I'm meeting with a lady at our local hospice this week to help them prepare miscarriage packages. They have taken on the role of preparing stillborn packages and are now branching out further. I know a few friends dropped off care packages for me when I had my losses and I actually have mixed feelings about what was in the packages. One friend (who experienced a loss at 36 weeks) brought food, pads and a magazine. This was perfect as I literally couldn't feed myself for days, needed pads and the magazine was something to take my mind away and then after reading it, I chucked it. The other care package although very thoughtful, had pretty soap and a beautiful mug but now everytime I look in the cupboard I'm reminded of my loss. I'm just wondering if anyone had any suggestions for items they felt came in handy or ideas for these care packages?
I got flowers from a couple people but of course those died too. I would have loved for someone to make a meal or send me. Maybe a gift card to a restaurant. Maybe some places would donate them. I also had a friend give me a gift card for a massage. Someone also lent me a book about miscarriage and that was helpful. So when my friend recently miscarried I sent her a book. She said it was helpful
40momma DH's boss sent flowers for the last one, which was nice and thoughtful but they were all white and were basically straight-up funeral arrangement looking. So it was sweet but unbelievably depressing at the same time. And then they died and it was even worse. I have had a hard time feeding myself after the last few. If I put on clothes and managed to eat something that day, I called it a win. So food/gift cards for food, is a plus, especially if it's a restaurant that would deliver! A friend's mother sent me those Sharri's Berri's things, and they were easy to grab and awesome. I got a necklace, which is a nice memory since I'm wearing it close to me, not using it like a mug. I also agree that pads would be great! Especially a variety of them, since we all know it changes as it goes along and everyone has their own preferences... even some liners. Some fuzzy comfy socks could be nice (since we all know dressing can be difficult). Possibly a bath bomb or soap or something. I found soaking in the tub helped the pain/cramps as well. You could include some tea possibly (or hot cocoa).
@40momma I agree on the food/food delivery gift card. Pads, definitely. I went to the ER for my first loss and one of the girls there (I work at the hospital, so a friend of mine) went down to the ob department and filled a bag with bed liners and pads of all different sizes so dh and I didn't have to go to the store right away. A journal or notebook might also be helpful, I know a lot of people find journaling therapeutic.
I don't like to journal as much, but I find coloring very therapeutic. Wonder if you can find a coloring/activity/writing journal? something a little more open-ended for a variety of activities. That way the person could have options. Even something with writing prompts in case they can't settle their scattered mind/thoughts.
@dpchickens There are lots of adult coloring bookings out there these days with really intricate designs. My mom bought me one once because she said I looked "stressed". Thanks Mom.
Off topic, but I need somewhere to rant about this. For this weeks episode in stupid sh*t people say: A friend who I was confiding in the other night was advising me to try acupuncture when suddenly, and completely unprompted she looks at me and says "Oh, i'm sorry, i'll keep my mount shut. I've heard that fertile women are not supposed to give advice to non-fertile women".
Just background on what she means by "fertile women": she had an unplanned pregnancy while on birth control and her second pregnancy (wanted) she got KO on the first month.
I hate people.
Me, 35, SO 35. Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured). Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020 BFP July 12, 2018 - CP BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
I like the idea of an activity book of some kind. And food is always a good idea! A friend sent me these giant cookies that were amazing. Snacks or food delivery gift cards are great, not sure what’s in your budget.
TTC history in spoiler
Me: 31 Him: 37 Married: Oct 2015 Baby G born June 2017 TTC#2: July 2018 BFP #2: 2/6/19 MC 3/14/19 BFP#3 from IUI #2: 6/30/20 EDD 3/9/21
kaeineurope I have several adult coloring books and I LOVE them! I turn on some relaxing/soothing music and color and it's amazing. The intricate tiny patterns really give me something to super-focus on, and it works great for my stress-relief! The only thing is, I know some people do NOT relax like that. Which is why I was wondering if there was some sort of coloring/activity/journaling/journal prompt book that could be gotten that would be more of a catch-all. But of course, made for adults. I know an old roommate of mine years ago got some sort of crazy book that involved things like ripping pages, and all sorts of odd activities, but I don't remember much else about it.
Sorry about your friend. Ugh. Was she being bitchy about it (as it sounds)? Or was she really just cluelessly fumbling around? Cause she told you what to do, then sounds like she bitchily said she shouldn't have said that, but tacked on a 'I'm a baby factory, you barren bitter hag' at the end. So, she really just needed to add that you should just 'relax' and then tell you to babysit her child, and she would've hit all the talking points in just a few sentences... *sigh*
Thanks everyone, some great ideas. I'll look into finding activity books and see what I can come up with. Sounds like food/restaurant cards are needed. We have a bunch of meal delivery services here as well that I think would be great.
ruby696 Yeah, after the first MC I was all like "Positive thoughts. Get in the best shape possible and think positive thoughts and we'll be fine!" After the second and third MC I was all "You never know what others are going through. Be positive and happy and supportive. We'll get the help we need and can support others and be kind." After the 4th and definitely after the 5th MC I'm like "F other people. You make me hurt, you can be slaughtered with my words..."
@dpchickens I managed to keep the bitterness at bay with miscarriage no. 5. It was the DOR diagnosis that did me in. Instead of feeling defective, now I know I am. Super.
@dpchickens@ruby696 not to butt in on your convo, but I feel all of what you’ve been saying. I’m bitter. I can’t help it at this point, and I shouldnt be held responsible for my behavior 🤣
So on top of infertility, yesterday I saw hip surgeon who did replacement and was told I have hip dysplasia and scoliosis which contributed to me needing the hip. I had no idea. Both are slight so I guess that’s why it was never detected
@Mack2342 Do you need any follow up treatment for the hip dysplasia and scoliosis? I hope you've recovered well from your hip replacement surgery - did it help with your pain?
@ruby696 no follow up treatment. I believe the dysplasia was corrected with surgery. As for scoliosis apparently that is from bad hip and muscle spasms. He said it’s slight and nothing to worry about but of course I feel like it will cause other hip to go bad
@dpchickens Ripping pages? Sounds like something i'd be into. Also, that make me think -- I've heard of these new centers opening up where you can pay to go smash things. They give you something like a baseball bat or hammer and put you in a room with smashable things and let you go wild. Now THAT sounds like something i'd be into. As for my friend, I've known her for forever, she wasn't being bitchy about it but she really doesn't have any filters and probably just felt uncomfortable. I've been pretty open with talking to friends and (selected) family members about what has been going on but I am constantly surprised with how uncomfortable it makes people.
@ruby696 Oh my goodness, I'm going to borrow that line. I wish I had used it in that moment! Also, love the shirt.
@40momma I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear those results.
I'm officially in the bitter club, today at least. I had been putting off telling SO that we were back to Cycle Day one yesterday, but found myself constrained when he wanted to ... uh, do stuff. His reaction can only be translated to "What? You got your period AGAIN? You're kidding me right?". Needless to say, that killed the mood, despite my best efforts.
Me, 35, SO 35. Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured). Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020 BFP July 12, 2018 - CP BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
OK, I totally had a coworker help me name the activity book. There's a WHOLE series of them. It's called Wreck This Journal. It's apparently got writing prompts and the whole 9 yards, with like 'activities' you can do that are anywhere from blase to off-the-wall and it even encourages you to rip things up if you feel so inclined. Could be a nice, fun, stress reducer after miscarriage. And you could pick through the pages you WANT to do AS you feel up to them. So if you feel like writing/journaling one day, you could... if you felt like destroying something another day, you can also. It's all there.
kaeineurope YES! I'd heard about those popping up overseas. I think I saw something on Amazing Race about it last year (or 2 years ago? or something). Also, you can't just jump in and out of the bitter club man, you gotta COMMIT! Let the bitter seep into your soul and take over. whispers "join us on the dark side... we have cookies and brownies and cake and will still love you if you get fat from it all...." Plus, apparently now we have shirts also!
@kaeineurope I agree, it’s surprising how uncomfortable friends can be able talking about this. Recently I often feel like I’m trying to make them feel better about it while they are looking at me with sad eyes, ugh.
@Mack2342 hopefully the surgery corrected most of that for you! That all sounds very painful!
@40momma I’m so sorry, getting those results is always so hard and heartbreaking all over again!
Got a question. For those of you who are RPL and have done testing, have your doctors also required your SO to get an in-depth SA? I ask because I stumbled on an article today that told me something I hadn't read yet, that is that in RPL it's really common to find that the male partners swimmers have low reactive oxygen levels (i.e. are prone to damage). After two losses I just figured that he couldn't possibly be the problem, since I had gotten pregnant twice. My GYN only ordered DNA testing for him (which he didn't even do...)
Me, 35, SO 35. Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured). Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020 BFP July 12, 2018 - CP BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
@kbrown2385@dpchickens@char245@Mack2342 Wow! Thumbs down for Italy then. That said, the culture here is still extremely patriarchal, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
Me, 35, SO 35. Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured). Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020 BFP July 12, 2018 - CP BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
Is it normal for the doctor to prescribe progesterone without doing labs? I had my appointment with my ob yesterday and she didn't order any labs but based on my short lp from charting, she sent in a prescription.
Eta: never mind, she just called and said she decided not to call in the rx, that instead she wants to do labs first.
It's been 2 weeks since I took misoprostol for my miscarriage and I stopped with red blood about a week ago and its just been Brown discharge this morning I started bleeding again with clots. Not sure if this is normal.
Re: May Randoms
Off topic, but I need somewhere to rant about this. For this weeks episode in stupid sh*t people say: A friend who I was confiding in the other night was advising me to try acupuncture when suddenly, and completely unprompted she looks at me and says "Oh, i'm sorry, i'll keep my mount shut. I've heard that fertile women are not supposed to give advice to non-fertile women".
Just background on what she means by "fertile women": she had an unplanned pregnancy while on birth control and her second pregnancy (wanted) she got KO on the first month.
I hate people.
Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured).
Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020
BFP July 12, 2018 - CP
BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
Married: Oct 2015
Baby G born June 2017
TTC#2: July 2018
BFP #2: 2/6/19 MC 3/14/19
BFP#3 from IUI #2: 6/30/20 EDD 3/9/21
The only thing is, I know some people do NOT relax like that. Which is why I was wondering if there was some sort of coloring/activity/journaling/journal prompt book that could be gotten that would be more of a catch-all. But of course, made for adults. I know an old roommate of mine years ago got some sort of crazy book that involved things like ripping pages, and all sorts of odd activities, but I don't remember much else about it.
Sorry about your friend. Ugh. Was she being bitchy about it (as it sounds)? Or was she really just cluelessly fumbling around? Cause she told you what to do, then sounds like she bitchily said she shouldn't have said that, but tacked on a 'I'm a baby factory, you barren bitter hag' at the end. So, she really just needed to add that you should just 'relax' and then tell you to babysit her child, and she would've hit all the talking points in just a few sentences... *sigh*
And lol to @dpchickens!
@kaeineurope I agree, sometimes people just suck.
@ruby696 perfect response. I've said something similar once and it felt so damn good.
And +1 for the bitter club...we should make shirts 😉
And I agree with @splashmountain...T-shirts for all of us!
Also, I just received the results from my last loss. Trisomy 16. And female. I'm at a loss of where to go from here. This whole thing just sucks.
I'm so sorry for the results @40momma hugs ❤
@ruby696 the shirt is perfect. Short, sweet and to the point.
@ruby696 Oh my goodness, I'm going to borrow that line. I wish I had used it in that moment! Also, love the shirt.
@40momma I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear those results.
I'm officially in the bitter club, today at least. I had been putting off telling SO that we were back to Cycle Day one yesterday, but found myself constrained when he wanted to ... uh, do stuff. His reaction can only be translated to "What? You got your period AGAIN? You're kidding me right?". Needless to say, that killed the mood, despite my best efforts.
Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured).
Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020
BFP July 12, 2018 - CP
BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
kaeineurope YES! I'd heard about those popping up overseas. I think I saw something on Amazing Race about it last year (or 2 years ago? or something).
Also, you can't just jump in and out of the bitter club man, you gotta COMMIT!
@kaeineurope I agree, it’s surprising how uncomfortable friends can be able talking about this. Recently I often feel like I’m trying to make them feel better about it while they are looking at me with sad eyes, ugh.
@Mack2342 hopefully the surgery corrected most of that for you! That all sounds very painful!
@40momma I’m so sorry, getting those results is always so hard and heartbreaking all over again!
@ruby696 sign me up for a shirt!
Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured).
Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020
BFP July 12, 2018 - CP
BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
Wow! Thumbs down for Italy then. That said, the culture here is still extremely patriarchal, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
Personal assistant to one 10 year-old fur baby (cat, pictured).
Human baby #1 EDD Feb 11, 2020
BFP July 12, 2018 - CP
BFP December 7, 2018 - CP
Eta: never mind, she just called and said she decided not to call in the rx, that instead she wants to do labs first.