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August 2019 Moms
aukeev
member
Plans for visitors after baby
aukeev
member
With [almost] all of us in the third trimester, we're probably starting to think more about L&D and bringing our sweet babies home. Part of the joy of babies is how they bring people together, but crowds can also feel overwhelming to new families. Let's use this thread to organize our plans, questions, hopes and fears of handling visitors after our little ones arrive, both in the hospital and in those first few days/weeks after we go home.
Re: Plans for visitors after baby
My plan is to have my mom with us for the birth and to stay for about 10ish days after that. My dad will come for part of that time too. I’m planning on having them stay with us. I worry about this being too many people in a confined space, so I’m keeping the option of getting them a hotel room for two nights in the middle of this open.
Then, I plan to have 5ish days with no visitors before MH’s dad and partner come for a couple of days. Then, we’ll have a two week break before MH’s aunt and uncle come for a couple of days and another week break before my aunt comes for 5 days. That gets us through the end of September. MH will be home with her for two weeks in Oct/Nov when I go back to work, so I’m leaving it up to him if he wants to ask his fam for help during that time. Obviously we’ll have visitors during the day throughout (especially during college football Saturdays). To make this less stressful, I plan to ask our housekeeper to come more often than she currently does, perhaps weekly instead of every third week.
Ideally, this is my goal/plan, and it probably makes me sound like a complete recluse...
In the hospital: We will call my parents when I go into labor at home. Since they have a full day's drive, and we'd like my mom to be there to help me through delivery (she was a Bradley coach for 15+ years), we want to give them as much notice as possible. My mom will be in L&D with us, but knows we will want the first couple of hours with DS to ourselves right after he gets here.
Assuming everything is going smoothly and we don't have any scary complications, we will call DH's parents when I'm close to delivering and let them know we will call them again after we have had a couple of hours to bond with Everett.
We have one couple we are inseparable with and DH will probably text them when we're headed to the hospital. They will come to the hospital later that day after he's born (we just went through the same drill with their baby born in March).
Both of DH's grandmothers are local, and we will probably have his mother bring them up to the hospital on the second day for a quick visit.
We won't announce his arrival publicly/on social media until we are going home. We have a very well-meaning group of older folks at our church who have a habit of setting up a full-blown visiting committee anytime someone is in the hospital (it's even more intense with new babies), and I desperately want to avoid them all being in and out at the hospital... especially because they're face kissers/don't understand the concept of germs and privacy in general.
Once we get home: My parents will stay at our house while we're in the hospital, but my dad will have to head back home for work after just a couple of days. My mom is planning on staying with us after our first night home for about a week to help with visitors/cooking/dogs/cleaning/in general. Her mother did this for her with all of her pregnancies and basically played gatekeeper for drop-in visitors. Since my mom doesn't know anyone in our town, it will be easier for her to be the "bad guy" and let unannounced visitors know that baby and/or I are sleeping/feeding and to schedule another time. DH will feel obligated to entertain if he is the one to answer.
Once we've had a couple of days at home we'll probably welcome visitors (assuming they're not sick) at home.
My mom will jump in the car as soon as we tell her we're on our way to the hospital. If she makes it on time she will be in the room for delivery, if not, not. She lives 4 hours away, and was at DS#1's birth, but DS#2 came too fast and she didn't make it. Unless there is a work emergency my father will come down with her, spend the day, and then drive back home. She will stay for a week or two to help out. While I'm in the hospital she and DH will take turns staying in the hospital and helping me, and being home sleeping or with the boys. With DS#1 DH spent the nights in the hospital with me, and my mom slept at our house. With DS#2 we wanted DS#1's routine to be as normal as possible (he was 19mo) so DH spent the nights at home, and my mom stayed to help with overnight shift. My mom will probably take the hospital night shifts again this time.
My MIL will visit in the hospital every day for 5-15 minutes, (she lives in the area) at least one day she will bring my FIL and BIL (14yo) with her. Typically she calls before she comes to make sure it's a good time, and see if I want her to bring anything. She then comes, holds the baby for a little bit and leaves.
Since this is a boy we will have an open house in our house the baby's first Friday Night, it's to celebrate that the baby is observing their first Sabbath. Since we don't travel on the sabbath, any family members who want to attend will come for the weekend. My parents and ILs will stay in our house, and any other visitors will stay with friends. My mom and MIL will cook the festive meals. The open house is dessert only, and all my friends from the community will send platters of cakes and cookies. I don't have to do anything but sit there for an hour or two and hold the baby. (And depending on when the baby comes even that is optional, I have friends who had their babies Thursday or Friday, so their husbands did the open house, and they did not attend.)
Then 8 days after the baby comes we'll have the bris. That will probably be the first time I leave the house not for doctor's appointments. It will be in the morning, and we already know who we're using for location, Rabbi and caterer, so it's just a matter of calling and booking them the day the baby shows up.
I could go without any other visitors after that in the hospital and at home. I was super stressed out when people wanted to come in the hospital for some reason. Maybe it would be easier having done it once now. But you think time would go slow but it didn't it went fast and it seemed like there was always a health professional doing something and feeling like I needed to entertain people who came to the hospital was just so stressful to me.
Me 32
H 33
TTC#1 January 2016 BFP 5/16/2016 DD Born 1/27/17
TFAS: BFP 11/26/2018 Estimated due date: 8/2/2019
After hospital, a couple of friends who are like family who live close by can come for coffee.
MIL, FIL & BIL (10yo) are coming from Canada and staying with us for the last 2 weeks of august.
My parents will come for 2 weeks later in September ish.
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
When I go into labour, I'll call my sister so she can come stay at our place to watch the dog.
Which means we will probably have to alert our parents as well.
Once baby is born, parents and siblings will be allowed to visit at the hospital, providing everything went well.
We will also probably send out a text to closest friends, and email to family announcing the birth.
Visitors will be welcomed once we go home and settle in, and decide we are feeling up to it.
I have no fears of people arriving unwanted/unannounced. There's only one crazy aunt who might do that, and she won't have our new address muahahahaha.
And as long as visitors bring food or clean something or walk my dog or...do something useful, and leave when I tell them to, I'll be happy 😂
Me 32
H 33
TTC#1 January 2016 BFP 5/16/2016 DD Born 1/27/17
TFAS: BFP 11/26/2018 Estimated due date: 8/2/2019
Hospital Plan: We will call parents when I go into labor. FIL lives a few minutes away and will come to watch our kids until after baby is born. No idea what MIL's plan is...she was unwelcome but ended up in the room when DD was born, when DS was born she was visiting her daughter out of state and then had a major pity party about missing it. This time I am putting my foot down and she will not be near my hospital room until baby is here, we have bonded and I have showered. My bio mom will head straight to the hospital. She lives 3 hours away but has been a huge help with my past 2 deliveries. Depending on work/personal schedules her dh and dd may come with her. After baby is here she will head to my house to care for our other kids until I am discharged, then she will head home. My parens will get here when it is convenient for them. For my dad that meant 2.5 months later last time. They live 1.5 hours away. Depending on time/length of labor I may text some close friends during labor otherwise I will text them once baby is here. Our siblings usually don't visit us at the hospital except maybeb1 of my sisters if she can make it work.
At Home: We aren't close enough with any of our family to worry about them intruding too much. They will all keep their distance. FIL will offer to pitch in with the big kids but that will consist of him picking 1 or 2 of them up and then dropping them back off. That is a HUGE help.
At this point my friends have all had multiple kids and the general rule is just to give people space after the baby is born. We will check in on eachother via text and quickly drop off food but that is it.
Baby will end up being around people a lot by no later than a few weeks old due to our schedule. Both other kids will return to school and fall sports/craziness will start. Even the end of summer they have some sports and dd has weekly pt and ot so baby will be on the go with me the whole time.
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19
When I’m sure labor is real or day of my induction (which ever comes first) we will call my in laws for them to take over our older 2 kids and pup. It’s the first time ever we will have family actually in town when I deliver so plan on using them to help outside of the hospital.
No visitors in the hospital until baby is actually here. Once I’m settled in recovery I will tell DH he can let the in laws bring the kids over so everyone can meet the baby.
Once we are home I plan on letting my MiL come whenever she wants to help out (she is awesome and not pushy)!
My mom and Aunt also want to come down for a few days once the baby is here. My mom I’m totally on board with. However, I’ve never hosted my Aunt before. I really love her, she has 5 kids (all grown now), and overall she’s great. However, she also tends to be a little bit of the “life of the party” type personality and can bring that out in my mom too so I’m worried both of them here together may be overwhelming. But maybe not, can’t decide how I feel on that one yet...
As for at home all of Hs family lives in town. So I'm sure they'll stop by. My parents and one of my brothers lives in town and I'm sure they'll stop by or we will all get together for dinner or something. And then two of my other brothers live about 2.5 hours away. One will more than likely come down in the first week. The other is a toss up. No one will stay at our house probably. Most family guests usually stay at my mom's house.
Thankfully BIL is AWESOME and might even make things easier in some ways (distracting and taking care of DS and 10yo BIL). Otherwise I'd be more upset....
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
But, my parents and my FIL and SMIL all live within 2 hours of us so they could come for day trips, while my MIL and SFIL live at least 7 hours away. So if we are going to offer to let anyone stay at our house, it should be my MIL and SFIL but they have 2 small dogs and I know they would stress me out WAY more than being helpful. Like my MIL doesn't cook - they go out to eat for every meal - so other than just picking up takeout, they aren't helpful in that sense. Plus they always bring us loads of crap we don't need that we then have to deal with finding a place for. So I really don't want them staying here, at least not for the first month. I would much prefer they stay at a hotel nearby, or with other relatives that live within 2 hours.
I think I'm fine with any visitors at the hospital as long as they check with us first. I don't really want anyone in the delivery room with me before she's born other than my H, my parents and my sister, and definitely no one in there during the actual birth other than my H.
DH gave me some grief about not having MIL here sooner for dd1, so when dd2s c section was planned, he invited his mom out for that day. The invite was for up to 10 days but of course being mil she stayed 18. It was about 12 days too long. She didn't stay with us but was always over and only ever wanted to hold the baby and was not helpful. She's not invited for this kid for a few months.
Dd2s birth was a bit different since it was a planned c section. My parents, mil, and brother were in the waiting room. Once I was moved to recovery, the hospital allowed them in 2 at a time. The men stayed for about 20 minutes then the moms stayed for hours. After dd1 was out of school, my mom brought her to meet the baby. They stayed about 30 minutes then everyone left around dinner time for the day. My bff brought me dinner and stayed for about an hour. The next day, the moms came early so DH could go home and shower and change and bring dd1 to school (she's a daddy's girl), so about 2 hours. The same group of visitors came and went over the next 2 days basically the same routine. It worked because I needed help (bad recovery), but MIL was always not helpful. Once we got home, it was mainly my mil and mom every day at various times...with mil being basically all day. DH was supposed to entertain her but she would take the baby, keep her up, not help with chores...and I feel like that impacted the nursing relationship. I was made to feel guilty if I'd take the baby and hide in the nursery for any length of time. I won't allow that again.
Plan for this one is different again since I'll be delivering 90 minutes from home. It'll be just DH and I possibly the whole time in the hospital depending on when it actually happens since my mom works and dd1 starts kindergarten and my mom will be staying with my kids and dogs. If it falls over a weekend, or before school starts, my mom will bring the kids up to visit for a few hours one day. Otherwise they'll all wait until we get home. Once we're home, we'll allow visits from my parents and bff whenever they want.
My parents live locally now and will stay with my daughter while we are in the hospital. I'm sure they will come over daily to help out as we need them. Last time they stayed for about 3 weeks with us and took care of most cooking, cleaning, groceries, and holding baby when I needed a break. It was amazing.
My in laws recently told my husband that they are going to come over labor day weekend, so I'm assuming they won't be here right when she's born. I was extremely overwhelmed last time and spent half of the time hidden in our bedroom nursing so I think they took notice and want to give us a little space initially.
My mom is planning to stay and help til sometime in October (so until the twins are about 6-8 weeks old) and that’s a big relief for me. My dad will also come and stay sometime after they’re born and my mom is still here - just not sure exactly when yet. He’s helpful around the house, grocery shopping, etc. but not nearly as helpful with the kids. Once my mom leaves my aunt & uncle will come stay for another week or two. They’re super helpful, so this is also a very good thing.
Not sure how we’re going to handle in-law visits. Previously they could stay overnight in our extra spare bedroom, but now that’s going to be the nursery. They only live 1.5hrs away so they’re going to have to do day trips now, but I’m already starting to hear grumblings about that from my MIL. Also - they’re well intentioned, but I’m just not comfortable around them. It really stressed me out when they visited while I was nursing w/ DD b/c I felt like I had to go hide in the nursery all the time and felt guilty that I was taking the baby away. With twins...it’s stressful just to think about how I’m going to handle it.
My in laws come at the end of September and we are going to Italy to meet my brother in law and their family. We will stay in a villa for 2 weeks.
Other than that, I don’t anticipate visitors since we live so far from our friends and family. My brother will be here for 2 days and that’s it. If any of my MBA friends are still around, I’m sure I may see them at some point.
Ive asked everyone to get updated tdap vaccines if they plan to see my baby.
*Live, Love, Laugh, Learn*
*Live, Love, Laugh, Learn*
First of all, I want to give everyone an internet hug who had (or will have) to deal with unwanted or unhelpful people around during birth or postpartum. It's such a momentous and fragile period and I can't imagine having any additional stress.
All of our families are super far away so any visits have to be coordinated well in advance. This is a negative regarding my family, whom I'd love to have closer or on shorter notice, and kind of a relief regarding his family, for whom I'm happy to have to make formal plans. They are all so nice and well meaning but not really helpful, and I definitely need my space during that time. I was so thankful that DD was perfectly on time so that the birth matched my mom and sister's travel arrangements!
DD: my mom and sister came in a couple of days before my due date, were in the room along with DH for labor and birth, and stayed for a few days afterwards. I would have loved to have them around for longer! There was never even any question of my IL's coming around that time, and our friends are very baby-ignorant so no one pushed to come to the hospital or anything. DH stayed with me at the hospital the whole time; mom and sister slept at our place at night and took care of the dog. During the day, our dog walker checked in on the dog and my mom and sister spent pretty much all day at the hospital with me. DD was in the NICU for a few days so a lot of that was just hanging out with me. They brought lots of delicious things for breakfasts and dinners; once back at home they were a helpful, comforting presence.
About a month later my mom came back with my father and brother for a quick weekend visit, but by then we'd settled into a routine so it was a more traditional "we're hosting you for a fun weekend also look, cute baby!" than a "help out a confused postpartum family" visit. Same goes for the eventual IL's visits later that year. I should note that we hired a full time nanny who started when DD was 4 weeks old (though I'd be on leave until 12ish weeks), since that's when DH started back up his normal heavy business travel.
This upcoming baby: I am crossing all of my fingers and toes that this baby is also on time and mom and sister will be there for labor and birth. This time their travel arrangements don't match up exactly (though they do overlap for the EDD), which will give me more of a spread with at least one of them. The nanny will also be "on call" so she'll be able to come be with DD during the actual birth. I bet in the days postbirth in the hospital there will be a random combo of mom, sister, and DH staying either home with DD or with me. I'd like DH to be around home a little more to be with DD, and I'd like someone to bring her to the hospital every day. BIL may still be living with us but I'd expect him to stay with friends during my mom and sister's stay just for breathing room, but would love to have him around at the hospital and postpartum. The nanny will also be welcome to come to the hospital with DD. Other than that I don't expect/want to have anyone else. My EDD is 8/16 and my mom is (miraculously) staying through 8/25 so that will be plenty of time to get situated, and after that the nanny will be around of course. If I need additional support when DH starts traveling again a little later we may hire a night doula (though if BIL is still living with us that may be enough support).
BFP #1 June 2016: EDD 16 March 2017, MC July 2016
Re-started TTC Aug 2016
Started IF testing Nov 2016
Spontaneous BFP #2 January 2017: Rainbow Baby Boy September 2017
BFP #3 November 2018: Baby #2 expected August 2019
I love the niece and nephew. They're great kids. But they are 5 and 7 and just very rambunctious and loud.
@sourlemon Oh man- that sounds like it was super stressful with your MIL after #2. Glad you’re putting your foot down this time since you have proof it didn’t work well last time!
My family lives ~4hrs away. ILs lives 45min, and about 10min from the hospital at which I will likely deliver. We have talked about giving my parents about a 3-4hr lead time so ILs & my parents arrive at the hospital about the same time. IDK. I really don’t want my ILs or parents at the hospital during labor. I’d like it to be MH & possibly my sister or BFF. I want at least 2hrs PP before visitors. I don’t want extended family to visit in the hospital, which will be an issue for ILs. No f’s to give anymore, though. I highly doubt anyone except my family & a couple of friends will be helpful. Everyone else says they’ll, “Come hold the baby” for me. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
MH & I really need to have a conversation on all of this again- who to tell when, etc. I’m rather stressed about all of it.
If you want to make yourself useful cook or clean something or love on my older kids. I do not really want to hand over my newborn and my newborn would rather be attached to my boob anyway.
1/12/13 DD was born
4/9/16 DS was born
9/17 CP
6/23/18 BFP EDD 3/4/19