PGAL check-in

kindbytealikat

*TW* This thread discusses loss

We haven’t checked in with each other in a long time. Just wondering how everyone is doing now that we’re at the half way mark at least.

Feel free to remind us of your loss history and current stats.

kindbytealikat

HX: 2 early losses between 8/17 and 1/18
Currently-22 weeks tomorrow with a girl.

You know I’m doing pretty okay but not great if we’re being honest. I really thought once we got passed 20 weeks it would be like this automatic release of all the worry. Well that hasn’t been the case for me. I find myself stressing over the amount/or lack thereof of kicks now. DS was never an extreme mover so idk why I stress. I guess it also doesn’t help that she isn’t growing quite like they expect so that’s stressing. A mom in my BMB with DS had a baby with severe IUGR and he was delivered around 28 weeks, I’m terrified of ending up there. Ugh sorry for the novel, I hope everyone else is in better headspace than I.

obsessedwithoranges

@kindbytealikat i completely understand. I keep thinking I'll feel better after I reach a certain stage but I never do. 

I finally have my anatomy scan today and I'm so nervous I feel like I'm going to be sick. I made it past my MC which was 16 weeks so I kept expecting to feel relief and I just don't. Hopefully today's scan will put me at ease for a few days.

galentine

@kindbytealikat, I'm sorry you aren't in a good headspace and lack of kicks are worrying you. Hopefully in the next few weeks, baby's movement will pick up and give you more frequent reassurance that she's ok.

@obsessedwithoranges, I was so glad to see your update in the A/S thread. I hope the good scan helps your confidence. ❤

As for me, my history includes one very early loss in November last year. Got my BFP with this babe 2 cycles later. I always feel a little uncomfortable joining in on the PGAL threads, because I haven't dealt with nearly as much as others. But I wanted to offer support and also commiserate with something I've been struggling with.

Someone mentioned yesterday (in the Randoms thread maybe?), struggling with whether to say this is her first pregnancy or not. This one really gets me every time I'm asked. My go-to is to say yes, this is my first pregnancy, because I doubt the asker wants to know the details and I honestly don't want to go into them. But it breaks my heart a little each time to "lie," because that first LO mattered too, and it feels unfair not to acknowledge them. I'm especially struggling with what to write in my belly book/pregnancy journal. There is a line on the first page of the book that says "This is my ___ pregnancy." I can't bear to fill it in, because neither 1st nor 2nd really feels right.

emily1052

@kindbytealikat I’m sorry you’re still feeling stressed.  Do you think it will be this way the whole pregnancy?  Are you okay if it is?  Have you talked to your OB about your concerns?  

@obsessedwithoranges I’m so thankful for your good scan today and I really hope it is giving you some relief from the worries.  

@galentine your obviously very welcome to join in.  No ones loss is greater than another’s.  We all need the support. 
When it comes to explaining how many times I’ve been pregnant I answer according to my audience.  I only share my losses with those I’m comfortable with or medical professionals.  I’m just not ready and maybe never will be completely comfortable sharing it with the world.  I think it’s pretty normal to feel like you do considering the situation.  

Sending hugs to all all three of you! ❤️

emily1052

History:
Early loss September 2017
Ectopic pregnancy discovered at 10 weeks resulting in the loss of my right Fallopian tube in January 2018

Today I’m 23weeks 6days pregnant with a baby boy. 

I’ve been doing pretty good until I had to deal with a clueless insurance lady that asked me questions.  I just feel like she could have asked those questions in a different order so that I didn’t have to admit out loud that I have no living children. 😕  
 

prpl11butterfly

@kindbytealikat thank you for posting. I've been meaning to and have failed. I feel you on thinking a magic veil would be lifted. Has your Dr done any more checks to see if your dealing with IUGR?

@galentine it is a tricky subject to broach re # of pregnancies. I've decided to make it a point to tell everyone about my history. When someone asks me if it's my first (child) I answer them by saying second because this is my second living child. Generally if the talk leans towards actual pregnancies, I tell them 5. I don't feel like I'm "forgetting" the babies I lost or that they don't matter. I don't feel like my "cp" counts any less them my MMs. They were all losses, no matter the time frame in which they occur.


History- 3 losses in 2018 MMC diagnosed at 11wks in March, CP in Septn MMC diagnosed at 9wks in Nov

I feel like I'm doing pretty good. I definitely feel like I'm having more anxiety issues in general though being PGAL. Feeling her move has helped with the loss related issues but I am having issue outside of pregnancy as well. I still feel odd being at this point (3wks away from viability....). For a while I didn't think I'd ever get here again and it's very surreal. Of course I feel like anything can happen now and I want my state of ignorant bliss back so I can relax and enjoy pregnancy and start connecting with this baby. I feel like with DS that came so naturally but now I'm having to tell myself constantly to try because she IS coming. I'm worried that I may suffer from PPD or PPA once shes here as well. Then I have added anxiety because I really want to nurse again but not sure I'll be able to if I need to be on meds. It's a vicious cycle.

This got unexpectedly ramble-y, sorry....

kindbytealikat

@emily1052 I have not brought it up with my OB, I probably should. I honestly don’t have much faith in her regarding mental health, based on my poor PPD experience with her before. I am a stressed individual anyway. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think I still have trouble with admitting and asking for help. 
Also I’m so sorry about this insurance lady, that’s so hard and I agree the order should have been different.

@prpl11butterfly Nobody has said the words IUGR yet. I’m getting U/S at every appointment with MFM and he keeps saying. Well we’re losing more growth so we’ll keep watching that closely. 

mrsinterweb

@kindbytealikat thank you for posting this thread. I am feeling similarly in that I keep wondering when the worry will go away, but it doesn't. Obviously doesn't help that we have issues from our AS keeping the worry alive as well.

Some days I am fine, but others I go down the google rabbit hole and imagine all the worse case scenarios and I just can't help it. MH doesn't seem to do any of this and I envy how carefree he is about it all. The logical part of me knows that fretting will not help anything, but the emotional side just can't help itself. 

melanier26

prpl11butterfly said:

Of course I feel like anything can happen now and I want my state of ignorant bliss back so I can relax and enjoy pregnancy and start connecting with this baby. I feel like with DS that came so naturally but now I'm having to tell myself constantly to try because she IS coming.

I can relate to this so much. I may go back to my therapist to I guess...process the fact that he will be here in 17ish weeks. I almost feel like the doctor will hand me the baby and I’ll be like, where did this come from? Like my brain won’t acknowledge the pregnancy as a self preservation thing

Also sending love/hugs to all of you right now ❤️ PGAL is terrible, no matter when your loss(es) occurred or how long ago they happened

obsessedwithoranges

@melanier26 I can relate to this exactly... it’s like I purposely can’t let myself connect to this baby until he/she gets here and I have this fear that when baby does I’ll just be like what? I have a baby now? 

Have yet yet to start registry/nursery/purchase a single baby item. I won’t even read a baby book till I hit viability. I swear PGAL makes me straight up crazy. 

@kindbytealikat I am also at risk for IUGR and my MFMs office has told me if I ever feel exceptionally worried I can just schedule an appt and go in. Do you think you’d be able to ask your drs about that? 

@emily1052 I pretty much say this Is my first pregnancy unless I’m talking to someone I know better. It makes me sad when I do this, but it feels so heavy to just get into with strangers. 

@mrsinterweb the google rabbit hole is the worst! I’m thinking of you and praying that everything goes smoothly and it all ends up being nothing.