Paternity Leave

caponey

Has anyone started thinking about paternity leave for your partner? How many weeks will your partner take? For those STMs, is there an ideal number of weeks to have your partner home helping before you have to go it alone? Will your partner use vacation time, FMLA, paid leave, or something else?

shamrocandroll

MH works at a huge worldwide corporation and got no paternity leave benefits for DS.  Fortunately, he's also been there for almost 20 years and gets almost 5 weeks of vacation time.  So, he was able to take off 3 paid weeks off to be at home with me.  We were originally planning on 2, but then DS had feeding issues and I had to pump and bottle feed, which was pretty much a full time job for two of us (I pumped while he bottle fed him), so he took the extra week while we tried to figure that all out.  

They recently instituted 2 weeks of paid parental leave, so he'll probably take at least that this time.  This baby will be born in a much nicer part of the year, so maybe he'll take a couple extra weeks.  We haven't really gotten to that point in our planning yet.  I'd love to have him for 4 weeks, but I know he was VERY ready to go back after 2 last time. 

mokay19

MH had off 2 weeks before he had to go out of town for a few weeks last time. That was a good amount of time for us to help out a bunch while I worked to get my milk to come in. Then once it was in, she was on the boob like 80% of the day anyway haha
This time around, he won’t have anything. However, he works 3 minutes from our house and can work remotely if needed so I would assume he’d take a week off using vacation and then kind of come and go over the next couple weeks. 
We’ll be keeping DD in daycare even during maternity leave so I’ll only have have to wrangle one at a time ☺️

ruby696

With DS, MH took 8 weeks off. With DD, he took 4. This time, I don't have paid leave. I'm hoping we can set aside enough money so I can stay home for 3 months and then he can stay home for the last month. Otherwise I might only get two and then he'll get two. With four kids. And twins. 😬

ieles2531

MH is an ED physician and his group structure means no paid time off period. They have to work a certain number of shifts per year to stay full time, so whatever he takes off he will have to make up. We also live in SWFL, which is a VERY seasonal location, so I basically kiss him goodbye at Thanksgiving and welcome him home at Easter. 

For our our first kid, we knew she was gonna be a planned c-section because at my 37 week ultrasound she was already 8lb 8oz. He wound up taking 10 days off starting April 1 (she was born April 2). Definitely could have used another week because I was still recovering from the C. 

For the second kid, we’d planned to have another c-section so he took 2 weeks off. I ended up able to have a VBAC so the recovery was WAY easier and honestly if everything had gone correctly I wouldn’t have needed him home longer than a week. 

For this kid, we’ll plan his leave after we get the results of our echo on 12/4. If all goes well he will probably take 2 weeks again, maybe even 3 because it won’t be Season. Not sure if I’ll be able to have another VBAC (my son was small because of his heart defect) but I’m hoping so. 

shamrocandroll

@mokay19 Oooh, yes, good point!  I 100% plan to still send DS to daycare.  That way we can keep our spot.  I also think it will be good for him to have at least one thing stay consistent during what I'm sure will be a big transition for him.  Plus yeah, someone else can handle his energy for 9ish hours a day.    

chewie5990

Last time DH took about 2.5 weeks off paid vacation - which was great - I felt pretty confident with him going back to work at that point. This year though he will probably only take one week off. He works PRN as an Occupational Therapist and so he gets zero vacation days or benefits. Also my family is close by now, so I feel like I will have plenty extra help if I need it. 

pirateduck

I do not have paid maternity leave from my current job and my husband is an independent contractor so he does not have any form of paid time off ever.  Any day he chooses not to work or any time he has between projects is unpaid.  We will do what we can afford to and play it by ear.  Fortunately he has a good working relationship with the various people he does work for and will have the flexibility to take as much or as little time as needed/wanted provided we can pay our bills.  I have better benefits at my job than anywhere I ever worked but it kills me that companies in the US do not have to offer any kind of paid maternity leave.  I get 12 weeks unpaid FMLA, if I have any vacation hours saved up in May, then part of that 12 weeks would be paid those hours, but really depends how much time I need to take between now and then as sick days or for doctor appointments etc.  

bananapanda

With our daughter DH asked his company about taking FMLA just to take a couple weeks off unpaid since he didn't have much vacation yet (had only been there a few years).  His boss basically acted like he was dumb and told him that's not something men do at their company.  I'm sure we could've fought this with HR because his company definitely qualifies for FMLA, but it's one of those things where even if he "legally" could take the time off he would've been retaliated against in some way.  So he had about 5 vacation days left which he used while I was induced and in labor, and then had about 2 days at home with us, but it was a very busy time at work so he actually had to work from home about half of those days he was home.  He did end up working from home a couple extra days just to be there but wasn't very useful.  It was honestly really rough.  Thankfully my mom took a few weeks off to stay with us which I really needed with my PPD/Baby Blues/whatever the heck I was going through.  I didn't want anyone around except DH and my mom. 

This time around DH has an extra week of vacation, but I'm still not sure with planning how it will work out.  I'm hoping he can at least take a week, but I doubt it will be much more than that  

rachelg777

With my DS MH was technically “deployed” (but still in the states) so he was working incredibly long hours. Thankfully his team was awesome and were able to arrange 5 days off for him over the weekend. It was enough for us. This time who knows since he will have a summer internship...  I think we will also keep DS’s spot in daycare though so that should help. 

I don’t have any benefits with my current position. So- no idea what I will do for leave but hoping to figure that out when I eventually tell my employer. 

emlettuce

I'm a SAHM but my husband works in tech and his company has very generous paternity leave. He can take up to 20 weeks paid leave within the first year so he'll probably take a couple weeks when baby is born and then take off all of July and August when DS is out of school.

pirateduck

@emlettuce I am definitely jealous as our maternity leave isn't even close to that good!  What country are you in?

emlettuce

@pirateduck We're in the US, he works in NYC. As soon as his company announced it last year I told him I was ready for another baby...he disagreed 

ruby696

@pirateduck I'm in CA and we can file for disability with that state for a portion of our salary. You get it for six weeks with a vaginal birth and eight weeks with a c-section. Then my employer paid the rest. You might want to see if you qualify for disability in your state.

pirateduck

Not in Colorado 

mdfarmchick

With my first, there was no paternity leave technically but his boss worked things around so he could take some time off to be with us in between events at work. With DS2, my water broke at 36 weeks and we ended up having a very long induction. Both his boss and the group commander encouraged him to take 5-6 weeks off. Paternity leave was technically 3 weeks but they worked out the days somehow and didn’t count the five days in the hospital either. This time he has a different job and a new boss so I would assume he should get the three weeks and it may be less or not taken all at the same depending on how busy things are at work. 
My mom was able to come for four days with my first because she worked with the elementary school and he was born over Labor Day weekend. She has since retired and she will come out with this one for about the same amount of time as she did with my second—10ish days. Ideally, if we don’t have another early baby, she will watch the boys while we are at the hospital and then stay about a week after that to help everyone transition. My ILs usually visit for about a week during the first month. They are less than helpful and my rule is that MH has to be home while they are here because my FIL sucks. 

rox7777

MH had 4 weeks when he was military. He actually waited to use it and we combined it with leave (overseas at the time) and went home for a few weeks when DS1 was 3 months old. It was a nice and honestly one kid wasn’t too bad to handle alone (fairly easy birth). DS2 he was transitioning out of the military and didn’t qualify for benefits at new job so he got the day of my emergency CS and the day after, my mom was a saint and took DS1 for a week so I could recover. It was hard still, but I managed two. 

He has 2 weeks leave this time. We’re hoping for a VBAC and DS1 will still have 3 weeks or more left of school, so he’ll probably have to take the first week to do school pick up/drop off while I can’t drive. And hopefully combine the other week plus PTO for summer when I might go crazy with a 7 and 4 year old and a newborn.

pirateduck

Wait...  @rox7777 you said while you can't drive...  is there a period of time after birth that we are not allowed to drive?  This is news to me and definitely changes the way we may plan for things.

rachelg777

@pirateduck after a CS it is advised that you wait to drive until your incision is healed enough that it does not cause sharp pain if you were to slam on the breaks. And definitely no driving while on narcotics post surgery. I didn’t have a c section so maybe someone else can chime in with how long the wait actually is.

rox7777

@pirateduck I was told to wait a week with both of my boys. One was vaginally and one was c section. You also have to take baby to the pediatrician within 3 days of being discharged from hospital. Something to keep in mind! 

soprano19

My H stayed home a week and a half after DD was born. It was a really nice time for us and I have a lot of positive memories of the immediate postpartum period because of it. I wouldn’t say I was ready for him to go back to work, but DD and I did fine once he did.

queenklau

DH did not have any paternity leave at his last job, he was able to take a few days to be with me in the hospital and then one day when we came home. Thankfully my mom was here visiting and she was a huge help for the first month of DDs life. DH is now a SAHD so we both will be home together this time around. Let’s see how it plays out!

Linsbins

Dh was able to take two weeks paid vacation but that’s it. My mom was around so that much easier. I just needed help so I could sleep. My kid did not like being put down for the first six weeks of life.

jhysmath

MH took off the 3 days I was in the hospital for DD then finished up the last 3 weeks of school and we both have the summer off. He was pretty useless, part of me wishes he had to go to work. I'm hoping this time around he'll be better. He was going through a lot with his dog dying and having to make the decision to put him down. He's in a much better place now. 

I'm currently working on negotiating for our district and trying to sneak in language about it you take FMLA leave you can use your sick time for it and get paid. Currently MH is only allowed 5 sick days for paternity leave and I'm allowed 30. If I can sneak this language in you could really take 12 work weeks off and be paid so that with summer break could be 20 weeks. 

ieles2531

@pirateduck I was told to wait two weeks after my C with DD because if you are in an accident, you could hit the wheel with your incision and cause a lot of trauma. With my VBAC I wasn’t given any restrictions, but you might if you have an epidural. 

wolie

My husband gets 2 weeks paid leave, and we’re planning for him to take more like 4 weeks off with me, using either vacation or UTO and a bit of our savings.

Oddly enough, if we adopt a kid he gets 4 weeks, but only 2 for if we have a biological child...

charmedlifex3

My birth was actually instrumental in changing the policy at DH's work. For my son's birth, he got three days, then the weekend. Born on Wednesday, we went home on Saturday, I was re hospitalized Monday. They wouldn't let me keep my son with me in the hospital, so my parents took turns "visiting" with my baby. My husband was working 12 hour shifts and trying to come see his newborn and close to death wife in his "off time" 
Enough of his story reached the VP in France, that on his next local tour he cornered my husband and got the details. He was HORRIFIED. So he implemented a company wide (multi billion dollar global company ) 12 week paternity leave, at 100%.  Starting on day 1 of employment. 
 10 weeks has to be taken together, with up to three prior to birth, and two weeks can be delayed up to a year.
I'll probably have a planned C section at 37 weeks, so he will plan to take off two weeks before, eight after, and two weeks when I return to work, at 16 weeks after birth. 

babyodo

I am due two weeks before MH qualifies for unpaid paternity leave under FMLA, so I think he'll wind up using whatever accrued time off he has by then to take as paternity leave. His parents are planning on flying down from MA and staying with us to help out for a while after the baby is born (the plan is one month, possibly longer). We invited them so it's not an imposition. We both want them here.

I get 82 days of maternity leave, and it kicks in the day we are discharged from the hospital. I can add on whatever earned leave I have on the books, as well. I currently have 22.5 days as of the end of this month, and will earn 20 more days between now and when the baby is born, but I have to take into account the leave I plan to take for the holidays, so when all is said and done I'll probably have around 30 days that I can tack on to my maternity leave if I want to exhaust all that, which I most likely will.

sunshinesea22

@jhysmath I hope you can work in some more paid leave benefits
@whatsbumpinpumpkin Wow, so sorry to hear about your scary postpartum experience but glad it ended up resulting in some positive changes. Perhaps we can start a thread closer to May to discuss potential complications. Not to be an alarmist, but more to talk about the realistic challenges of childbirth.

MH works at a local children’s hospital and when he asked his supervisor about paternity leave, he was told “most guys usually take 2 weeks.” They weren’t helpful with what he is actually ALLOWED to take, or if it’s an additional benefit or if he has to use his accrued PTO. I’ve asked him to check with HR, but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to ask any questions.

charmedlifex3

@sunshinesea22 I am happy to share what I would have done differently, I  don't want to scare any FTM's - But I am pretty open about advocating for high quality medical care on site, and knowing what the contingency plans are - if everything goes sideways, who is going to save my life? What is most important to keep in the birth plan?

My son did skin to skin for two hours with my husband, and they let him latch as soon as I was out of surgery (still unconscious)  - both of those were things I had put into my birth plan because I am a crazy type A planner, but we ended up needing those plans. #maternalnearmisssurvivor 

diagonalley

DH is really bad at taking time off.  He gets 2 days of vacation per month and 1 day of sick time per month.  Vacation accrues to 30 days and then he loses what he doesn't use.  Sick accumulates forever, I believe.  He's close to his 30 days now and since we don't have vacation planned between now and DD, I imagine he will be at 30 by that time.  I'd REALLY like him to take at minimum 2 weeks, if not longer.  He's really bad about using time if he has it.  I think he feels guilty about not being at work.  He needs to care less about them and more about us, IMO (not that I think he doesn't care about us, but come on man, take advantage of the time YOU EARNED).  Definitely planning on sending the older 2 to day care at least one day a week for the summer, and maybe even a week or two of summer camp for the older one, at least closer to the beginning.  I imagine they will be bored with a newborn around!

shamrocandroll

@yodamama Unsolicited STM tip:  I would save yourself some paid time off if you plan to send LO to daycare.  DS made it exactly 4 days in daycare before he got RSV and had to stay home sick.  Granted, he started daycare in February, but just be prepared for either you or YH to have to stay home with the baby fairly often for the first winter.  

jhysmath

@shamrocandroll DD went back in September, in December between MH and I we took off 6 days 2 days for puking and 4 for RSV. Luckily she was healthy enough the RSV was more cold like than dangerous, but even with just 3 babies being watched at my friends house she caught it. Make sure to have time off for the sick baby. 

shamrocandroll

@jhysmath Ugh, the worst!  DS had never been sick before the RSV, but that hit him hard enough that he's had virus induced asthma ever since he got it at 13 weeks old.   

m6agua

I'm going to start with my first pregnancy *TW* which was a loss. I knew the loss was going to happen, I just didn't know when. I asked HR if they had any kind of bereavement policy for a miscarriage. They didn't, but they did allow me to take 3 days paid bereavement after my loss. I miscarried on a Sunday and then had the next 3 days off paid. I don't remember what DH had off with that, but he works retail so his schedule is all over the place. I do remember being with him at least for 1 of those 3 days. *end TW*

With my second pregnancy I took the full 12 weeks through FMLA and got "6" weeks paid through STD at 70%. Technically only 5 weeks were paid, because the first is a waiting week and I had to use PTO. Then I was required to use any remaining PTO for the rest of the time after the 5 paid. So basically I was forced to go back starting with 0 PTO. DH's work didn't have any paternity leave, he used 2 weeks of vacation/sick time. Then for the next 4 weeks he continued to use vacation/sick time, but started out going to work for 1 day, then 2 days, then 3, then 3, then back to full time. So overall he was home from November 20 through the new year, but did work some days in the last 4 weeks.

This time around I have a new job. I plan on taking the full 12 again, 6 will be paid at 55% and the rest unpaid. DH's work instated a paternity leave policy at the beginning of 2019. So he will now get 4 weeks paid. I'm not sure what time he will take off besides that. I just found out my mom is fully retiring in March, so I'm guessing she will be open to come and help me out. We only live 15 minutes away from her.

catem07

My husband got 4 weeks with our first, which he took right away. He also took 2 weeks of vacation (he had a ton accrued) after I went back to work. This time around he only gets 2 weeks which he has to be FMLA eligible to use and I'm due two weeks before he is eligible so he's going to take two weeks vacation after the birth and then take his 2 weeks paid after I go back to work at 8 or 12 weeks (I get 8 weeks paid). We're hoping to have my mom do a month or two of childcare before starting daycare.

charmedlifex3

@shamrocandroll Truth! I went back and neither of us really had any PTO left, and my son was sent home from daycare twice with fevers in the first month. 
The other thing I would do - in hind sight, and probably will. I would try to go back part time first, if that is an option. Going from home ALL the time, to 40 - 60 hours a week, plus commute, was jarring. Even if that meant going back at 10 weeks, rather than 12, I would go half days the first week or two.