Grandparent Woes

ash2206

I don’t know about you all but as a FTM the “grandparents” meaning my parents and in-laws are on my last nerve!

They are super excited which is great but completely overzealous with this “my baby” stuff. All hell broke loose because they were informed that hubby and I just want to be alone in the hospital for maybe a week or two when we come home to bond & get adjusted to being parents. They acted like it was world war 3 and we were keeping the baby from them. 

I just know myself and I need time to learn how to be a mom and BF privately. Who really wants people around after pushing out a baby & having your boobs out every 2 hours to feed. I thought the ask was simple but we clearly hit a nerve. My husband is on board with whatever I need thankfully so I’m sticking to my guns. It just feels like he’s the only who cares about my well being in all of this. Everyone else is worried about themselves & when they get to see OUR baby

Sorry for the rant. Who did you have with you before and after delivery? Would you have done anything differently?

jbm925

I love my family and friends but for my first I had the usual visitors and they stressed me out! Overstayed their welcome, not good handwashing, woke the sleeping baby so they could "see the baby," lots of advice I didn't want immediately post-partum....

 For our second I had a really difficult labor, delivery, and recovery, and subsequently decided (knowing this was likely ahead of time) no visitors in the hospital, and no visitors for nearly a month after at home.  It was glorious.  I could not have kept my sanity (or all our relationships) otherwise. 

When I started inviting people over I felt ready that the baby, myself, and my family were ready to bring people into our home.

Some people like the community of early visits and help in the home, but personally what I needed was privacy. 

My advice, if it helps/is wanted, is to gently let people know that it's not about "not wanting them there or denying your family something they want/need" but about "wanting exactly what you (the new parent and baby) need" to get into the new parenthood groove.

honeybeemarie

mine are also getting on my last nerve... my mom and step dad plan to come for the birth, but my mom isn’t being really supportive of my decision to do unmedicated, AND she is being really rude about my bioDad wanting to be there too. At this point I really just want this experience to be me and DH. Lucky enough for me they all are in TX and I’m in OH, so I’m trying to think of a delicate way of not telling them I’m in labor in time for them to come lol. So I just have to delicately plant the idea that they shouldn’t come up before I’m due to wait it out with me.... 

I’m so sorry they aren’t respecting your wishes for some private bonding. It’s so hard when you know it’s coming from a place of love, but you’d appreciate them “loving” off a bit... lol 😆 

ami500

I totally understand that the grandparents are super excited especially if it’s the first grandchild. For my side I’m a FTM and it’ll be the first grandchild but my family knows limits. They know to call or ask first before coming over because the first few weeks are your bonding time with baby and hubby. I am making an exception for my grandma (great grandma for the little guy) because she’s only staying in the US for a couple weeks to visit before going back to Hong Kong. She’s coming about half a week after my due date so hopefully it’s all good timing. 

My advice is to just let them know gently that you don’t want visitors until you say it’s okay for them to visit. My future MIL wants to come visit when baby comes and I let my fiancé know that I don’t want anyone coming over until I’m ready. He’s been a huge support on that because he knows I’m a FTM and he’s already got a 5 year old. He knows how stressful it can get with visitors. It’s good to hear that the hubbys are super supportive in your decisions. Hopefully the grandparents will back off and respect your wishes. 

holyboobsbatman

honeybeemarie said:

"my mom and step dad plan to come for the birth, but my mom isn’t being really supportive of my decision to do unmedicated, AND she is being really rude about my bioDad wanting to be there too. 

OMG, are you me?! I hope you get some peace knowing you're not the only one dealing with this. 

honeybeemarie

@holyboobsbatman Literally having the connection with you all is the only thing giving me any peace lately!! 

What “strategy(ies)” are you prepping with. This is kind of a new decision for us, but I’m listening to mindful hypnobirthing on audible and it’s giving me a ton of positive energy about this whole thing!

ash2206

Thank you guys so much, it is nice to know that I’m not being crazy or selfish with this decision! I’ve been trying to be gentle with it but the grandmoms are going nuts. Luckily my dad has had a change of heart and is also being really supportive now. 

holyboobsbatman

@honeybeemarie I'm doing hypnobirthing as well! (Omg, you are me) It's giving me the confidence not just for birth, but also that I will be a good parent and be and advocate for my child (yay rainbow relaxation!).
Beyond that, it's just constantly reminding myself that my parents are ADULTS and THEY need to sort out THEIR problems. My husband's reassurances also help.

tkbmama

Im glad I'm not the only one who doesn't want people to meet MY baby right away. Im not planning on telling his family or  my local family or friends we are going to the hospital til after I give birth. I will tell my siblings in NY and my dad, but my hes 4 hours away and will respect my space. I also will need him to stay with our dog so I need him to know in advance. 

I want to out a sign on our door at our house asking if you've had the whopping cough vaccine and if not to leave...but I don't know if that's too far haha

Griffin5413

With my son, he came 3 weeks early and all of our family was out of state except my FIL who thankfully knows his boundaries. We got to spend 4 days in the hospital with just us and it was awesome. My parents drove out the day we got home b/c we needed help moving (we went into labor the day we were supposed to sign on our new house). This time around my MIL & SIL are going to be living here, and my parents are flying out the Saturday before c-section date. I'm already dreading the flow of visitors mainly being I appreciate that my mom wants to help but also she could very easily drive me CRAZY! Obviously I want baby girl to cook as long as possible but if she were to come a week or 2 early, that would let us have a little bit of our own time this round. lol. 

You should also have a conversation with your nurses at the hospital about what your intentions are. Let them be the bad guys and turn people away. Maybe only let people visit during certain times of the day. That way you have plenty of time with just you guys and the new baby. At the end of the day, as long as your partner is supportive, you have to do what is best for you and the baby. That may mean hurting some people's feelings but your mama instincts will kick in and it won't be nearly as hard as you think to put your foot down. 

ash2206

@tkbmama a friend of mine made everyone who visited her baby within the first 2 months get vaccinated, & I think it’s a good idea! not too far at all!!

wiseh

@tkbmama nearly all of my friends post on social media a months or so ahead of the baby's due date asking people to get vaccinated if they want to come meet their baby. This is the most recent one that popped up in my newsfeed.

jbm925

@wiseh love that way of putting it.  

We are traveling at likely the 10 week mark for a family wedding (across the country - an 8 hour flight + 1.5 hour drive - each way), and DH's mom (so the kids grandma), and a bunch of family will be there.  So happy to see them, my sisters in law, our east coast friends.  Worried that LO might be exposed by well meaning but ignorant people who think "well I don't feel sick right NOW," and therefore think vaccines don't apply to them.

As for the family... we've had a strained relationship but I want to model healthy adult behavior for the kids so I'm doing my best.... but I'm worried that mentioning the vaccine thing will set off WWIV.  

We've already had WWIII, unfortunately, as a result of DH asking his mom not to post excessively on FB about the kids, with their full names, etc., and she has yet to respect this... her response instead of respecting how we want to raise and expose (or NOT expose) our kids online... was to block us from all her social media and regularly post negative rants about us (mostly me).  

Just trying to keep calm and stay firm about our decisions on raising our kids.  As someone said above. They are adults, and it is 100% their responsibility to figure their own issues out.  We have never been unreasonable.  And we won't be. But we have a right to determine how and why we manage our kids health, exposures, etc.  

It's like Al-Anon, dealing with DH mom sometimes... I have to repeatedly remind myself that I can control how I react, but I can't control her actions.  It's hard though. Wish we could all just meet halfway!!! Family is such a big deal to me. Makes me sad we can't all be close. 

*edited for clarity