T incision, traumatic delivery

ellaace1518

I feel like I had a very traumatic delivery.  I'm so grateful that my little girl is happy &healthy but I can't help but replay it in my head, even 4 months later.  I have dreams about what happened &don't know if I'm crazy.  This is mostly a vent,  but also wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar & how you overcame your experience. I was induced at 37 week's for preeclampsia.  My induction was started on a Saturday with cervidil,  pitocin started in Monday & my waters didn't break until Wednesday. I was very  "pitocin dependent". Thursday morning I finally dilated to 10 & was ready to push.  I had gotten an epidural that afternoon before.  Before I was ready to push my epidural failed.  I notified the nurse & was told to push my bolus button &that the anesthesiologist was in an emergency c section.  It then became time for me to push & still didn't have a working epidural. I was informed "it's okay,  you're pushing now,  you'll be able to feel everything". I pushed one time.  Baby's HR dropped to 40 &didn't come up.  I was a red light c section. When I got to OR I told the anesthesiologist that my epidural wasn't working so he gave me a bolus. They started the c section & I felt everything on my left side.  I was moaning & screaming &remember the doctor saying "she shouldn't be feeling this" . Shortly after I woke up,  they had given me conscious sedation. The doctor was closing me up & informed me that she had trouble getting baby out & had to do both vertical & horizontal incision. I am overweight but not obese (gained 9lbs during pregnancy), nor do I have a small pelvis. I was told she never would have delivered vaginally. To this day I have been unable to find a picture or article of something similar,  but basically I have an inverted T incision. I lost a lot of blood, had my incisions open up & developed a staph infection. I got records after I went home & am very grateful both baby& I are okay after reading words like 'ominous'. I have asked the doctor about why the multiple incisions & was told she had cord wrapped around her shoulders & reached her hands out with the first incision. It still doesn't make much sense to me. I am an ICU nurse , so fairly knowledgeable, but OB is not something I'm very familiar with. Has anyone else had a T Incision &how did you heal? Is it normal for me to be upset over my delivery? I'm not depressed, but think about it almost daily.  I've told my story before & was told "be thankful your baby is okay" which doesn't help at all. I am so thankful she is okay &would do it a again in a heartbeat,  but I can't help but be upset by the way things went &lack of answers. 

harpseal135

Honestly, the doctor did what he/she felt was best at the time of the C-section.  If they had a difficult time getting baby out (as you say) there are reasons why they did what they did.  It sounds like your baby was in a dire situation and that may have been the fastest way to get her out.  
Glad you and baby are ok.

clarabelle16

I also had a traumatic csection with my first daughter, and an open incision as well. My recommendation would be to take care of the healing you need, it’s ok to be traumatized and upset about your birth experience. People who try to lump your daughter into their advice about your personal healing have a limited understanding of mental health. Make sure you take time every day to take care of yourself and don’t be afraid to reach out to a mental health provider who specializes in ptsd. 

cjx95

It's entirely normal and okay to feel this way about your delivery! That sounds like it was a traumatic experience for you and if you're still reflecting on it 4 months later I would highly suggest asking your OB for a referral to a therapist or someone you fan Express these thoughts and feeling to. Hopefully they would be able to help you work through this and you can start to look forward with your baby girl instead of staying in the past. Hugs love! I hope you find what you need soon❤

frank&katie

I also had an emergency general anesthesia inverse t incision with my second twin (first twin was born breech vaginal). It’s still very hard for me to talk about it, so I can’t share my whole story. But I also lost a lot of blood (about half my blood volume) and ended up with my babies both in the NICU for two weeks while dealing a horrible recovery. To make matters worse, I read my notes from my delivery months later and found out that a lot of the panic about my delivery was unfounded.

That was three and a half years ago, and I am now almost 7 months pregnant with our fourth baby (had one naturally before the twins). I spoke with 10 different providers before I found one that is willing to attend a vbac for me. I have been considering seeing a therapist bc I am concerned that in the event I do need a c section again, I don’t know how I’ll handle it mentally. 

I agree there is nothing less helpful than “you should be happy you have a healthy baby” when you go through a trauma like that. People don’t realize that you have been through physical hell and that it has nothing to do with your joy of having a living baby.  My best advice is to connect with another mama who at least has gone through a somewhat traumatic c section experience. I have only one friend like that and she is my go to when I need to get out my thoughts and vice versa. If you don’t know anyone like that you can look up your local ICAN chapter. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or consider counseling. Birth PTSD does not go away if left unchecked. Hugs mama - you’re not alone.

kingdommom

I know this is an older post, but I completely understand your feelings!! My second was an emergency c-section because she was face up. And I still pushed for 3.5 hours unmedicated, before they gave me the spinal (long story, not my dr's fault). Anyway,  it took me awhile until I was at the place where I realized they did all they could do. I blamed myself a lot. Of course I'm thankful that my daughter was healthy, but I still mourn the loss of the natural birth I dreamed of! My first was vaginal, but was a vacuum assisted birth and also somewhat traumatic. My third is due in less than 8 weeks and I'm trying for a VBAC. Anyway, just wanted you to know your feelings are normal! If you think it will help, talk to a counselor! Especially if you are feeling depressed about it or can't stop thinking about it. Hugs❤

MommyDay2be

You are not wrong for feeling traumatized. I had an emergency C also and a lot of mistakes were made. I was hospitalized for many weeks and had to have an incision revision weeks after my initial cesarean because the wound wouldnt close. I also had to have a blood transfusion. It was horrible.I'm expecting number 3 and probably staring down the barrel of another C. the thought of being cut open again terrifies me. Surgery is traumatic. I'm sorry it happened that way for you and I hope you continue to heal and recover.