Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

*TW* Long Story, but need to vent

First pregnancy. Everything was going well. We found out we were KO on 12/25 and had our first US on 1/18. Our baby was measuring a few days behind (but I have a longer cycle so the doctor said it was normal). We heard the heartbeat and all of my bloodwork came back normal. Everything was typical.

Then on 2/1 (Friday, naturally) at about 4:30pm, I noticed brown spotting when I wiped. I had no spotting during my pregnancy so I immediately called my doctor who said I would have to wait out the weekend and come in for a US. I had no cramping and no more bleeding through the weekend, and I figured that everything was most likely ok, but I went in on Monday just to be cautious. MH came with me on Monday to the US and I'm so thankful he did. I seriously thought I was being a little crazy by having this checked out and was floored and shocked to find out the our baby had no heartbeat and was measuring 9w1d (which is what I was on 2/1). I never really thought this was happening. It was the single worst moment of my entire life. we went home and scheduled our D&C for the next available (which wasn't until Thursday). It was agonizing. I was in so much emotional anguish and still am. I informed everybody who already knew I was pregnant (my family and a few close friends).

Here's where things start to fly off the rails into crazy-land. My parents had been away on a month-and-a-half long vacation. When I found out, they were on some island in the South Pacific. They were scheduled to get home on 2/12. I discussed it with my husband and we decided to tell them as I had never undergone anesthesia before and if I was in their place, I would at least want to know. My mother and I have a relationship that can be at times antagonistic, but I thought she would be really hurt if I didn't tell her. We told them and they were sad for us and were sure to call me everyday. After the procedure, my mom alluded that I would "just have to get over it," but I let it slide. Now, on Sunday evening I got a call from my mother who had not much to say other than hello and to ask how I was feeling. Not 5 minutes later, my SIL called me and told me that my 95-year old Grandma had called her and was so upset about my miscarriage and that my mother had told her. MH and I had specifically not told her we were KO for THIS EXACT reason. She is elderly, old school, and there is no harm in her not knowing. But I digress, what's done is done. However, I found out that my mother had told her just prior to calling me and had not bothered to even let me know she did. She acted like it didn't even happen. I spoke to my grandmother yesterday who then told me she was discussing it with a few of my cousins (which I don't want - I'm not close with any of my cousins at all). A few minutes later, my mother called me from LA and I told her I was upset with her for telling my grandma and not telling me she did so. She told me it's a moot point. But here's my issue. I feel so violated. I feel like I can't even have the autonomy to make decisions about who I share my reproductive health with. My D&C happened a few days ago and I have barely begun to process and grieve. 

My mother is angry at me for being upset with her. She told me I shouldn't have told her while she was away. She told me she felt like she could tell whomever because I told some of my friends. She has shown no sympathy or support for me and has been antagonizing me via text. She said she was upset for 3 days of her vacation. She can't understand that I'm not even angry that she told my grandma; I'm angry that she then lied to me about it by pretending it never happened. I've told her all of this and she still doesn't get it. I told her that I'm sorry she had to spend 3 days on a beautiful vacation while I had my baby sucked out of my uterus.

I'm beyond distraught. I can barely cope day-to-day and now I have this weighing on my shoulders. I don't know what to do or why this happened to me. I don't know what I did to my mother to be treated with so much disregard and ambivalence. I don't know what to do or how move forward or how to even begin to heal from this pain. I miss being pregnant. I miss my baby. I miss all the dreams and hope and plans that we had. I don't know how I can recover from this. I don't know where to begin. 

Re: *TW* Long Story, but need to vent

  • Options
    First and foremost, I am so very sorry for your loss.  I remember you from the September, 2019 BMB, and my heart broke when you confirmed your loss.  I ended up losing my pregnancy that same week.  Also my very first pregnancy.  I empathize and understand COMPLETELY when you say you don't know why this happened to you.  It is so unfair that you are dealing with this terrible loss.  And it is so unfair that the wonder of your first pregnancy, the unmitigated joy and possibility and optimism, is gone forever.  

    Know that you are not alone in this, and that you have a whole community of women who support you, love you, and understand how you are feeling right now.  I know a supportive community of strangers cannot replace what should be a supportive Mother. Know that it is okay to love some people from afar.  If they are toxic to you, you have every right to create a safe place for yourself.  

    Hang in there, my dear.  It will take time (lots and lots of time) but you will begin to heal someday.  

  • Options
    Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your loss as well. There really are no words to make it easier.
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards