find what works for our new family.

drkoyya

When did you start to look for and interview daycares? 

We won’t need regular childcare until Fall 2021 when my workload increases, but I’ve been told that we should start looking now.

ruby696

@drkoyya I already have the twins on a wait list. It's a bit of a formality since DS and DD have both gone there, and so they will make room for the twins, but I didn't want to risk waiting. Spots fill up early at our center. Depending on how long you plan to stay home, start dates should be in August. So if you're waitlisted early, you should hope have a spot for the fall session. 

pirateduck

@drkoyya talk to women who live near you (or work near you). Here the wait list is over a year!  It’s pretty crazy.  There are way more kids that need care than there are available spots.  Having flexibility with what days you need care could help your chances.

adventuresawait2

@drkoyya where I am the waitlist for daycare is about a year, so it’s helpful to get on some early to have some options. We did it at 3 months with DD and some daycares were already saying we were late to the game (which is crazy...) We ended up getting offered two spots and visiting both again to make a decision. I feel like once you have the baby you notice different things when you visit. 

Re names, we didn’t tell anyone. We only had it narrowed down to a few anyway. Family members pressed on what I liked, but we didn’t share anything since my siblings were also about to have babies. I made the mistake of mentioning a name we liked but didn’t use for DD (because of an initial issue) after the fact and my sister used it for her DD, which really annoyed me. So, lesson learned. 

mokay19

@lulam13 I’m extremely sarcastic and blunt. So when people would give unsolicited (and often rude) advice, then I’d make some smartass remark back. It always makes them feel uncomfortable and usually makes them realize to STFU. 

spiderlover25

@drkoyya we asked our daycare when we should add this one to the waitlist and they said they’re currently booking spots for next July. However, infant spots are harder and if you won’t need it until 2021, your DC will be over 1 and that can sometimes be easier. Things can change in 2 years so I would probably wait a bit. 

Linsbins

@lulam13 I can barely make it through the day while pregnant so when people ask stupid or rude questions, I lose all patience. I’ve already had one tummy pat, and I just said, what makes you think that’s okay? It just slips out because I’m so exasperated already, and no one wants to fight a pregnant lady. There’s some common questions or comments you might get, so preplanning a response can be helpful. I was also really scared of labor, so I was worried about people telling me horror stories. So I had a response planned if a stranger started talking to me. That was helpful. 

catem07

We don't share names. 

drkoyya It depends where you live and what kind of care you're looking for. IME, even in cities home daycares don't tend to keep waitlists, you just have to get lucky a month or three before you need care. For centers, I don't think it ever hurts to look early. We got my A17 baby on a waitlist in O16 to start July 17. Found out in Feb she had a spot. This new baby, I already emailed my daughter's current daycare to get a spot in November 2020. 

heyybritt

I'm seeing a few of you mention your home dopplers - is it generally recommended to get one for peace of mind?

chewie5990

@heyybritt my last OB recommended not getting a home doppler - I'm not exactly skilled in where to look and the home dopplers aren't as sensitive and if I can't find a heartbeat baby can be completely fine and I end up just giving myself more anxiety. However, I know plenty of people have them and use them, but it's definitely not something for me. Luckily once baby starts moving you have daily evidence that they're in there.

heatherlynn321

@heyybritt I've also heard of doctors not recommending them because sometimes there really is something wrong, but you use it and pick up your own heartbeat, so you think everything is fine even though the baby is in distress and you should go to the doctor. 

heyybritt

@chewie5990 @heatherlynn321 both of those reasons definitely make sense. I think I'd just make myself anxious but was curious what STMs thought. Thanks!!

ruby696

@heyybritt I enjoy having one, but limit it to once a week and don't use it at all after I can feel movement. *TW* After so many losses, I find it reassuring. *End TW* But I can absolutely see how it might make things more stressful for those with a different history. 

catem07

@heyybritt I didn’t get one and won’t for this pregnancy. BUT they are often FSA eligible so if you have leftover FSA money at the end of 2019...

soprano19

@drkoyya I think it depends on the type of care you're looking for (one-on-one nanny, in-home center, etc.). DD goes to daycare at one of the elementary schools in H's district, and we were late to the game getting a spot, so she didn't actually start until she was 10 months old. We had a part-time nanny and grandparents help out until then. Our daycare suggests getting on the waitlist when you are 3 months pregnant, so we'll be doing that in a few weeks.

mokay19

@heyybritt I’m like ruby696 and it gives me a piece of mind. I didn’t feel my DD move until 22 weeks so it was very nice being able to listen to the heartbeat most of the 2nd trimester to reassure me. 

heyybritt

@mokay19 @ruby696 that's a good perspective too. Maybe I'll see how far along I get without feeling movement and decide from there.

lajoliedreamer

I had an anterior placenta with my first so didn’t feel that much movement. For those STMs who had posterior placentas, when should I expect to feel movement? I asked the tech at my u/s a few weeks ago and though it was early, she said it looked like the placenta was forming posterior this time.