Prefer Husband NOT be in the delivery room the whole time/at all?

jbm925

Bit of a lurker here... wanting some thoughts if that's ok to ask....

This is baby #3.  We are 50/50 about having a scheduled section v. VBA2C (depends on how things look at the end - we wanted more kids after this but I'm not willing to have 4+ c/s so if no VBAC then this one is it).  

My first two sections were pretty much identical... gush of fluid, meuconium but baby looks good (just "mature" they said), go in at a 4, stall around an 8, contractions pick up, baby doesn't tolerate, c/s, although my personal opinion (which my MD doesn't entirely disagree with), is that either could have been a vag birth if given more time.  For those prior two deliveries, I actually found my sweet husband really frustrating and not helpful (he doesn't handle that kind of stress well and in turn it was very distracting to me, personally), and this was right around the time labor stalled and emotions got crazy, and so forth.  

There are two reasons I'm really leaning towards this:  First... when I'm alone I'm naturally a strong and decisive person, even under extreme stress I am able to be cool headed, but when we're together I like to be able to lean on him but history has shown that then I lean on him in THIS particular situation, he isn't able to give what I need him to give, and I kind of end up in a free-fall that I just don't have the energy to recover from.  Second:  I feel that he also hasn't put a lot of effort into learning about birth, supporting a partner through giving birth, talking about our plans (more kids, less kids, last baby, tubes tied, etc...) so I feel like I'd really rather just be there alone since I'm the one that has to do it and I'm the one putting in all the effort (he did do the course and keep a copy of the "birth preferences" I had and tried to follow them for #2 but it was just really unnatural feeling and not helpful).  

I just think it would be easier to go in and focus inward and on what I am there to do (whichever way baby comes out), rather than worrying about him frustrating me, or needing clarification again on what I asked for, etc.  I'm thinking we go in together but he goes out at intervals to give me alone time.  That way he's close in case anything comes up, but not so close that he's crowding my personal and mental space.

Anyone else not have their spouse in the room/thinking about not having their spouse in the room for delivery?

PS- please don't think I hate my husband, he's really a sweet sweet dad and very much the love of my life.  This just hasn't been (historically) and experience that we do well together, despite best efforts.  

TY!

holyboobsbatman

@jbm925 First off, we welcome all lurkers here, so welcome!

I don't think you're a terrible person or a terrible wife, stressful husband create stressful situations! I'm a FTM and I'm practicing hypnobirthing, but unfortunately my husband can't take the classes with me. He's very supportive, but I'm also worried that him stressing out will just stress me out and that will just break my concentration. However, it's our first, so I want him there. 

Sorry if this wasn't a big help. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone when it comes to panicky husbands. Maybe just talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. Good luck!!

meggyme

*Lurking*

Sounds like you would benefit from a doula. They are not a replacement for your husband but can help guide your husband to support you in a more meaningful way or support you directly in addition to your husband.

sarah_is_pregnant

@jbm925
You're not alone in these thoughts. Not at all. I'm a FTM due in May, and this has crossed my mind more than once for slightly different reasons. 
I totally get where you're coming from in terms of wanting to turn inward and get the job done. I feel the same way, and think that sometimes my husband will hinder my concentration. 
I like the above suggestion of a doula. They could help support you in the birth plan that you have, and communicating with hospital staff instead of your husband. 
Maybe make a list of little errands he could run around the hospital for...ice chips, a snack, whatever, to get him out of the room for a bit. 
At the same time, it's probably be good to have a conversation with him about your feelings on this. 

jbm925

@sarah_is_pregnant @meggyme @holyboobsbatman


Thanks for the feedback (and nice to know I'm not alone), I have been considering a doula, someone I wouldn't need to take "care" of.  My major concerns are finding someone I trust and like... we have two kids already so our time to spend on this has been quite limited (too many options in our area... not that that is necessarily a bad thing, just overwhelming).  I also really strongly feel like I might just want to be alone.  

Hopefully we can discuss this soon.  We have been so busy we haven't had much a chance to sit down about it. Luckily we still have a few more months.  I don't want to hurt his feelings or be rushed about it, so I've been putting it off... for better or worse. Will keep you updated!

lovebamalife

I'm also pregnant with #3 after 2 c-sections. You need to do what you are most comfortable with. I would definitely recommend having someone in the room with you who can be an advocate, even if that's not your husband. My second c-section (and my third will be too) was scheduled and I found it much less stressful. Having my husband just hold my hand was very comforting. Best of luck!

BlondePeanut

Bottom line you should do what makes you the most comfortable. My situation was different with DD1. Family kept pushing to be present during birth and I was adamant that I was not comfortable with it, so DH and I both told everyone when the time comes they would have to wait in the waiting room. Well I was in labor for 24 hours and ended up with an emergency c section and only DH was allowed anyway. This time is a scheduled c section so it will be just him and I, and family will be with DD and can come in after the 1 hour of private parent and baby bonding time. 

jbm925

@lovebamalife was the scheduled section really that much better than the first?  There is a good chance we will have a RCS versus repeat TOL.  But I'm worried we'll pick a repeat section and recovery will still be just as bad as with the first two sections.

Knottie68974289

I feel exactly the same way, this will be our 3rd. He was there For the 2 others but he has been traveling for work the majority of the last 7 months. It feels very much like my own little project. I know that’s weird. I also have sketchy relationships with my mom and his mom. I would feel most comfortable with him being home and maintaining our routines with the kids and just going by myself to to this. I’m still working through my own feelings on it. I wish you luck!

lovebamalife

The recovery was the same, but having a definite arrival date really helped to eliminate a lot of stress. 

jbm925

@lovebamalife thanks for the reply!  We tentatively have a RCS scheduled, but likely baby will want to come before (We both think we are early). Agree with just wanting less stress.  I really hate the recovery though. I usually have a lot of core strength, and when it's lost it's just uncomfortable moving around during recovery!

@Knottie68974289 good luck working through it all....  We still are too.  DH is the best dad and said he'd be too sad to miss it. So I explored what really bothered me, and it was that I kept thinking he would have the intuition to help me (and he just didn't despite trying) which made me frustrated, and he kept getting on the phone and wanting to make small talk (which I did not). So he can be there and be quiet and I'll plan to just stay focused on myself.  If he is distracting I'll have him step out for 30 minutes or so at a time.  I'm also not sure close with my mom or MIL.  We get along as best we can and really deep down do love eachother, but our personalities just don't make it easy to have a close intimate mother-daughter type relationship.  No-one's fault I guess.  I do get a twinge of jealousy when friends talk about their mom being there and coaching them through either delivery, or breastfeeding, or whatever and how nice it is to have that help.  But every family's different, and I've accepted that.