Ask a STM/STM+ :: January!

kagesstarshroom

A place for FTM to ask questions of STM & for STM to ask questions for STM+!

Note: Remember to be respectful & make sure you're not asking something a Dr. should be answering specific to you/your pregnancy OR something that's not subjective in any way and otherwise factual & therefore easily answered via quick google.

chichiphin

STM/STM+ who work - when did you tell work?? I’m trying to balance keeping things private but also not giving my boss the shaft bc we do annual work plans and I will be out for 4 months 

kahlya88

I didn’t tell my employer until I was 15 weeks

kdl89

I told my boss at 8 weeks after my first Dr. Appointment. Everyone else at work didn't find out until we were 12 + weeks. I might wait a little longer this time to tell my boss but we will see. 

maserrano714

I have a bad cough. Any recommendations on what to take to feel better? Been sucking on cough drops and drinking tea with honey & lemon. What worked for you when you were sick? Thanks!

jejs

@chichiphin I told my boss earlier than others in case of any emergency or anything happening at work. Maybe 6 weeks? 

eme520

It depends. We do our annual schedule in Feb/March, so I’m well positioned to not tell until end of first tri. I think it really depends on your job. *TW* loss mentioned: my PgAL brain says wait until as long as possible. I’ve already had to tell and untell work twice in the past. Which has been hard for me. That said, they were thoughtful about letting me take some time off to grieve. 

eme520

*TW: loss discussed

I have a question for the TTM+ moms, esp those who’ve had losses. How long did you wait to tell your LOs? I’m sure some of it depends on their age and development. Our daughter is 4.5yo and has mild autism. She’s coming with us to our ultrasound next week,  but I really don’t want her to know until we are more certain this is viable. I think I can trick her into saying they are just checking my tummy because it hurts and give her the iPad and headphones. Curious what others did. 

mommyshark13

@eme520 When I got pg with DD, DS was only 15 months old, so we really didnt have to worry much about it since he wouldn't understand. Now, they are 5.5 and 3.5. We are waiting until after my first ultrasound to tell them. They are both in school so I dont have to worry about taking them to appts. I think your plan sounds good if you dont want her to know yet.

mysticsiren624

When you tell work partially depends on what you do. Some places you need to tell right away because of the type of work. I would wait till 12 weeks and then tell as long as my work didn’t involve anything that may harm my baby. 

mysticsiren624

With telling LO I’m going to wait to tell mine until I’m 12 weeks. They did good not spilling the beans on Christmas presents but I don’t trust them to not say anything. They both want a little brother/sister. So I know they’ll be excited. If my father finds out than the whole world will know because he can’t keep his mouth shut. Some OBs have curtains in the rooms where kids can sit and not see anything. So that helps with keeping things a secret. You can call your OB and see if they have those. 

blitzybee

@eme520 I would just tell your LO that you are going to the doctor and she gets to watch her iPad. If she seems worried or concerned or has questions, you can just say “oh it’s something mommies do sometimes!” My son has seen me in many doctor situations, and as long as we are calm, he’s pretty happy to just do his thing and chit chat with the doctor. She may worry that she’ll have to go through that whole process if her tummy hurts. I hope she’s just kinda easy going about it for you!

aussie&yank

I would like to wait as long as possible until I tell work. I think I made it to 16 weeks last time. I am a lawyer, and I work at a company with mostly male executives. I found last time that they treated me differently when I was pregnant, and that continued until at least when my daughter turned one. One guy in particular used to insist on calling me Mama at work and it drove me insane - until one time he did it in a large meeting, so I replied "Mark, I'm not your Mama, and unless you want me to call you Daddy I suggest you find a different greeting". 
Now that being said - I'm a STM and I think I'm going to show early! So hoping to make it to 16 weeks, and would wait longer if I could. 

summerd19

Thanks for sharing when to tell work. I was thinking after first trimester. I work in a small office so I do worry that my increased eating and such might me noticeable (to the women, I don't think the men in my office notice anything). 

Does anyone travel for work? I travel a few times a month and a little worried about managing fatigue and work and travel.

mamamommymom

I had extreme fatigue my first trimester and traveled pretty regularly for work, but they were only day trips never more then an hour or 2  away. I’m not sure what your situation is but I basically went to bed as soon as I got home from work and slept all night. (just sleep whenever you can) Once you hit your second trimester the fatigue typically improves drastically. 

kagesstarshroom

I have kind of a philosophical question, in a way, for any STM or STM+. How do/did you deal in 1st tri with being a pregnant woman but not being SEEN as such?

I like the question alone like that, but if you're not sure what I mean, here are some examples: getting sick/not drinking and not wanting to explain to ppl you know/strangers why that is the case. (Or--for a REALLY specific example: some guy lifted me and this other woman up at the Chicago airport after the Eagles won on Sunday, as we were the only other Eagles fans in sight, and--if I'd been visibly pregnant, he def. would not have done that & I spent, like, half the plane ride worrying that his not knowing I was PG somehow messed something up inside me. & it made me think even more about this question of having this invisible secret that I both want to shout and keep to myself at the same time simultaneously.)

I am not looking for anything addressing that specific example at all, I'm more interested in how you navigate the world knowing something about yourself that most people don't know that is, like, one of if not THE most important thing to you at the moment & that can/should/will affect the way people treat you once they know/can "see" that you are.

MsBeachNJ

@kagesstarshroom I know what you mean. Its like this huge life altering thing is going on in your world but no one else knows about it. I felt that way when I was first pregnant with my daughter and *TW* I felt that way when I went through a miscarriage at the end of last year, no one knew I was pregnant, then no one knew I was experiencing such a sad loss *END TW* I don't have any magic answer for you as to how to deal with that. I wouldn't worry about being lifted up by that guy, lots of people do intense workouts etc, and that little bean is very protected inside you right now. With regard to not drinking/not wanting to go out etc. I had to learn that saying "No" was ok... (I'm usually a people pleaser). It was hardest with my family to avoid them/say no to wine etc. but I got around it in small ways. I'd bring alcohol free wine (Fre brand) in a regular wine bottle to disguise it (that stuff is gross but it did the trick to hide) or I'd call a restaurant ahead of time, or slip the waiter a note & say that I'll be ordering a vodka soda, please just bring me a club soda etc. You'll figure it out! Enjoy the time that only you know about your little miracle  

leksiL

@chichiphin I told my boss last time really early like 6 weeks because I was having really bad MS and had to keep leaving work. He hugged me and I cried. I think it all depends on your relationship with your boss. My current one is British and they aren't super personal over there haha but I will need to tell him that I won't be doing certain travel and there are some personnel changes that may be effected since I'll be on maternity leave for 4 months. 

zuuls_mom

My boss already knows about this pregnancy. *TW* She opened up to me about their struggle with infertility after I had my loss in Oct. It’s been really nice to share my struggles and fears with her.*End TW* I get a new boss at the end of this month so I’ll probably share it with him when I see him at the beginning of Feb. I’ll be about 9w then. It’s earlier than I’d like to share normally, but everyone I work with will be around and it’ll be hard to hide it (four day work conference at a hotel with a lot of booze flowing and late nights). I’m hoping all goes well so I don’t have to untell everyone again.

As for social media, I’ll hold off until after the anatomy scan. I don’t want to have to untell FB again as well. 

keikilove

@chichiphin Like others, I think when you inform work depends on what your role is & whether you’re close with anyone at work. Personally, due to my own health issues/fears/private nature, I don’t tell family until after 12 weeks, friends around 20 weeks, & work as late as possible, like 20-24 weeks=when I’m showing. I just don’t think my very personal life is anyone’s business at work & don’t want to be treated differently. *TW-Loss* My last pregnancy I didn’t tell anyone at work & it sadly ended at 18 weeks gestation. I was hugely relieved that I didn’t have to share my loss with anyone at work. But everyone has different relationships w people at work so it’s really such an individual choice when to tell or not. *End TW*

@eme520 We don’t plan to tell our 3-year-old until I’m showing this time. She has been too concerned about heaven & graveyards lately, I don’t want to add to that if anything were to go wrong this time. 

@kagesstarshroom Love the gif on this thread! It’s kind of nice to have a secret for awhile that only you & your partner know about. I sometimes drink alcohol-free wine or a seltzer water when everyone else is drinking. Lately I’ve just told my family that I’m not drinking at all since they know we have been “trying” & I want to make sure I’m the healthiest I can be “if” it happens. Hopefully that gets me to 12 weeks, ha! (And remember, baby is super padded in there—you can jog, lift, etc, without hurting baby as long as you were doing those things before pregnancy.) When I was pregnant in NYC people didn’t care to treat me differently even when I was hugely showing. No one was giving up their subway seat for a pregnant lady, harumph!! 

bostonlady-2

@aussie&yank that coworker is incredibly annoying and downright unprofessional! Good for you for saying something. I was also treated differently when people knew I was pregnant last time.  So, while I’ll tell the boss at 12 weeks because this is when they make the schedule next year, everyone else will figure it out when I’m showing. Given that this is the second time, I’m also worried I won’t be able to keep it a secret as long.

lillywonderland

Are you guys going to stay with the same OB or are you changing practices? I don’t love my current OB so I’m contemplating switching to one my friend suggested whom she loves. Just worried since - you know - change.

Re: work. I’m planning on telling the boss after my first appt since I have to have a lot of accommodations (I work in a lab). I’m like 99% sure everyone else will figure it out the second I’m pulled from the lab, but whatevs. Tell them whenever you feel comfortable. After first tri is fine, after anat scan also fine - they’ll still have 3-5 months to plan around your mat leave. 

leksiL

@lillywonderland - I have to switch OBs because my current one does not "allow" VBACs, and I am set on trying. Of course the fact that she won't "allow" one makes DH very wary of trying but obviously it's my decision as long as I'm not doing something dangerous for the baby. 

mommyshark13

@lillywonderland I am staying with the same practice but not sure about the specific OB. The one who delivered both of my kids is wonderful, but she has really pushed me about getting my tubes tied. This will be my 3rd csection so I know she will push even harder this time.


@leksiL Just fyi, it may be the specific hospital that doesn't allow VBACs. Hopefully not and hopefully you can find an OB who supports you!

Doggiedoc2016

@lillywonderland I’m sticking with our OB (love them!) But - when I was pregnant last time we knew we were moving mid pregnancy and I really did not like the OB we started with. The stark difference between the two practices makes my STRONGLY recommend seeking a new OB if you don’t love who you’re with first. You just have to find the right fit for you. After all is a LONG time you’ll be working with them

leksiL

@mommyshark13 I'm switching hospitals too. We have 6-7 in the area. I have some leads from my doula

mamamommymom

@lillywonderland I agree you’ll be seeing them so often it’s important to like them and if for some reason you find yourself in a high risk situation you want to fully trust them. 

When I developed severe preeclampsia my doctor made all the right calls at the right time and made me feel  as at ease as possible. He was amazing. I can’t imagine going through it with a doctor I didn’t like.