Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Missed Miscarriage, 2 months later

So, just before Christmas 2018 we found out we were expecting for the 1st time. We had been trying for about 6-7 months and were pretty excited - but we knew not to get too excited just yet. My OBGYN scheduled me in for a 10 week ultra sound at the end of January and we were on our way. Went in on the 11th due to nausea and they put me on some medication that really helped. She said that was a good sign. I was a little over 7 weeks. I had a lot of symptoms and we had decided to embrace this whole heartedly and jump right in. We told family and close friends at around 8-9 weeks, despite not having had an ultra sound yet. We started calling it our little "T.D." or Trans Dimensional Bean. We got attached.

Jump ahead to the 10 week ultra sound. The fetus was measuring in at only 7.5 weeks. I could tell it wasn't moving, part of me just knew what was going to happen. The doctor wasn't able to find a heart beat, but said it looked healthy, not to worry, and that we would get a second opinion. She sent me to the ultrasound tech, who confirmed the same thing. Missed miscarriage. Fetal death. No heart beat. They called and told me over the phone as we were driving home. I had a D&C 2 days later on the 1st of February. I held strong while they wheeled me back, but then lost it when I was by myself. Thankfully, they knocked me out. 

However, my body wasn't responding the way it should. My hormones weren't dropping. I was passing HUGE clots, which they said shouldn't be happening. Turns out my body didn't want to admit defeat and was thinking it was pregnant still. They put me on a medication to shrink my uterus and to help it along. Finally, after a month, my symptoms stopped. My hormones went down to normal. The doctor put me on birth control to give my body a break - which I appreciated. I never did get a copy of the ultra sound, which breaks my heart. But, the fetus was buried in the memorial garden for pregnancy loss. 

Now, I'm emotionally all over the place still. I got invited to 6,  YES 6, baby showers between the D&C and 1.5 months later. I snoozed many people on social media due to pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, etc. I do okay for the most part. I can be around babies and love on them - but pregnant women, ultra sound photos, and baby clothes are my weakness. My husband is having a hell of a time too, it's emotionally wrecked us both. It's only been 8 weeks, I know it takes time. I get that. I just miss feeling normal. I'm struggling to lose the baby weight I gained (not much, but it's there). I'm struggling to be around other people. Honestly, I'm just struggling.

We are waiting a year, so around February of next year, to even start trying again. This is good for the both of us I feel - gives us time to grieve and grow. But I can't help but feel so bitter when I think of all of the lost possibilities. My heart is broken. I'm terrified of trying again. I'm terrified of being pregnant. 

Anyways, that's my story.

Re: Missed Miscarriage, 2 months later

  • I am so so sorry for your loss. I miscarried just about a month ago at almost 9 weeks. It has been so difficult and I have been invited to one gender reveal and 4 baby showers in April so I understand your pain there. I am not sure if I will be able to bring myself to go to all of them. I’m afraid to try again in fear of another miscarriage as well. I know there is not much I can say that will comfort you, but you are not alone! Prayers that time eases our pain.
  • This loss is so unfair. I miscarried this week, so it is still quite raw for me too. You feel it physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

    When I think of the future and wanting to try again yet being scared to, I remind myself that the best parents are the ones who do worry, fret, feel fear, and deeply and fiercely love. All of the emotions you have felt indicate you are already destined to be one of those great parents.

    When it comes to healing, there is literally no substitute for time. I believe we will all heal and see much better days! 

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  • I’m sorry for your losses ladies.  I have had 3 MC my last one was a little over a year ago.   With time it does get better.  I understand all of your feelings as I had those same feelings.   Know you aren’t alone.  A couple things that helped me, I talked about it a lot basically to whoever would listen and I got a memorial stone for my garden so I have a place to go whenever I want.  I planted a perennial by each stone too.   Again I’m sorry for your losses.  There is a great group of ladies on the TTCAL board when and if ready to try again.  They all have experienced loss so they understand all the fear behind trying again. 
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