Husband a little off and sometimes makes me nervous

jillhuggy

hello I’m currently 33 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. I could use some advice or just experiences from others who’ve dealt with similar situations. My husband is 37. After a year of dating we got married. I didn’t see his behavior traits until after we said I do. I think he hid it from me very well. Lately past few months I’ve noticed a lot of mental health behaviors increasing. He’ll sleep for hours, some days it’s like he can’t get enough sleep and I’m the pregnant one. Then he self isolates a lot, socially distant . Shuts down entirely in front of others. He’s into watching these YouTube videos constantly on conspiracies, racism and mind control. It makes me nervous bc he seems very gulliable and just likes to read info from all these sources even if it’s bad information. It plays on his mindset and how he thinks. I’ve been hearing him talking to himself constantly. And even though it may sound funny it’s not. The moment he walks away from me or in a different room he’s having full blown conversations with himself. I’ve started asking him what’s he talking about and he says “ just stuff that’s on my mind” but you would think he’s talking to someone. And occasionally he sneaks and binge drinks. We had a couple of episodes where alcohol has made him a complete monster. He’ll go months without drinking but when he does drink he binge drinks. I’ve expressed the importance of being sober for our family and will not tolerate it. He does his best in that area but he’ll tell me every so often he’s craving a drink. My heart feels bad for my husband bc he’s a good guy, sweet, loving. But I can tell he’s just off and he will never realize it or admit it. He will not seek medical help or medical advice. And he’ll never take any medication for it either. Has anyone dealt with this in their family or spouse? It’s easy to read about mental health disorders but a whole different story when you live with it or see something wrong in loved ones 

saraleigh2

That sounds really difficult! And the timing also certainly makes this challenging! The sleeping, isolating, having conversations by himself and drinking are definitely concerning. Having a baby on the way is very stressful and can exacerbate issues that have been less pronounced. 

If not a therapist, is there someone he can talk to, friend, priest, brother/sister etc? 

And just because he isnt isn’t going to therapy (yet, or isn’t willing yet) does mean you can’t. Many partners and family members of those with mental health concerns benefit greatly from their own therapy, understand the person they love better, are better equipped to interact and support them too. 

Please talk to your OB /midwife about this ASAP if you haven’t and get some reasouces for yourself and your family. This is not going to go away or get better when baby arrives and you will be exhausted on top of it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW! At a minimum you will need 1) someone to talk to: find a pregnancy support group or therapist NOW and START GOING. 2)You will also need someone reliable who can check on you postpartum and if need be get you and baby help - a hot meal, laundry, notice signs that you may have PPD etc. Please tell someone you trust about this: good friend, family member and ask them for postpartum support you are going to need it. (Even in the best circumstances you need this so don’t skip it now!!!) 

Being proactive is the best way to help your husband, your marriage, your self and your baby!

praying for all of you and for wisdom and strength. 

lyse01

@jillhuggy, @saraleigh2 has excellent advice. Pregnancy as a stressor on partners is under-discussed and undertreated. 

While it’s difficult to highlight concerns to other people’s medical providers, you may want to see if you can call ahead and mention some concerns to a doctor he’s going to for some unrelated thing - annual check up would be ideal but any specialist really may be able to work in some probing questions during their evaluation and suggest a referral to a mental health provider. 

emeraldisle17

@jillhuggy I am so sorry that you are going through this, especially at 33 weeks pregnant. My brother in law (DH's brother) suffers from a mental illness and from our experience, the symptoms seem to come in waves (about every 2 years) either when he stops taking his medication or when the medication dosage needs to be adjusted. Many of his symptoms (including excess drinking) are very similar to what you describe. In between the episodes (when taking and on the correct dosage of meds) he's totally fine, symptoms are manageable, and you would never know that he has a mental illness, but when he's having a set back it is very challenging on the whole family, so I definitely feel for you. 

That said, mental illness can be a caregiver and family burden  -- I know you mentioned you had only known him about a year before getting married. Does he have parents or siblings that you can talk to to find out his mental health history? At 37 years old, odds are this is not his first set back or episode. I would suggest starting with reaching out to his immediate family with your concerns and hopefully they will be honest and open with you. If he doesn't have any close family, like @lyse01 said I would reach out to his health care provider with your concerns.  You definitely want to have a support team on your side before your LO comes, and family, health care providers, priests/clergy, neighbors -- all fall into that camp.  Don't let the stigma of mental illness hold you back from reaching out and getting the help your family needs! 

Best of luck!