This may end up just being a vent, and I’m sorry. Please tell me I’m not the only person feeling this way. 🙈
My partner and I haven’t been intimate in any way almost since conceiving in early April. Despite recognizing the normalcy in lack of intimacy during pregnancy and understanding where it can originate or how to handle it, nothing changes the gut-wrenching longing and aching loneliness of being undesirable to my partner and best friend.
Since becoming pregnant, I have been extremely sick with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It’s been an... unattractive... complication in every single possible way. Constant vomiting, forcefully urinating myself, endless hospital visits, and absolutely no energy or motivation for self-care basics — despite how desperately and often I needed a shower and a change of clothes.
We don’t even sleep in the same room or bed anymore because of how unpredictable my sleep and sickness is; and how small our current double bed is for two adults/one pregnant girl.
I am now nearing 17 weeks and with medication and regular hospital visits, my HG is under control. My partner was still interested in me when this had all started, and I was finally feeling able and eager to make love to him again.
Last week, I pulled out all of the stops. Before he came home from work, I showered and shaved, exfoliated, oiled up, did my nails, was able to do my makeup, and perfected some “intentionally unintentional” messy curls. I scrubbed my entire damn mouth and downed half a bottle of listerine. I put on lingerie and a silk robe, made the bed up with new sheets, and sprawled out on the bed.
When he saw me, he said “hey babe,” as usual and then walked right by me. I gave him a moment... but he passed me again to leave our bedroom and announced “I’m going to make some burgers for dinner”.
I felt like a slowly deflating balloon. Like you could actually hear a small, shrill whine as all of the energy and hopefulness emptied from my body. I wiped off my (now) ridiculous half-assed face and threw on comfy clothes. We spent the night watching The Office, and passively talking about our day.
Fast-forward to today.
I was very flirtatious and suggestive with my partner all day. Sunday is our day off together and usually our date day. Still feeling on top of my game, I made an effort to look attractive and put on a new dress.
All day, he was complimenting me and reciprocating the gestures and passes I made. I even bluntly asked a few times if I was going to “get lucky” tonight and he playfully teased that I might.
After a great day, we were cuddled on our living room couch watching TV. I made a move on him, and he did not get aroused... AT ALL. I tried a few times more. Nothing.
Eventually, I asked if he wanted to make love. He told me he couldn’t; that when he looks at me, he thinks only about our baby.
I feel like I’ve lost all value. I feel like I’ve lost all appeal. I feel like I am not worthy or lovable or desirable as a person. I feel like my partner is only ever going to see our child now, and never see me.
I’m not ready to be unseen, and I’m not ready to lose my partner and my best friend.
At the same time, I don’t want to resent my pregnancy or our baby. But I do. I hate what it has stolen from me. I hate that it has given nothing back yet. I hate that it has destroyed me. I hate that it has changed me; and changed my relationship. I hate that I may never be desired or sexy or attractive or seductive again.
The worst and most hurtful part to me is that he still VERY OFTEN, including after we went to our separate rooms, pleasures himself. Often, to other women and porn... and while I cry and feel inconsolably alone just across our home.
I feel like I will never be close to the man I love again; and intimacy is one of the most important aspects of a relationship to me. I feel so crushed and disconnected. It makes me feel totally alone in the world.
I no longer have the answers and I am defeated.