Randoms w/o 2/4 — The Bump
July 2019 Moms

Re: Randoms w/o 2/4

  • We've decided to just burn the house down and start a new life somewhere else... Slight exaggeration but so not really. Discovered lice on 2 out of 4 boys this morning.

    H is bald but has a long beard and I have super long hair. We can't stop scratching! Yuck. Yuck. YUCK!!!

    Mother effing Monday. 

  • @nopegoat Ugh, what a nightmare!! 

  • @nopegoat Oh no! At least twice a school year we get notified about lice in the classroom. We have been luck that dd has never got it.

    Finally no toddler today. I get my peace and quiet. 

  • Anyone else still not gaining much weight? Weighed myself this morning and am 2 pounds LIGHTER than what I was hanging out at pre-BFP. DH (M.D., but not OB/GYN) isn't worried yet, especially since I had a solid six weeks of puking daily, but I feel like I should be up a little at least.

    Having a very Monday emotionally, worrying about every little twinge and cramp, so it's probably me overthinking, but I thought I'd ask...
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  • key33key33
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    @nopegoat - Oh no! That's horrible! I hope you can get rid of everything quickly! 

  • @nopegoat listerine! We deal with legit super lice in Alaska. My boys have long never been cut hair, and we kept getting reinfected.  I soaked the boys hair in listerine, covered it with a bag for an hour, combed out a shit ton of dead lice, conditioned with added tea tree oil, and our lice nightmare finally ended.
  • nopegoat said:
    We've already removed all bedding and sprayed, shampooed, combed, mixed conditioner and baking soda into their hair and combed again, then buzzed their hair

    I'm not effing with this shit 😂

    LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!! Girl mom over here - this would have NEVER occurred to me HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    Sorry you're dealing with lice and I hope you got rid of them all!
  • @greeneyedgirl12 I wouldn't worry. With DS I lost 6 lbs in the first trimester. With this LO I am 16w+ and have only gained about 1lb. I asked my midwives at my 15w appt (when I'd had no weight gain) and they said that was all normal at this point. 

    @nopegoat Oh no! I hope you get it resolved asap :( 
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  • @greeneyedgirl12
    +1 for not worrying about it.  Technically I have gained "too much" for 16-17 weeks (~11lb.) but by the end they will tell me I've not gained enough.  This happens Every. Single. Time.  I gain what I gain!
  • nopegoatnopegoat
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    edited February 4
    @Cbeanz boy mom ftw!! Ha!!

    @greeneyedgirl12 I was down 10lbs until I hit about 24wks with my 1st. I don't gain until late 2nd and 3rd tri. Baby will take whatever it needs from you!

  • Wanted to workout today... accidentally fell asleep while waiting for my wraps (for kickboxing) to dry and I slept for 4 hours. I guess I’ll go to the other gym and get some cardio in later tonight. Lol 
  • @nopegoat ugghhhhhh so sorry def burn the house down
  • Ladies who responded to my weight gain worries, THANK YOU. I trust DH on most med. stuff, but since he's not an OB I wanted input from moms/people who've been pregnant.

    @nopegoat Paul Mitchell makes Tea Tree shampoo for maintenance at keeping the buggers away. Not super-cheap, but since you buzzed them anyway, you could buy one set (1 shampoo, 1 conditioner), use through that, and then be done unless it reappears...
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  • @nopegoat shave their heads and call it good.  We had a huge lice epidemic two years ago.   I was coming back from a cheer competition in Kansas City and was exhausted.  My daughter came home and told my husband kids saw something crawling in her hair.  Well it was lice.  So my mother in law decided to help out and treat her.  Well she did not realize that you have to come out all of the bugs and nits, so that turned into a huge hassle.  This is after my husband thought slathering conditioner all over her hair would work.  Well needless to say after she gave it to me, my oldest son and youngest son, we decided to have it professionally handled.  We ended up having their heads heat treated.  Well we shaved my oldest son's hair, but treated my daughter, me and my son, since he had long curly hair at the time.  My youngest has come home with lice twice since then from his summer childcare program and luckily have been able to treat on our own.  I don't know if you have a Lice Treatment Center of America close by, but they have a great shampoo and comb that I have used on my son since then and it worked great.  But I have become a paranoid head checker and never let it progress far. 
  • @nopegoat ugh. That’s awful. Between my job and daycare I’m always paranoid about lice. 
  • Oh they both got buzzed! 

  • @bartonolivia I’m so jealous you got a nap in!!! I wish I could sleep! 

    DH wants me to quit my job and not go back after maternity leave. Part of me knows this will ruin our dreams for buying our dream home, and another part of me is excited, but scared. SAHM’s, how did you come to the decision to be a SAHM if you worked before kids? 
  • @jenniferjoy37 my mom was not around much when I was growing up because she did not like being a mom much and instead went back to school full time for 8 years when I was 6, then became a workaholic. I wanted to be anything but that because it was so damaging to my family so I’ve stayed home and freelanced during times that we needed extra income. 
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  • @greeneyedgirl12 I lost about 13 lbs in the first 10 weeks. And I’ve sat there ever since. I’m now at 16. I gained a half a pound this week. 🤷‍♀️
    My OB said she isn’t going to worry about it one bit. My belly is growing and I can’t believe I haven’t gained anything. 

    @nopegoat that sounds awful. I’ve never seen a lice episode around me. Wonder if it is a dryness thing being in CO? 

    @jenniferjoy37 I always wanted to be a SAHM and we could absolutely afford it. But... I LOVE my Job. Really, really love it. It is just impossible to think about leaving it. I worked my ass off to be where I am right now and I can’t imagine it now. But, thankfully, we both work from home. We have a lot of flexibility, so I’m excited to try and make it work. 
    My mother did at home daycare until I was in 1st grade and then she went back to work and it was hard for her to get back in. 
    My stepmother took standard 12 weeks with my baby sister. And we had a nanny for the rest of my sister’s first year. I was 11. Best summer of my life! Spoiled absolute rotten by the nanny! my stepmother is the hardest working woman I’ve ever known and at the peak of her career was earning a large 6 figure salary. Work was important to her, but we still spent so much family time together. 
    Hubs and I are saying we will just play it by ear and see how it goes. 
  • Sigh. I posted my response in the vaccination thread and it reminded me exactly why I couldn't fall asleep last night. I want my parents to be part of my child's life. I'm going to need their help and they've eagerly volunteered to help. But I've enjoyed having a long-distance relationship with them over the last 12 years. My mom has always been cold and controlling and my dad has some bizarre and extremist beliefs/quirks that got started when I was a senior in high school. The current dialogue in our culture is that toxic relationships should cut out of your life completely, no looking back. But I want my parents around. I want them to help me and I want them to have a relationship with my child. And I'm terrified that if they become a daily part of my life again, these flaws that I've been able to avoid or casually argue back will become a constant point of contention. More than anything, I want them to listen to me when I express how they make me feel. Usually when I speak up, they'll come back at me with, "You can't change who I am," "I'm sorry you feel that way," or the most common, "You really need to talk to someone about this." I try to tell them that I am talking to someone--them--and they're not listening. I truly do not believe I need professional help. I just want my parents to respect me. And something's going to have to change if they're going to be part of my daily life again.
    Any advice? :cry:
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  • @hestia14 I'm so sorry. H and I both have rather strained relationships with our parents. My best advice is give them a chance to prove they can "behave" and be respectful but set clear boundaries, stick to them, and be prepared to be the "bad guy" if need be and push them back to a long-distance relationship again. 

    My mom ended up moving here when I was pregnant with #4. It was awesome at first. Then she went back to her old ways and I had to really limit my boys time with her until she wasn't allowed to be alone with them at all. I had to distance myself from her quite a bit and put my kiddos well being above all else. It hurt at first because I desperately wanted it to work and I too needed the help but it just wasn't worth it. She ended up moving close to my sister thankfully and our relationship, while still strained, is much less stressful.

  • @hestia14 I agree with @nopegoat. If you want your parents in your life, then allow it. Just because society says to cut out toxic relationships, doesn't mean that's the best route for you. 
    In order to protect yourself and your family, you have to set clear boundaries and stick with them. Essentially, you're treating your parents as you would your children.
    There are things that are zero tolerance with you. Tell them that. If they break the zero tolerance rules, they get kicked out (or whatever "punishment" you decide) immediately. No discussion, no second chance.
    Then there are rules that are more flexible and allow for second chances. Again, tell them these things. When those rules are broken, provide the appropriate "punishment". Get your SO on your side so he/she can advocate for you when you dont have the strength or willpower. 
    Essentially, make it clear that if they "behave" the relationship will remain strong, but be ready to do whatever is necessary to protect your heart and your family, even if that means the worst.

    Side note, my mother has issues with both her parents. With her father, she dealt with him appropriately and was able to move on. With her mother, she wanted a close relationship so bad, but her mom kept going back to her old ways. It was heartbreaking to see mom enjoy a good relationship for a while, then get hurt. She just recently started treating her mother with the right expectations and has been doing better in that relationship. The difference was not my grandmother, it was my mom finally accepting my grandma's shitty personality and setting reasonable expectations. 

    I hope you are able to find the route that works best for you! There is no question, it's a rough road. 
  • @cindler Sometimes setting boundaries and having to manage those difficult relationships is easier said that done. Not in the actual doing of things but in the fact that the cycle becomes exhausting. In my own situation, my almost 63 year old mother has been acting the same way for her entire adult life, and nearly her entire life. She's not going to change because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. It's exhausting to have to manage your relationship with your parents like they are children. You set boundaries, they inevitably break the rules, you are disappointed and then the tension blows up again. I've been struggling with this for a long time where I wish that my parents could be different so that I could have them in my life and my children's lives, but they do not want to be different, and having them as they are is stressful. It wasn't always this way but it is now and I honestly don't see it improving ever again. So although I'm disappointed and so is DS in not getting to see his grandparents, it's for the best. 
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  • @mamanbebe I totally hear you, but if a relationship is desired, then managing boundaries is necessary, albeit very exhausting. Some people decide the stress/pain/etc. isn't worth it and strictly limit or eliminate the relationship. Here, it was expressed that she wanted a relationship with her parents and so, IMO, the setting of rules and boundaries and managing them like you would with a child is the best approach. 
  • mamanbebemamanbebe
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    edited February 5
    @cindler I get that, and I appreciate what you're saying, but also reading what @hestia14 and @nopegoat are saying, and empathizing with their situations, truthfully I feel a little defensive for them. They've likely already been through the motions of treating their parents like children to try to maintain some semblance of a relationship and it isn't always worth the effort, but also, even if you have to distance yourself from the equation, it doesn't necessarily remove the desire to want a relationship. 

    ETA @hestia14 and @nopegoat I'm sorry if I'm coming off-beat on my responses to your own experiences. It just hits close to home.
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  • I think the initial effort stress is absolutely worth it just so you don't have the guilt of never giving them a chance (if the relationship is desired in the first place). You just have to go into it knowing there is a very real chance they are going to fail and be ready to do whatever you need to do if need be. Granted I also believe every toxic relationship doesn't need to be given the chance. 

  • @nopegoat @cindler @mamanbebe I appreciate your advice. Glad to know I'm not alone. :heart:
    @mamanbebe I totally understand where you're coming from--no offense taken! And honestly, I haven't really tried to set boundaries with my parents. Usually when I try to speak up about their behavior, they turn it around and say that there's something wrong with me. (Gaslighting has unfortunately been very common in my relationship with them.) Now that their first grandchild is on the way and they're going to be part of my daily life for the first time in over 10 years, I think now would be a good time to start setting boundaries with the notion that it's the best for my child and to maintain harmony. 
    Growing up I used to be so scared that my mom would stop talking to me because she stopped talking to her dad when I was 3 and her younger brother when I was 7. (The brother eventually came back into the fold, but she still hasn't spoken to my grandpa and has never given me a valid reason why. I contacted him when I was 19 and I still talk to him today.) I was afraid she would do the same thing to me if I ever made a big enough mistake. But I've come to realize that if she does cut me off, it's not my fault, and if it ever got to the point where I had to cut her off, I will tell my children why they don't see their grandma anymore (with age-appropriate detail). 
    I do think setting boundaries and expectations beforehand is a good idea, but I have no idea where to start, and I'm not sure how to do this firmly enough to get my point across but gently enough so that they don't think I'm attacking them.
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  • @hestia14 no advice but I'm sorry you have go through this right now.

    Ive decided to crochet a blanket for this lo. I'm just learning so it's going to be all SC. It should only take me a few months to finish it haha. 

  • 😥 sorry to everyone dealing with parent/family issues.

    So second day going to work from my new house. I over slept - forgot to turn my alarms back on after our 2 hour delay yesterday- and had 10 minutes to get to school. So of course my car got stuck in my driveway due the plows piling snow and ice in front of it. DH's car got stuck at the other end, same reason. Had to call in to school and take a personal day. Assistant principal covered my classes until my sub got there, but my room is a fucking mess and I know that is going to be an issue tomorrow. 

    A passerby was able to winch DH out so he could take care of dogs and stuff at the other house, but I'm still stuck, anxious, pissed, and ready for this day to be over.
  • @hestia14 I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions on what your experience has been. I hope it works out for you and that your mom embraces how you want things to be with your relationship <3 
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  • @hestia14 I can't imagine what it's like to be scared your mom won't talk to you anymore as a child! I can understand why you have the fear/anxiety you have. It's great to hear you've made peace with the possibility and that you understand that if it happens, it's not your fault.

    With figuring out how to actually set boundaries, I have less insight. I think there will be a trial and error period where you may need to figure out what you can handle and what you can't. I suggest you sit down and think back to the worst experiences with your parents and start there. For instance, if you are completely unwilling to entertain any anti-vax talk from your dad (pulling from the other convo), approach that as a zero tolerance item. You may find that after the vaccination phase is done with LO, it's less of a hot button issue. It's important to explore not only what they do/don't do, but also how their actions make you feel. Maybe a boundary is that you dont want them to do anything that makes you feel silenced or ignored or dismissed. Again, there will be a learning curve, but it at least gives you a starting point and some language to use in the "discipline". I'm thinking something along the lines of "I'm asking you to leave because when you _____ I felt dismissed and I won't allow you to make me feel that way." That tells them exactly what they did wrong, gives them consequences for doing that, and also setting the boundary of you won't tolerate that kind of thing. 

    Just spitballing and throwing ideas out for you to consider. It's so difficult to deal with stressful familial relationships because there are so many factors and emotions involved. Everyone's situation is different. 
  • @indulgentgypsy snow blows. 

    That is all.  :D
  • hestia14 said:
     The current dialogue in our culture is that toxic relationships should cut out of your life completely, no looking back. 
    Personally, I whole-heartedly disagree that this is the right way to live, regardless of what pop culture is telling us.  The concept of giving someone a limited number of chances before cutting them out of your life completely? That is exactly the opposite of how I try to live.  How would anyone ever learn?  You just end up looking like a jerk.

    I think relationships - especially family relationships - deserve to be worked on.  And that means both parties need to be willing to listen with intent to understand the other side.
  • @hestia14
    I had another thought... is this your first baby?  The entire family dynamic will shift once it's out and you will probably spend most of your time talking about the baby.  And maybe less about all the crap your parents do which drives you crazy.  At least you can always change the subject when things get uncomfortable and just talk about the kid!

    Having babies definitely gave me more in common to talk about to my in laws and my mom.  Not that we necessarily get along better, but the annoying parts are less frequent anyway.
  • @cbeanz I realize I'm playing devil's advocate, but what if the other party isn't willing to listen, learn, or evolve? I don't think it's a jerk move to make the choice to move on with your life when the other person is the cause of the dysfunction, doesn't add happiness to your life and doesn't care to change. 
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  • @mamanbebe I hear you, and my comment wasn't directed at anyone in particular. I think true "Toxic" people can exist, but I think they're really rare.  Our culture right now is so quick to tell people to cut someone out of their lives before giving it an honest try.  Obviously if someone is abusive, manipulative, or malicious, yeah there is a definite reason to move on and cut someone out.  But I wouldn't shun people because of differing opinions, even if I think someone is a complete wacko.  For example, I'm a scientist and one of my best friends is an anti-vaxxer.  In my mind that makes ZERO sense but our relationship is more important to us than our differing beliefs.  I also have some close friends who are on the opposite end of the political spectrum as me.  I think we still have a lot to learn from each other.  My mom is in her 70's and some of her ideas and opinions on childcare drive me batty.  But that's her, and I can be a gatekeeper from my kids or I can just say, "that's how she is and I accept her just like she accepts me."
  • Regarding gatekeeping, I think it's more important for my kids to be surrounded by many people who love them, versus only a few people who think and act like I do.  And the grandparents definitely fall into that first category.
  • @cbeanz that's great that you can manage healthy relationships with all those people, it's definitely hard to maintain good relationships when you disagree at a core beliefs. I have cut ties with some family over political reasons, and maintained friendships with others, it's all case by case but mostly it comes down to not being a racist. I don't necessarily believe that anyone is toxic or bad but I do believe that some people have truly dug themselves into such addictive patterns of behavior, that are both unhealthy for themselves any everyone else around them. It's just not worth the effort, heartache and stress to continue to try to baby the relationship for the sake of family or whathaveyou. I think that kind of relationship is relatively common.. and I think most people continue to deal with it because of guilt/obligation. 
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  • I agree with a lot of what @mamanbebe is trying to drive home - that if you are the only person working on a relationship, that isn't really a relationship worth maintaining. If you are reflecting and working on being a better person, so do the other folks in the dynamic. I don't know the exact details of what Hestia is going through, but if gaslighting and telling her this is all her fault is the usual SOP for her parents, that's a huge potential issue that shouldn't be ignored. 

    @hestia14 I mentioned this on another thread, but do you reddit at all? I'm lurker on a subreddit calling JustNoMIL about potentially annoying to super toxic mom figures. My mom and MIL are generally good folks who I work to draw boundaries because they are both pushy and think of lot of what they believe is the right thing or right way to do something. They, however, listen, and don't necessarily push back or double down when I bring up an issue I have with them. We communicate, and we let them know our expectations as parents, and they respect our decisions, even if they do question them, they do what we ask.

    I'd recommend lurking some on the subreddit, reading some of the sidebar guides on how to potentially draw a line on certain issues, learning about how to put people on certain types of information diets, and potentially doing time-outs if they cross a hard boundary if you want to ease into seeing if this will work (so not cold-turkey no-contact unless it really comes to that). I will be the first to say, some of those people are there for the drama - not at all ideal. And some stories are really scary. But deep down, if you ever feel up to posting, letting folks know the situation and that you ARE NOT seeking no contact, but a way to ease in, there will be people who want to help you and give you advice, more so than maybe those of us with parents who listen can't give. 
    BFP ♡ Jan 2016 - M born Oct 2016
    PPD for 1yr+ post-pregnancy
    BFP ♡ Sept 2018 - CP @ 5 weeks
    BFP ♡ Nov 2018 - Baby R due Jul 2019

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